(no subject)
Something miraculous and astounding happened overnight. I rang my parents tonight with a sense of foreboding, as has been present for the last just-over-a-week and my mum picked up the phone. For the first time in a week. And she spoke to me without malice or condescension or that tone of voice that indicates she's pretending she doesn't care. She was civil, she even made a joke. We had a awkward and stuttered conversation, but it was free of insults and jibes and sarcasm. Which I suppose is something far from yesterday's conversation, which was physically painful to be a part of. And I could mentally see my dad prodding her with a stick to ring me, after I'd been ringing her all day and she purposefully didn't pick up (before I finally left a rather short voice message asking her very politely to ring me- do it or else style). She was all sarcasm and accusation and hardly-at-all veiled contempt, which I believe I reflected back. And the conversation was pointless in the extreme and just made me more angry by the time we hung up, and when I say we, I mean she may as well have hung up on me again. I was literally grinding my teeth to keep calm for the entire conversation. So I wasn't looking foward to today's but felt that I had to because it's their anniversary. She started off like yesterday, but I like to think the adult tone of my email last night and the start to today's conversation (and previous efforts) finally wore her down, though I know it was probably my dad reminding her that she's supposed to be the grown-up.
Anyway we talked for quite some time about jobs and flats and her NOT coming back here in September blah blah blah and about me going to give blood and all the pointless kind of stuff that you shouldn't have to talk about to your mother. I believe my expectations have fallen such a long way since December that I am content with that.
Stayed in bed for as long as possible, need to do some kind of crazy assessment, got a headache the size of Orion (my crystal, not the constellation- I'm not tttttttttttthat much of a drama queen), may or may not be going to Deep Sea World tomorrow which previously I had been excited at the prospect of, but find myself with little care for anything at the moment.
The only thing that has been really occupying me of late is my relationship with my mother and how it's rather one-sided, I've had one of HER so called epiphanies, in which I've realised it may have always been that way and therefore was never healthy.
I'm so tired all the time NOT because Ive been sleeping up to 13 hours a day (really- NO GODDAMN SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH SLEEP I TELL YOU), but because every time I drift in thought, I'm not really drifting, I'm continually coming back to the problem at hand and I can't get away from it, it's sucking the energy out of me. I'm slowly coming to an acceptance aswell, but you know, it's hard. And I suppose I feel slightly better now that we've managed to have one civil conversation in just over a week. But it took so much out of me to get there, and doesn't seem to take much of anything out of her. I just feel like I'm putting in more than I'm getting out, actually not true, I fucking know that's the case and it's a continual ache that just doesn't go away. It's now the source of the before-sleep-angst that I tried so hard to replace with crazy fantasy worlds and weird HP scenarios. Which results in me having to sleep with the light on, which just irriates the fuck out of me, and ends up me finally getting to sleep when it's light so I can turn my lamp off. And also, I just don't feel like it's worthwhile to get out of bed, it's such a chore. I've realised I actually can put off ANYTHING with the decision to just stay in my bed and coccooning myself in a suspended world. Like, if I stay in bed and do nothing, hardly breathing, then actually time has stopped, nothing that has happened matters, or even, has happened, and I'm not me, noone is anyone, nothing is still nothing, everything is nothing and I don't have to think.
And this, my darlings, is me as I am right now: content.
Imagine me depressed.
)0(
Anyway we talked for quite some time about jobs and flats and her NOT coming back here in September blah blah blah and about me going to give blood and all the pointless kind of stuff that you shouldn't have to talk about to your mother. I believe my expectations have fallen such a long way since December that I am content with that.
Stayed in bed for as long as possible, need to do some kind of crazy assessment, got a headache the size of Orion (my crystal, not the constellation- I'm not tttttttttttthat much of a drama queen), may or may not be going to Deep Sea World tomorrow which previously I had been excited at the prospect of, but find myself with little care for anything at the moment.
The only thing that has been really occupying me of late is my relationship with my mother and how it's rather one-sided, I've had one of HER so called epiphanies, in which I've realised it may have always been that way and therefore was never healthy.
I'm so tired all the time NOT because Ive been sleeping up to 13 hours a day (really- NO GODDAMN SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH SLEEP I TELL YOU), but because every time I drift in thought, I'm not really drifting, I'm continually coming back to the problem at hand and I can't get away from it, it's sucking the energy out of me. I'm slowly coming to an acceptance aswell, but you know, it's hard. And I suppose I feel slightly better now that we've managed to have one civil conversation in just over a week. But it took so much out of me to get there, and doesn't seem to take much of anything out of her. I just feel like I'm putting in more than I'm getting out, actually not true, I fucking know that's the case and it's a continual ache that just doesn't go away. It's now the source of the before-sleep-angst that I tried so hard to replace with crazy fantasy worlds and weird HP scenarios. Which results in me having to sleep with the light on, which just irriates the fuck out of me, and ends up me finally getting to sleep when it's light so I can turn my lamp off. And also, I just don't feel like it's worthwhile to get out of bed, it's such a chore. I've realised I actually can put off ANYTHING with the decision to just stay in my bed and coccooning myself in a suspended world. Like, if I stay in bed and do nothing, hardly breathing, then actually time has stopped, nothing that has happened matters, or even, has happened, and I'm not me, noone is anyone, nothing is still nothing, everything is nothing and I don't have to think.
And this, my darlings, is me as I am right now: content.
Imagine me depressed.
)0(