dreams
awhile ago, i had two incredibly insightful things happen to me. psychic even. when the first one happened, i kind of blew it off as my subconscious manifesting my secret desires, but after the second incident, i went back and thought, wow, that's just, wow.
the first was a dream i had. for those of you who have been following along at home, there's this guy dan with whom i've had a major falling out. we were bestest of friends and then he went back to his girlfriend (whom he had been estranged from for an entire school year), cursing me out and pretty much cutting ties to all of his school friends in the process. this was last may. i haven't spoken to the kid's face, even though we're both back in college (we're both music majors) and i actually have very civil and very friendly conversations with his girlfriend from time to time.
around when school started, i wrote in my other journal about two very wierd dreams that i had about him. in the first one, he and i were fighting. my friends chuck and laura were there. even though the dream took place at school, it wasn't the school we all currently go to, it was something like a 50s style boarding school, a la dead poets society and mona lisa smile.
what is interesting about this dream is that dan and i were fighting. at the time, we were just getting back to school, and i was getting the wierdest vibes from him. he was constantly in my thoughts. when i saw him it would really freak me out inside, because the pain of everything he's ever said to me would come rushing back. it was incredibly frustrating and overwhelming. it was like we were still fighting, spiritually, even though we were not talking to each other and mostly trying to avoid each other.
at this time i would like to say that i have a feeling that not only are we fighting each other, but i feel like im fighting myself about him, trying to make up my mind about him. im the kind of girl who gives everyone a second millionth chance, and this time im wondering if he really and truly deserves it. he also, i think, is fighting himself, because on the one hand, he wants to be friends with all the people he used to be friends with, but he's also too damn stubborn to admit that he was out of line on any number of things.
i think it was the next night after this that i had yet another dream about him. this time chuck and my friend walter were there. i can imagine why chuck was there - chuck, dan and i were really good friends - but i have no clue why walter was there, because i don't talk to him nearly as much as i talk to chuck, and i was never as close to him as i was to dan. anyway.
we were all four of us watching tv in my living room. chuck, walter and I were sitting on the two seater couch thats kind of directly across from the tv, and dan was sitting on our big couch, kind of lounging i think. when you're sitting on the couch you kind of have to turn to see the tv.
for whatever reason, chuck got up and went to sit somewhere else. for him to do this, i had to sit up a bit, as i was leaning on him (we were three people on a two seater couch, after all). dan came to sit next to me under the pretense of being able to see the tv better. when i didn't lean on him again like i was leaning on chuck, and when i, in fact, pushed him away from me, he got angry. that's when i woke up.
in my dream it was like i knew that he didn't give a damn one way or the other about seeing the television. he just wanted to come sit next to me. there's also the undercurrent of dan's jealousy of mine and chuck's relationship - which is hysterical when you know that chuck was at one point jealous of mine and dan's relationship. and it made me think that dan really did want to get back to being friends with us, or at least with me, and i was pushing him away. which is mostly nonsense, because deep down inside, i think ive come to grips with him and what he did to me and i can let it go. and while that's not necessarily welcoming him back into my life, it's not pushing him out of it either.
after these two dreams, my constant thoughts of dan subsided. i got busy and pushed him to the back of my mind, and finally adjusted to seeing him on a regular basis without freaking out inside. of course, you can argue that by making myself busy with everything else, i just haven't had the time to think about him. that may be true, but even when i was doing other things, dan was always present in the back of my mind, the elephant in the room that no one wanted to acknowledge. but now, sometimes i go for awhile and then i realize, heh, oh yeah, dan still exists. so i just thought that it was all in my head and that i wasn't picking up any psychic brain waves from him, which is too bad, really, because we used to joke all the time about how we shared a brain and mostly thought the same things at the same time.
and then last week i was having a conversation with my friend pj. pj is cousins with a friend of mine from high school, in fact, thats how i met him years ago, through this friend rich. rich and i were amazingly good friends, and very close. rich was the first person that i was ever really really really close to, but we never dated. we were just that good of friends.
we've lost touch through the years because his path has led him far far away from me. to georgia. but also to a lot of things that while i don't neccessarily condemn, i just wouldn't ever partake in them, or advise anyone i know to try them (drugs, mostly). i try to be a live and let live person.
sometimes, through the years, ive missed him horribly, and i try to imagine myself with him, somewhere, floating among the clouds like we always used to write silly stories about, he and i, the wolf and the star dancer. and most of the time, i usually can't find him or visualize him in our playground amongst the stars, and it makes me sad.
so im talking to pj, and i get this image of richie in my head. he's sitting somewhere, kind of relaxed and he quite clearly said just the word "hi." and about ten seconds later pj IMs me with "richie says hi."
im floored. im absolutely floored. first of all im dumbfounded that what i just saw in my head actually happened, and im excited and surprised that rich is up here in new jersey and not down south somewhere.
then, of course, because this is my luck, pj's laptop goes dead and i don't get to ask him much more. i've since found out that richie is here for awhile with a friend from down south. they're both here while the friend's apartment gets renovated. i have no clue how long they're going to be here. i know that he's staying with his grandmother and not with his mom, pj conjectures that it's because there isn't room for rich and a friend at his mom's house but as far as i know, if alli has moved to long island, and jenny very well could be somewhere else, that's two rooms the friend could be sleeping in, and richie would be sleeping in his. but then again, who knows. maybe things have changed around in richie's house, maybe his mom moved to a different house altogether. but this time im really going to try and get in touch with him, somehow, i want to see him. i haven't seen him in three years, at least.
so after this happens, i go back to thinking about my dreams about dan. maybe i was picking up something after all, maybe we do still, in fact, share a brain. i don't know. maybe i never will, but i think it's important that i acknowledge these two events as having some real worth on my journey.
