thoughts i cant seem to finish
i want to write the backdrop. the current status. set the tone for how i came to the feelings i've got right now, but the backdrop isn't why. so it doesn't matter much.
something brought me to wonder about how i've gotten here. this state of nostalgia. and in doing so i find that i am frustrated with myself, or the world around me, or the decisions that brought me here, or the inability to decipher whether it was my choices or the hand i'd been dealt that did it. what, who can i blame, doesn't matter. the hard fact is i'm here, and i am what i am. and sadly, i've grown a little bit farther from the passionate teenager i once was. and even farther still from the child i still have the needs of surging inside me. hands, and eyes, and wills broke the innocence. and the fight broke the ideals i'd formed to protect me. and exhaustion set it. and my principals feel as though they have dwindled as well.
i am insulting now, but call it comedy.
i honk at people in front of me who drive to slow. and it occurs to me tonight, perhaps they are driving their last drive as a couple and the one driving is so scared to arrive. or the song they love is playing, and they are just a block from home. or their mom just died. or.. anything.
i get up and feel the same way i felt the night before.
i judge myself rather than encourage myself.
and i guess that's what i'm doing now... but
something feels so passive and mundane about my life. what occurs to me is that i always feel like i need something that's just out of reach. a silhouette in the shadows, recognizable enough to taunt me. but never fully there to see.
things are too complicated.
then i think, im fine.
and i just need to go to sleep.
something brought me to wonder about how i've gotten here. this state of nostalgia. and in doing so i find that i am frustrated with myself, or the world around me, or the decisions that brought me here, or the inability to decipher whether it was my choices or the hand i'd been dealt that did it. what, who can i blame, doesn't matter. the hard fact is i'm here, and i am what i am. and sadly, i've grown a little bit farther from the passionate teenager i once was. and even farther still from the child i still have the needs of surging inside me. hands, and eyes, and wills broke the innocence. and the fight broke the ideals i'd formed to protect me. and exhaustion set it. and my principals feel as though they have dwindled as well.
i am insulting now, but call it comedy.
i honk at people in front of me who drive to slow. and it occurs to me tonight, perhaps they are driving their last drive as a couple and the one driving is so scared to arrive. or the song they love is playing, and they are just a block from home. or their mom just died. or.. anything.
i get up and feel the same way i felt the night before.
i judge myself rather than encourage myself.
and i guess that's what i'm doing now... but
something feels so passive and mundane about my life. what occurs to me is that i always feel like i need something that's just out of reach. a silhouette in the shadows, recognizable enough to taunt me. but never fully there to see.
things are too complicated.
then i think, im fine.
and i just need to go to sleep.