I wanted to give my friend the one thing they thought they didn't have. Total acceptance. To go back if I could, I think I would have told them the things I did not agree with and probably would have lost that friendship much sooner than I did. When I finally did tell them all the things I had never agreed with them about, unfortunately in anger (to which I regret, but I am only human, too), they thought I had never listened to anything they said. Honestly, I listened all too well. I went about telling them the truth in the wrong way and made them close their eyes and ears to what I was saying. If only I had handled it better... well I am filled with my own set of "if only"s. If only... maybe they would have at least seen what I was trying so hard to say instead of shutting out my words. I can't go back. I can only go forward since I refuse to stagnate anymore. I do not love everything in my life, but I am enjoying where it is going at this moment. Being a newly wed, pregnant and a mother to a beautiful 3 year old is such a wonderful experience! I couldn't live my life stuck in the past, I did it for some time and I can't do it anymore. I've chosen, instead, to make the most of the time I have. Life is too short to be so unhappy. I will always have my regrets, but I refuse to let them rule me... which is sad for my friend who cannot escape from the past and regrets they carry.
Thanks for writing.animar506March 11 2006, 23:23:17 UTC
I appreciate your honest perspective. We all make mistakes, some more regrettable than others. The good part is that you are realizing your mistakes and taking responsibility for your own actions as much as is possible. Maybe someday our friend will be able to appreciate all we each have learned.
We all have the "if only's"! You aren't alone there! If only... I didn't have to choose between two very special people. If only... I would have known then what was going to happen as an effect of the choice I made. (How would I have ever known what the future was going to hold?)
I certainly can relate.
There will always be another chance to try again to be different, to choose different, to answer different. We won't know if that chance may be with the same person or not.
Re: Thanks for writing.shyallynMarch 12 2006, 07:23:52 UTC
YOu know the last thing you asked me in your last email? I am too tired to reply there, so I wanted to say that if you want to discuss in a closed entry what you and I have discussed in emails, is fine with me. Things have been so hectic today, I will try and email you later. :)
Re: Thanks for writing.animar506March 13 2006, 14:18:23 UTC
Ok, I was going to ask you about that. :) I'll reask that here when I get a few minutes. I have today and tomorrow off work, and was off yesterday. Whoo Hooo! Now to stay off the computer long enought to actually accomplish something. Haha...
Isn't it good to talk more freely? To release yourself from other's choices? I say it like this (tho, it sounds egotistical, I don't mean it that way) "One cannot be the teacher and do the student's homework at the same time." It just came to me one day recently. I tried to help my friend by having them meet a friend of mine, who's been through some similar things. My intention was for them to learn from each other perhaps, have a empathetic ear. I admit it was a bad idea, because my other friend was not yet in a place of clarity and healing. What happened instead was trying to help them into what they perceived as "ganging up" on them. I just couldn't ignore ideas I had for them! Isn't a true friend one who tells you NOT what you want to hear, but what you NEED to hear? It really hurt me that my friend assumed I was a jerk who was trying to harm them, when I was only trying to help. It hurt me so much I moaned about it guiltfully in my LJ, which led to two friends commenting taking ehr side. I was mad and I thought they were choosing a stragner (to them) over someone they KNEW, and I made the mistake of transfering my pain from the first friend to these two and ending their friendship with me. It was not oa smart move, and trying to aks for forgvieness hasn't worked. One is extrememly angry at me, and outright refuses to see any good in my anymore, and so the other friend (I introduced them too! Just like I said of the others at the beginning) cannot completely let me come back into their life, or let me go. woah, that's confusing! hee hee! The thing is, I CARE about my friends! When something comes up that I dont' think is good for them or us as a relationship choice, I try my best now to be thouthful and research it and think and feel it out. TO help them, though, it ends up bieng how I see things, isn't it? I regret that my insights and standards and faith are less than my friends and they make me the enemy. Sometimes they fihgt you assuming you are jsut like the people in their past, if they cannot see past your weaknesses and foibles, what's the point? I am not perfect, I do try my best and I am a good and caring person. Evertime this other friend faught me, I didn't fight back. I cannot be happy with a friend that only wants to ue me, for me to confirm their ideas and not argue them, to follow their standars and their faith, when I have my own carefully creted over many decades wiht an open mind and a Christ-filed heart. I refuse to controll, or be controlled. I need help too, and cursing me and taking away my hope just becasue we cannot agree on everything is not helping me. It only hurts my already fragile self-confidence.
