keeping things vague
Perhaps this is the way we vanish from the world, from the force in the world, so that we cease to affect it -- we vanish silently, not clamorously, and perhaps we begin dying before we do. We begin dying the moment things cease to matter. The moment we become floaters, without a goal or ambition, without a purpose, without direction. Because it is then, when we have lost all curiousity about the world, that the first separation between body and soul occurs. The body continues to go through the motions of life, rising every morning, falling asleep at night, giving the illusion of life, but it has at this point, in fact, become just a sort of machinery, while the soul, in the meantime, has begun to atrophy.
Occasionally, I worry that I have become a floater in this way and I try to combat it. I try do what I must to be fully alive and part of the force in the world, but I do not know the exact formula, so I am a bit like an inexperienced cook in a kitchen without a cookbook.
I dread the impending day when even the littlest of actions will take on the importance of big actions, their potential of failure carrying the same heaviness as the big actions. The sort of day that my inability to stick with the schedule I had planned equates with failure as a human being. The day I will feel stressed out about making my bed in the morning as if it were a test of my inherent worth. I know that such a day will come, because it has already visited me in the past, and everything occurs in cycles, in circles. For every bad day, there is a good day lying ahead, just as for every moment of joy, there is a moment of pain and sorrow awaiting. I only hope that day is just a day, not a week, not a month, not a year.
---
I don't exactly know what I want to write, but I logged onto livejournal to write about specific things. Specific realizations I had in brief moments of self-enlightenment this summer. I want to tell you about the fickleness of human emotions, how feelings can creep up on you but they are not completely unpredictable because there is always a distinct moment that the switch in your state of mind occurred. I want to write about missed opportunity. How I met this boy who puts knots in my stomach but he didn't always put knots in my stomach. I should have known when I first saw him that he would put knots in my stomach. I looked at him and I noticed him but that was that, there were no feelings involved. I want to tell you about how I was in control at first. I felt my power to determine things, at least to a certain extent. And then the feeling that was growing in me finally dawned on me - i realized i was feeling this feeling and it was a downhill spiral from then. I lost my nonchalance, and with my nonchalance also went my power. Gazes that meet each other. and the symbols begin, the symbols that point in the direction of that scary path of love. And then my panic. My fear of getting caught in a place i will no longer be able to get out of and of remaining there alone in the end. I want to tell you all about how, counter to reason, counter to my feelings, counter to all good sense, I ran away from him, I started running in the opposite direction from the direction I wanted to be running. I want to tell you about how this is not the first time I do this; I do this every time that counts, actually. Do other people do this? Am I the only one who does this? Maybe it is my way of testing the strength of the thing, of testing fate or love or whatever, pushing things to an extreme, pushing myself to extreme abstinence, to the limits of emotion, to see if I can endure it, to see how much my heart can bear. This is my story. This is the pattern I fall into. I wonder if I will ever be able to break out of it. If I will be able to break out of it and do what I need to do when it really counts. These, I tell myself, are just trials, they are not the real thing, they do not really matter. I tell myself that. Perhaps because they allow me to hope that there is still hope for me, that these patterns are not determined, that they can still be changed.
For as long as you are single, there is no one right person, no one right soulmate out there in the world for you. There are only possibilities and chemistry and nothing is determined beforehand. It has to be so. Otherwise I can't explain the fickleness of my emotions.
There is also another boy here in Rome, with whom I have a very deep connection in spirit. I feel that I could fall in love with him. And that is why I do not contact him, because falling in love with him would be very inconvenient. He does not know I am still in Rome, I had told him of the possibility of my moving to another country. So even though I have this feeling for him, even though I sense we have a profound connection that is rare to find, I do not wish to explore it, although sometimes I am tempted to. I do not wish to explore it because even though I feel i could fall in love with him, even though he pulls me to a state deep within myself, I do not want to be in a relationship with him. Do I make any sense as a human being? I do not want to be in a relationship with him, especially right now, because I am afraid he might become the only thing that matters, I am afraid of not being able to grow personally anymore, of not having ambitions and aspirations and being too complacent. It's to do with my personal growth. I am afraid being with him might hold me down. I am in a limbo right now in which I am not doing anything useful but I still hope to get out of it and do something useful, make something out of myself.
