(no subject)

Dec 17, 2008 22:46

a humphrey bogart double feature's been playing at the stanford theatre the last couple days.

The African Queen/Sabrina.

i saw the African Queen when i was a kid.

after watching it again some 20 years later, today, I realized I probably started calling girls, "ms" instead of their names coz of bogie.

it was better when i was a kid.

i almost never wanna see a movie again after i've seen it once, because it's almost assuredly not as good as the first time I saw it.

i'll even buy the movie just to have it and never watch it again.

i really like the Stanford theatre.

i like the carpeting, the smell, the posters, the tiled water fountain, the seats in the back on the first floor, the see-thru curtain in front of the screen that rolls away once the movie starts, the upstairs, the small selection of candy, the predominantly elderly patrons, the lights in the front...

i like the guy that plays the organ during the intermission. i imagined what it would be like to be him and than i caught myself trying too hard to imagine, imagining what it would be like to be him, like i was imagining how i, as a writer would imagine specific scenarios that present themselves in the lives of organ players.

I realized i don't really seem to "enjoy" anything. The moment I settle in at the beginning of something, I'm already entertaining it's conclusion. Movies, shows anything ... the moment i sit down, it's like I can't wait for it to be over. In the moment, i reduce the experience to a series of compulsory elements, like i'm judging a gymnastics routine or something ...i watch a movie, read a book, see a play, and in my head i'm organizing the elements of the plot, this has to happen, this character has to do this, followed by this - to where i'm waiting for the "events" to occur so we can go onto the next "event" until it's over ...and than i haven't even enjoyed it, I haven't immersed myself fully, I haven't lost myself, i've minimalized the experience into something as mundane as an equation. i hate that. I hate that i analyze it.

I hate that I'm thinking about how i'd describe the experience to someone after the experience, while i'm experiencing the experience. i hate that because than it means i'm experiencing it for someone else than myself. when did this happen? how did it come to this? when did i begin caring?

actually, i'm sure I know.

how and why it has affected me as grievously as it did, for me to become who i am today, is what i'm most interested in.

after the movie, i bummed a cigarette off this girl.

she was cute.

i made her laugh.

i completely could have asked her out. but i didn't. due to a mixture of melancholy, weariness of rejection and a feeling of "some things should be left sacred" -i didn't want to cheapen how nice it was to make her laugh by offering to catch the next double feature with her. i feel good that i refrained.

maybe i was just tired from yesterday in san francisco. i talk to too many random girls for no reason. some tell me they have boyfriends. some give me their phone numbers. some have long conversations with me on the muni, some have me walk them back to wherever, some make me catch the bus/walk endless blocks to god knows where, some take me home with them, some don't give me the time of day. i'm quite sick of it all to be honest.

the truth is, i'm not even really interested in most of them. i think i'm most interested in the interaction than anything else. me and my goddamn standards. don't get me wrong, i'm no prince of passion or anything. i'm just picky. and usually the girl will do/say something that will make me feel like i just can't see myself being comfortable around them ever again.

i don't want to charm anyone with my dis-arming smile and ability for stating the obvious in an un-obvious way. I don't want to have to do anything to make myself appealing, not because i don't want to work for it, it's fun, but because i don't want anyone to fall for it.

i'd really like to just meet a beautiful, freckly, discerning mute tomboy. we'd get each other without even saying anything. and i couldn't bullshit her.
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