entry #3
babe, this is more of an assignment than an actual entry for the sake of writing. i'm going to see if i can sort it out here. tell me if this doesn't work for you.
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He would wake up in the morning and wonder what to do with his day. But not wonder like, "What the hell am I going to do today?" or like "What else needs to be handled today?" or "What did I forget to do yesterday?"
Just wonder.
He would then come up with an answer, or not. Either way would suit him fine. Then he would proceed with his morning ritual, fully present to the sunlight streaming in (or the rain's patter on the roof), his coffee in hand, inhaling the bittersweet sent, letting his senses unfold slowly, gaining in alertness with every breath.
He would then choose to watch TV, or go see a friend, or swim 20 laps, or strip naked and streak through the neighborhood, or proceed to his socially acceptable job, or make love to his wife, or start a fight with his brother, or write his novel, or fly to Brazil, or go back to sleep.
He would have no reason for doing either or.
He would do things for the sake of doing things.
He would be living for the sake of living.
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that btw is my reflection on what it would look like if you had nothing to live for and didn't care that you had nothing to live for. i'm trying to figure out my attachment to having a purpose and my resistance to creating a purpose for myself.
and if i wrote what he'd look like to me if he had a purpose, i think the last sentence would be the same, because for it to be a real choice, a real creation, it would be for no reason, it would be for the sake of the creation.
if there is nothing wrong then there's space to just BE. not having to get anywhere. And it's not like I'm right about this. I could stand from it. from the context of doing for the sake of doing.
i could put at stake my giving up "in order to", I could put at stake fully experiencing my life for what it is and what it's not. being fully present and not going into my head.
I could put at stake being WITH people. communicating to get and be gotten.
i keep trying to numb myself. am i afraid of getting hurt? failing? what am i avoiding? i guess i need to figure that out still, but at least I've begun creating.
I am putting at stake having my eye on someone else for more than a moment, the ability to fulfill other people's concerns.
-
He would wake up in the morning and wonder what to do with his day. But not wonder like, "What the hell am I going to do today?" or like "What else needs to be handled today?" or "What did I forget to do yesterday?"
Just wonder.
He would then come up with an answer, or not. Either way would suit him fine. Then he would proceed with his morning ritual, fully present to the sunlight streaming in (or the rain's patter on the roof), his coffee in hand, inhaling the bittersweet sent, letting his senses unfold slowly, gaining in alertness with every breath.
He would then choose to watch TV, or go see a friend, or swim 20 laps, or strip naked and streak through the neighborhood, or proceed to his socially acceptable job, or make love to his wife, or start a fight with his brother, or write his novel, or fly to Brazil, or go back to sleep.
He would have no reason for doing either or.
He would do things for the sake of doing things.
He would be living for the sake of living.
-
that btw is my reflection on what it would look like if you had nothing to live for and didn't care that you had nothing to live for. i'm trying to figure out my attachment to having a purpose and my resistance to creating a purpose for myself.
and if i wrote what he'd look like to me if he had a purpose, i think the last sentence would be the same, because for it to be a real choice, a real creation, it would be for no reason, it would be for the sake of the creation.
if there is nothing wrong then there's space to just BE. not having to get anywhere. And it's not like I'm right about this. I could stand from it. from the context of doing for the sake of doing.
i could put at stake my giving up "in order to", I could put at stake fully experiencing my life for what it is and what it's not. being fully present and not going into my head.
I could put at stake being WITH people. communicating to get and be gotten.
i keep trying to numb myself. am i afraid of getting hurt? failing? what am i avoiding? i guess i need to figure that out still, but at least I've begun creating.
I am putting at stake having my eye on someone else for more than a moment, the ability to fulfill other people's concerns.