Heidi
Let me just say that there is no reason for me to be writing this... It's basically out of the blue and something small and whiney. Having said that I suppose that you've guessed that I'm going to write about it anyway.
I finished my substitute RA duties (which mostly consisted of me getting milk and watching Totoro-yeah my job sucks don't it? :D ) and then I came up to check e-mail and chat. I message a friend with my usual "Yo, girl, what's up!?"and I can do nothing but think of my step-sister, Heidi. Let me find you all a picture...
She's the one with the kid, not the kid. I thought of her because I got that greeting from her, especially the use of "girl" as refering to a close friend of much importance. I have looked up to my sister from the first moment I can remember her, which I cannot recall specifically, but I always remember her being there and thus I have admired her for the entierty of my existance. (Minus when she first dropped out of college to get married and be a stay-at-home-mom, a period I thankfully got over) My mother says that when I was a baby I might have been crying and caring on for no one knows how long and all Heidi would have to do is peak over my crib at me and I would smile. I have gone along with and loved this little tale since i was told it because it fit so well with my thoughts on her as I continued to grow up. Some may say I had a crush on my sister... I mearly thought her a goddess. She was everything a girl was supposed to be. She was beautiful, smart, funny, popular, and could still hold her own against the boys. She was everything inside of me that I wish I could be. (yes song referance but not in any meaningful or symbolic way) As a goddess she was much different from some weird (unrealted by blood, hence step and not half-sister) in family crush; she was beyond being a physical being in my head. When she dropped out of college I was crushed... my idea of her as a strong independent woman was devoured by the 1900's image of the stay-at-home-mother. In my mind she became the biggest disappointment... Then she had kids and one by one I grew to adore them and understand her decision. If/when I have my own kids I don't know how I will deal with my desire to be with them 100% of the time, not wanting to miss a second of their lives and also wanting to be completely devoted to my career (however I have a fair amount of time before I will really need to think about such things). Now that she is once again a goddess in my mind's eye I feel as though I can't dare destroy that. True enough I got through it once... but that was me coping with disappointment and I worry that she might not turn out to be so understanding of life choices. How could I possibly disappoint her so utterly with the course of my life? I could be a L*****n (lesbian). It's true that in truth I consider my self bi, but in practice I have no doubt been nothing but a lesbian. Why would this be such a disappointment? Ask her husband, great great guy but also a greatly religious Republican businessman. My other step-sister, Linda (who loves Jesus but not his teachings of love and tolerance and who-knowing I'm gay- still askes me each time I see her if I have a bf yet) has warned me not to tell Heidi because then she might prevent me from seeing her kids, my nephews and neice. No doubt this frightens me-I love them with absolution-but what really frightens me would be her prevention of me being able to see her and talk to her.
"So?" you ask, "what makes it so that you would need to tell her?" and true enough she has never inquired as to my romantic life. However, as I have before I am begining to feel this aching pain that I am lying to her by not telling her the whole truth. This is why: If I had had a BOYfriend by now I would have told her every gossipy little detail. I would have told her about the first time I saw him, our first kiss, how romantic he was and then quite likely, how he entierly ruined my heart and whine my heart out while she gave me the "other fish in the sea" advice. As it stands, that whole sisterly comrade relationship is non-existant between us, that connection is lost. I want that connection or a connect so badly that it's as tortourous as my skin condition.
On the upside I got lots of free comics today (from the Mad floor of the DC and Mad Mag building where Chari interns and from the president of friends of Lulu NYC chapter where they were having an event earlier this evening). The DC floors were amazing... they obviously love batman more than superman and aren't afraid to show it. I also got to meet new people, Sam and Kris from Mad and a lot of people from DC Direct like jim and this amazing girl who's name I forget, but will get from Chari later to see if I can get her to come in and talk at Cartoon Allies. I also saw lots of familiar faces from conventions (no Idea how to spell some names so I won't) and Joey Cavalieri. Joey's office is as messy looking as one might expect and it was awesome to see him again. I truely miss his class and need to work on the comic I did for the final. Also he's switched from Diet Pepsi to water, a sad iconic shift, but much healthier for him. He said he believes he finally realized the caffine wasn't helping things.
At FoL I got pizza and talked to a woman about the state of comics today and in the future. She's writing something on autobiographical comics. And then there was a guy who overheard I was from MD (as was he) and we discused it's leanings as a norther or southern state. I said technically and historically southern but culturally northern. Then as I was leaving some woman handed me her business card.. who the hell knows why, but she had only brought her own comics to promote and swap and I found that put a sour taste in my mouth.