Look, I only want to help. At least I am trying. Please don't judge me. Don't you see I care and love you? It realy hurts to be given things not asked for in return for my friendship, but as soon as I refuse to do things your way (let you be deceived for example) to strip them away and replace it with hate and anger as to hurt me worse than you felt I hurt you. I have to stop now =(
I'll reply more later...shyallynMarch 12 2006, 07:29:31 UTC
but here's another perspective on the AS specialist. I mean this in the most respectful way possible, I hope this comes out right since my brain is so fried. If you don't have AS, going to the specialist would have confirmed you for being normal, not your father. Then your father and sister would leave you alone? Just a thought. I know that sounds like doing someting just to make them happy, but if their continued barrage of AS articles really hurts, perhaps you should go just to get them to leave you alone about it. I'm sure they mean the best in their own little way. Either that or just tell them to stop it. I'll try and reply more later. I have to work 12-8 tomorrow so it may not be for a few days. It was just a thought, perhaps I don't know the whole story?
Re: I'll reply more later...shyallynMarch 12 2006, 20:48:42 UTC
no no, tis good. I only got the one article. But, I think they think I am living in denial of what only they think I have.
MY problem in social skills is LACK OF CONFIDENCE. I've not had too many good or lasting moments. I am going to work on that.
HOW? Well, for one thing to just get back on the horse and ride! Asking girls out is scary. But, online friends think I am stunning (warning, 2 of them are British =p) so I might as well PRETEND to be confident and wantable! SO, I met this woman briefly at my temp job, last day Friday. I talked to her briefly Fri. morn. Her name is April, and she seems nice and she's prettiful. If ther is no beauty inside, beauty outside means little to me tho I notice and may complement. ANYWAYS the weird thing is that when I was in the car after work, I was looking down fiddling with my new cell phone, engrossed in it. My mind turned to her, and I wondered if I could see her one more time. I am not joking when I say I had an urge to look up even though I was in the middle ot workign iwth the cell, and ... THERE SHE WAS, as if I had conjured her or she was an angel that apparated to our plane for me. (apparated is a Harry Potter term, hee hee). Anyway, she smiled as she acknowledged my presence and I smiled back, maybe I waved too. BUT I FROZE I was just so surprised my little prayer had worked ... ask and ye shall receive ... too used to it not. So, I didnt' go after her =( Isn't that silly? How at moments fear and doubt can take hold? I admit, I am of two minds for even the simplest things. What if she had said no, but what if she had said YES? BUT I've decided to pray and hope God is kind enough to give me another chance. I want to turn in some of my good karma chits, please. I think I am going to call April at her place of work (I know that since I worked ther as a temp) and hope she is the ONLY April and ask her out for coffee! Once I make sure she remembers me and judge the tone of her voice, I am going to say something like this: "I don't mean to bother you at work, but you seem nice, and I was wondering if you'd like to go for some coffee Wednesday after work." DO you think that would be OK? I dont have lines, but I usualy can think of ways to start conversations with people and stuff. I just get nervous and less confident as the conversation goes on, isn't that weird? I jsut assume that it is going to be like all the rest and to instead keep this small victory and not ruin it. You know? Keep the 200 cash instead of trading it for what's behind door number 3, when it could very well be a zonker white elephant prize =( I am hoping she will think this is sweet, and be flattered I was thinking about her long after our brief conversation. Hopefully she thought I was cute and nice enough to want to get to know me a bit more, and most of all isn't with somebody serious right now OR IF SO is confortable enough to want to befriend me. Sure, I'd like a girlfriend, a partner, someone to know me and guide me to be the best I can be for God, but I don't think making new friends can be a bad thing! I prefer women anyway. It's harder for me to make friends with males.
do you think it sounds OK? I am going to just do it, not sure when to call, tho. I am going to be confident and smooth and ME!
Reply
We all have the "if only's"! You aren't alone there! If only... I didn't have to choose between two very special people. If only... I would have known then what was going to happen as an effect of the choice I made. (How would I have ever known what the future was going to hold?)
I certainly can relate.
There will always be another chance to try again to be different, to choose different, to answer different. We won't know if that chance may be with the same person or not.