Okay, enough writing for the day. Next time, I will write about singing -- realizations I have come to with regard to that very important area of my life. And Star Wars.
love to all.
Occasionally, I worry that I have become a floater in this way and I try to combat it. I try do what I must to be fully alive and part of the force in the world, but I do not know the exact formula, so I am a bit like an inexperienced cook in a kitchen without a cookbook.
I dread the impending day when even the littlest of actions will take on the importance of big actions, their potential of failure carrying the same heaviness as the big actions. The sort of day that my inability to stick with the schedule I had planned equates with failure as a human being. The day I will feel stressed out about making my bed in the morning as if it were a test of my inherent worth. I know that such a day will come, because it has already visited me in the past, and everything occurs in cycles, in circles. For every bad day, there is a good day lying ahead, just as for every moment of joy, there is a moment of pain and sorrow awaiting. I only hope that day is just a day, not a week, not a month, not a year.
---
I don't exactly know what I want to write, but I logged onto livejournal to write about specific things. Specific realizations I had in brief moments of self-enlightenment this summer. I want to tell you about the fickleness of human emotions, how feelings can creep up on you but they are not completely unpredictable because there is always a distinct moment that the switch in your state of mind occurred. I want to write about missed opportunity. How I met this boy who puts knots in my stomach but he didn't always put knots in my stomach. I should have known when I first saw him that he would put knots in my stomach. I looked at him and I noticed him but that was that, there were no feelings involved. I want to tell you about how I was in control at first. I felt my power to determine things, at least to a certain extent. And then the feeling that was growing in me finally dawned on me - i realized i was feeling this feeling and it was a downhill spiral from then. I lost my nonchalance, and with my nonchalance also went my power. Gazes that meet each other. and the symbols begin, the symbols that point in the direction of that scary path of love. And then my panic. My fear of getting caught in a place i will no longer be able to get out of and of remaining there alone in the end. I want to tell you all about how, counter to reason, counter to my feelings, counter to all good sense, I ran away from him, I started running in the opposite direction from the direction I wanted to be running. I want to tell you about how this is not the first time I do this; I do this every time that counts, actually. Do other people do this? Am I the only one who does this? Maybe it is my way of testing the strength of the thing, of testing fate or love or whatever, pushing things to an extreme, pushing myself to extreme abstinence, to the limits of emotion, to see if I can endure it, to see how much my heart can bear. This is my story. This is the pattern I fall into. I wonder if I will ever be able to break out of it. If I will be able to break out of it and do what I need to do when it really counts. These, I tell myself, are just trials, they are not the real thing, they do not really matter. I tell myself that. Perhaps because they allow me to hope that there is still hope for me, that these patterns are not determined, that they can still be changed.
For as long as you are single, there is no one right person, no one right soulmate out there in the world for you. There are only possibilities and chemistry and nothing is determined beforehand. It has to be so. Otherwise I can't explain the fickleness of my emotions.
There is also another boy here in Rome, with whom I have a very deep connection in spirit. I feel that I could fall in love with him. And that is why I do not contact him, because falling in love with him would be very inconvenient. He does not know I am still in Rome, I had told him of the possibility of my moving to another country. So even though I have this feeling for him, even though I sense we have a profound connection that is rare to find, I do not wish to explore it, although sometimes I am tempted to. I do not wish to explore it because even though I feel i could fall in love with him, even though he pulls me to a state deep within myself, I do not want to be in a relationship with him. Do I make any sense as a human being? I do not want to be in a relationship with him, especially right now, because I am afraid he might become the only thing that matters, I am afraid of not being able to grow personally anymore, of not having ambitions and aspirations and being too complacent. It's to do with my personal growth. I am afraid being with him might hold me down. I am in a limbo right now in which I am not doing anything useful but I still hope to get out of it and do something useful, make something out of myself.
Okay, enough writing for the day. Next time, I will write about singing -- realizations I have come to with regard to that very important area of my life. And Star Wars.
love to all.