I washed it away by biking home and watching totoro instead of doing laundry like I desperately need to do... oh well I will do it tomorrow after I help sarah.
I finished my substitute RA duties (which mostly consisted of me getting milk and watching Totoro-yeah my job sucks don't it? :D ) and then I came up to check e-mail and chat. I message a friend with my usual "Yo, girl, what's up!?"and I can do nothing but think of my step-sister, Heidi. Let me find you all a picture...
She's the one with the kid, not the kid. I thought of her because I got that greeting from her, especially the use of "girl" as refering to a close friend of much importance. I have looked up to my sister from the first moment I can remember her, which I cannot recall specifically, but I always remember her being there and thus I have admired her for the entierty of my existance. (Minus when she first dropped out of college to get married and be a stay-at-home-mom, a period I thankfully got over) My mother says that when I was a baby I might have been crying and caring on for no one knows how long and all Heidi would have to do is peak over my crib at me and I would smile. I have gone along with and loved this little tale since i was told it because it fit so well with my thoughts on her as I continued to grow up. Some may say I had a crush on my sister... I mearly thought her a goddess. She was everything a girl was supposed to be. She was beautiful, smart, funny, popular, and could still hold her own against the boys. She was everything inside of me that I wish I could be. (yes song referance but not in any meaningful or symbolic way) As a goddess she was much different from some weird (unrealted by blood, hence step and not half-sister) in family crush; she was beyond being a physical being in my head. When she dropped out of college I was crushed... my idea of her as a strong independent woman was devoured by the 1900's image of the stay-at-home-mother. In my mind she became the biggest disappointment... Then she had kids and one by one I grew to adore them and understand her decision. If/when I have my own kids I don't know how I will deal with my desire to be with them 100% of the time, not wanting to miss a second of their lives and also wanting to be completely devoted to my career (however I have a fair amount of time before I will really need to think about such things). Now that she is once again a goddess in my mind's eye I feel as though I can't dare destroy that. True enough I got through it once... but that was me coping with disappointment and I worry that she might not turn out to be so understanding of life choices. How could I possibly disappoint her so utterly with the course of my life? I could be a L*****n (lesbian). It's true that in truth I consider my self bi, but in practice I have no doubt been nothing but a lesbian. Why would this be such a disappointment? Ask her husband, great great guy but also a greatly religious Republican businessman. My other step-sister, Linda (who loves Jesus but not his teachings of love and tolerance and who-knowing I'm gay- still askes me each time I see her if I have a bf yet) has warned me not to tell Heidi because then she might prevent me from seeing her kids, my nephews and neice. No doubt this frightens me-I love them with absolution-but what really frightens me would be her prevention of me being able to see her and talk to her.
"So?" you ask, "what makes it so that you would need to tell her?" and true enough she has never inquired as to my romantic life. However, as I have before I am begining to feel this aching pain that I am lying to her by not telling her the whole truth. This is why: If I had had a BOYfriend by now I would have told her every gossipy little detail. I would have told her about the first time I saw him, our first kiss, how romantic he was and then quite likely, how he entierly ruined my heart and whine my heart out while she gave me the "other fish in the sea" advice. As it stands, that whole sisterly comrade relationship is non-existant between us, that connection is lost. I want that connection or a connect so badly that it's as tortourous as my skin condition.
On the upside I got lots of free comics today (from the Mad floor of the DC and Mad Mag building where Chari interns and from the president of friends of Lulu NYC chapter where they were having an event earlier this evening). The DC floors were amazing... they obviously love batman more than superman and aren't afraid to show it. I also got to meet new people, Sam and Kris from Mad and a lot of people from DC Direct like jim and this amazing girl who's name I forget, but will get from Chari later to see if I can get her to come in and talk at Cartoon Allies. I also saw lots of familiar faces from conventions (no Idea how to spell some names so I won't) and Joey Cavalieri. Joey's office is as messy looking as one might expect and it was awesome to see him again. I truely miss his class and need to work on the comic I did for the final. Also he's switched from Diet Pepsi to water, a sad iconic shift, but much healthier for him. He said he believes he finally realized the caffine wasn't helping things.
At FoL I got pizza and talked to a woman about the state of comics today and in the future. She's writing something on autobiographical comics. And then there was a guy who overheard I was from MD (as was he) and we discused it's leanings as a norther or southern state. I said technically and historically southern but culturally northern. Then as I was leaving some woman handed me her business card.. who the hell knows why, but she had only brought her own comics to promote and swap and I found that put a sour taste in my mouth.
I washed it away by biking home and watching totoro instead of doing laundry like I desperately need to do... oh well I will do it tomorrow after I help sarah.