Reply
Reply
Reply
It really hurt me that my friend assumed I was a jerk who was trying to harm them, when I was only trying to help. It hurt me so much I moaned about it guiltfully in my LJ, which led to two friends commenting taking ehr side. I was mad and I thought they were choosing a stragner (to them) over someone they KNEW, and I made the mistake of transfering my pain from the first friend to these two and ending their friendship with me. It was not oa smart move, and trying to aks for forgvieness hasn't worked. One is extrememly angry at me, and outright refuses to see any good in my anymore, and so the other friend (I introduced them too! Just like I said of the others at the beginning) cannot completely let me come back into their life, or let me go.
woah, that's confusing! hee hee!
The thing is, I CARE about my friends! When something comes up that I dont' think is good for them or us as a relationship choice, I try my best now to be thouthful and research it and think and feel it out. TO help them, though, it ends up bieng how I see things, isn't it? I regret that my insights and standards and faith are less than my friends and they make me the enemy. Sometimes they fihgt you assuming you are jsut like the people in their past, if they cannot see past your weaknesses and foibles, what's the point? I am not perfect, I do try my best and I am a good and caring person. Evertime this other friend faught me, I didn't fight back.
I cannot be happy with a friend that only wants to ue me, for me to confirm their ideas and not argue them, to follow their standars and their faith, when I have my own carefully creted over many decades wiht an open mind and a Christ-filed heart.
I refuse to controll, or be controlled. I need help too, and cursing me and taking away my hope just becasue we cannot agree on everything is not helping me. It only hurts my already fragile self-confidence.
Look, I only want to help. At least I am trying. Please don't judge me. Don't you see I care and love you? It realy hurts to be given things not asked for in return for my friendship, but as soon as I refuse to do things your way (let you be deceived for example) to strip them away and replace it with hate and anger as to hurt me worse than you felt I hurt you.
I have to stop now =(
Reply
*hugs*
Reply
MY problem in social skills is LACK OF CONFIDENCE. I've not had too many good or lasting moments. I am going to work on that.
HOW? Well, for one thing to just get back on the horse and ride! Asking girls out is scary. But, online friends think I am stunning (warning, 2 of them are British =p) so I might as well PRETEND to be confident and wantable!
SO, I met this woman briefly at my temp job, last day Friday. I talked to her briefly Fri. morn. Her name is April, and she seems nice and she's prettiful. If ther is no beauty inside, beauty outside means little to me tho I notice and may complement. ANYWAYS the weird thing is that when I was in the car after work, I was looking down fiddling with my new cell phone, engrossed in it. My mind turned to her, and I wondered if I could see her one more time. I am not joking when I say I had an urge to look up even though I was in the middle ot workign iwth the cell, and ... THERE SHE WAS, as if I had conjured her or she was an angel that apparated to our plane for me. (apparated is a Harry Potter term, hee hee). Anyway, she smiled as she acknowledged my presence and I smiled back, maybe I waved too.
BUT I FROZE
I was just so surprised my little prayer had worked ... ask and ye shall receive ... too used to it not. So, I didnt' go after her =(
Isn't that silly? How at moments fear and doubt can take hold?
I admit, I am of two minds for even the simplest things. What if she had said no, but what if she had said YES?
BUT I've decided to pray and hope God is kind enough to give me another chance. I want to turn in some of my good karma chits, please. I think I am going to call April at her place of work (I know that since I worked ther as a temp) and hope she is the ONLY April and ask her out for coffee!
Once I make sure she remembers me and judge the tone of her voice, I am going to say something like this:
"I don't mean to bother you at work, but you seem nice, and I was wondering if you'd like to go for some coffee Wednesday after work."
DO you think that would be OK? I dont have lines, but I usualy can think of ways to start conversations with people and stuff. I just get nervous and less confident as the conversation goes on, isn't that weird? I jsut assume that it is going to be like all the rest and to instead keep this small victory and not ruin it. You know? Keep the 200 cash instead of trading it for what's behind door number 3, when it could very well be a zonker white elephant prize =(
I am hoping she will think this is sweet, and be flattered I was thinking about her long after our brief conversation. Hopefully she thought I was cute and nice enough to want to get to know me a bit more, and most of all isn't with somebody serious right now OR IF SO is confortable enough to want to befriend me. Sure, I'd like a girlfriend, a partner, someone to know me and guide me to be the best I can be for God, but I don't think making new friends can be a bad thing! I prefer women anyway. It's harder for me to make friends with males.
do you think it sounds OK? I am going to just do it, not sure when to call, tho. I am going to be confident and smooth and ME!
*hugs*
Reply
Leave a comment