the first was a dream i had. for those of you who have been following along at home, there's this guy dan with whom i've had a major falling out. we were bestest of friends and then he went back to his girlfriend (whom he had been estranged from for an entire school year), cursing me out and pretty much cutting ties to all of his school friends in the process. this was last may. i haven't spoken to the kid's face, even though we're both back in college (we're both music majors) and i actually have very civil and very friendly conversations with his girlfriend from time to time.
around when school started, i wrote in my other journal about two very wierd dreams that i had about him. in the first one, he and i were fighting. my friends chuck and laura were there. even though the dream took place at school, it wasn't the school we all currently go to, it was something like a 50s style boarding school, a la dead poets society and mona lisa smile.
what is interesting about this dream is that dan and i were fighting. at the time, we were just getting back to school, and i was getting the wierdest vibes from him. he was constantly in my thoughts. when i saw him it would really freak me out inside, because the pain of everything he's ever said to me would come rushing back. it was incredibly frustrating and overwhelming. it was like we were still fighting, spiritually, even though we were not talking to each other and mostly trying to avoid each other.
at this time i would like to say that i have a feeling that not only are we fighting each other, but i feel like im fighting myself about him, trying to make up my mind about him. im the kind of girl who gives everyone a second millionth chance, and this time im wondering if he really and truly deserves it. he also, i think, is fighting himself, because on the one hand, he wants to be friends with all the people he used to be friends with, but he's also too damn stubborn to admit that he was out of line on any number of things.
i think it was the next night after this that i had yet another dream about him. this time chuck and my friend walter were there. i can imagine why chuck was there - chuck, dan and i were really good friends - but i have no clue why walter was there, because i don't talk to him nearly as much as i talk to chuck, and i was never as close to him as i was to dan. anyway.
we were all four of us watching tv in my living room. chuck, walter and I were sitting on the two seater couch thats kind of directly across from the tv, and dan was sitting on our big couch, kind of lounging i think. when you're sitting on the couch you kind of have to turn to see the tv.
for whatever reason, chuck got up and went to sit somewhere else. for him to do this, i had to sit up a bit, as i was leaning on him (we were three people on a two seater couch, after all). dan came to sit next to me under the pretense of being able to see the tv better. when i didn't lean on him again like i was leaning on chuck, and when i, in fact, pushed him away from me, he got angry. that's when i woke up.
in my dream it was like i knew that he didn't give a damn one way or the other about seeing the television. he just wanted to come sit next to me. there's also the undercurrent of dan's jealousy of mine and chuck's relationship - which is hysterical when you know that chuck was at one point jealous of mine and dan's relationship. and it made me think that dan really did want to get back to being friends with us, or at least with me, and i was pushing him away. which is mostly nonsense, because deep down inside, i think ive come to grips with him and what he did to me and i can let it go. and while that's not necessarily welcoming him back into my life, it's not pushing him out of it either.
after these two dreams, my constant thoughts of dan subsided. i got busy and pushed him to the back of my mind, and finally adjusted to seeing him on a regular basis without freaking out inside. of course, you can argue that by making myself busy with everything else, i just haven't had the time to think about him. that may be true, but even when i was doing other things, dan was always present in the back of my mind, the elephant in the room that no one wanted to acknowledge. but now, sometimes i go for awhile and then i realize, heh, oh yeah, dan still exists. so i just thought that it was all in my head and that i wasn't picking up any psychic brain waves from him, which is too bad, really, because we used to joke all the time about how we shared a brain and mostly thought the same things at the same time.
and then last week i was having a conversation with my friend pj. pj is cousins with a friend of mine from high school, in fact, thats how i met him years ago, through this friend rich. rich and i were amazingly good friends, and very close. rich was the first person that i was ever really really really close to, but we never dated. we were just that good of friends.
we've lost touch through the years because his path has led him far far away from me. to georgia. but also to a lot of things that while i don't neccessarily condemn, i just wouldn't ever partake in them, or advise anyone i know to try them (drugs, mostly). i try to be a live and let live person.
sometimes, through the years, ive missed him horribly, and i try to imagine myself with him, somewhere, floating among the clouds like we always used to write silly stories about, he and i, the wolf and the star dancer. and most of the time, i usually can't find him or visualize him in our playground amongst the stars, and it makes me sad.
so im talking to pj, and i get this image of richie in my head. he's sitting somewhere, kind of relaxed and he quite clearly said just the word "hi." and about ten seconds later pj IMs me with "richie says hi."
im floored. im absolutely floored. first of all im dumbfounded that what i just saw in my head actually happened, and im excited and surprised that rich is up here in new jersey and not down south somewhere.
then, of course, because this is my luck, pj's laptop goes dead and i don't get to ask him much more. i've since found out that richie is here for awhile with a friend from down south. they're both here while the friend's apartment gets renovated. i have no clue how long they're going to be here. i know that he's staying with his grandmother and not with his mom, pj conjectures that it's because there isn't room for rich and a friend at his mom's house but as far as i know, if alli has moved to long island, and jenny very well could be somewhere else, that's two rooms the friend could be sleeping in, and richie would be sleeping in his. but then again, who knows. maybe things have changed around in richie's house, maybe his mom moved to a different house altogether. but this time im really going to try and get in touch with him, somehow, i want to see him. i haven't seen him in three years, at least.
so after this happens, i go back to thinking about my dreams about dan. maybe i was picking up something after all, maybe we do still, in fact, share a brain. i don't know. maybe i never will, but i think it's important that i acknowledge these two events as having some real worth on my journey.