Rambling...it's what I'm good at..
So here I am…bored in photo id. There’s nothing for me to do…so I gave my journal a change. Nothing drastic really, just something new until I can get my new picture up. I have another hour here and then I have 2 hours to kill until I have to come back here and work for another 2 hours. Yippee skippee. So, Danielle and I went and looked at the apartment on Alexander St. needless to say we were very disappointed. It needed cleaning, but that’s a given. The only major problem was the fact that the bedroom was wicked small. It had a huge walk in closet which was nice, but it took up a quarter of the room. I’m going to move in with my friend Amy temporarily until Danielle and I can find a place. We found a place on Kelly St. it’s only $505 a month, including utilities, and it’s a 2 bedroom. I just don’t know if I like the area. It looks worse than it is, but still. I guess I’ll have to invest in a gun and mace. HaHa. I really don’t want to go home…I’d be spending in gas what I would be in rent…so I’d still be breaking even…and if I stay up here I don’t have to drive an hour to work every day…it’s more convenient.
Work at PacSun is fun so far. I kept messing up on the register yesterday..but I'm new to their system so it's to be expected. I sold over $1500 in merchandise and I thought that was pretty good for my second day..it's fun there..I really like the people...well..I don't know wuite how to take Erica yet..but it's really not bad..more boring just standing around..but I get paid to do it..so..it makes me happy..
I miss Jared and I’d like to be able to see him more often, but there’s nothing else for me there. I wish he’d move up here and go to school…there’s great opportunities here…but he refuses, so I guess…I dunno. We’re stuck in the same place we have been. I miss him so much. I haven’t seen him in about a month. I feel like he misses me too, but he has Adam and his brother to hang out with too. I know he doesn’t miss me as much as I miss him…but what can I do? I know that if we could get completely away from here and all the fuckheads that we know…we’d be perfect together. We get along so well without other people around. He pretty much told me that we just wont work out, but I know that we could. We have…it just seems like people that are miserable like to bring us down as well. Ugh...I hate Wolcott. Everyone tells me that I just need to move on…that if he really cared he’d try harder…but…given our history...I can see why we are where we are. I just wish that he’d realize how hard I’m working. I’m trying to balance school, 3 jobs, friends, and my own time just to get by. Isn’t the fact that I’m killing myself enough for him to see? He wants to take the easy way out and live at home. That’s fine for him…he gets along with his mom and step dad…when I love at home I can’t stand it. My mom and I fight…my dad isn’t ever around...and I’m miserable. I understand that it’s cheaper to live at home, but now that I’ve had a taste of my freedom…I will do anything I can so that I don’t have to move home. That should be an admirable quality…but he makes me feel like I’m making all of the wrong choices. I can’t just sit home and play...I have stuff that I need to do. He hates my parents and wouldn’t want to live with them? Why do I feel like I’m being criticized for doing something that he would do if he was in my situation. I’m in college…what’s so wrong with acting my age? I’m not putting blame for my feelings on Jared…not at all...I’m just so sick of busting my ass and having it get me nowhere.
Ugh…final tomorrow and then I’m done with classes and all that they entail until fall. I still have Peer Mentors this summer…but I wont have homework…so it’s worth it in that aspect. Next semester I’ll have 3 jobs, and 21 credits. I have a feeling that suicidal thoughts will be ringing in my ears. I just hope I can get through it.
Lately I’ve been feeling so shitty about my life and myself in general. I feel so disgustingly ugly and worthless. I see so many happy couples and feel sickness in the pit of my stomach. I don’t think it’s jealousy…well maybe it is…I’d give anything to be happy...I just think it’s more like I hate how others are so happy and I’m so miserable. I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be a sophomore in college…and I really have nothing to show for it. A 3.0 (after this semester) GPA and I’m so mad at myself because I could’ve done better. I’m just at my wits end. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this empty and alone in my life. This is the time when I should be out and having the time of my life…and I’m not…at all. All I do is worry. My biggest fear in life is that I’ll fail and be miserable. Even though I have a lot going for me, I feel like I’m on this downward spiral and no matter what I do...I just keep sinking down farther and farther.
Ugh…someone save me..
I need to go before I start to cry and create an unwanted attention to myself…
Work at PacSun is fun so far. I kept messing up on the register yesterday..but I'm new to their system so it's to be expected. I sold over $1500 in merchandise and I thought that was pretty good for my second day..it's fun there..I really like the people...well..I don't know wuite how to take Erica yet..but it's really not bad..more boring just standing around..but I get paid to do it..so..it makes me happy..
I miss Jared and I’d like to be able to see him more often, but there’s nothing else for me there. I wish he’d move up here and go to school…there’s great opportunities here…but he refuses, so I guess…I dunno. We’re stuck in the same place we have been. I miss him so much. I haven’t seen him in about a month. I feel like he misses me too, but he has Adam and his brother to hang out with too. I know he doesn’t miss me as much as I miss him…but what can I do? I know that if we could get completely away from here and all the fuckheads that we know…we’d be perfect together. We get along so well without other people around. He pretty much told me that we just wont work out, but I know that we could. We have…it just seems like people that are miserable like to bring us down as well. Ugh...I hate Wolcott. Everyone tells me that I just need to move on…that if he really cared he’d try harder…but…given our history...I can see why we are where we are. I just wish that he’d realize how hard I’m working. I’m trying to balance school, 3 jobs, friends, and my own time just to get by. Isn’t the fact that I’m killing myself enough for him to see? He wants to take the easy way out and live at home. That’s fine for him…he gets along with his mom and step dad…when I love at home I can’t stand it. My mom and I fight…my dad isn’t ever around...and I’m miserable. I understand that it’s cheaper to live at home, but now that I’ve had a taste of my freedom…I will do anything I can so that I don’t have to move home. That should be an admirable quality…but he makes me feel like I’m making all of the wrong choices. I can’t just sit home and play...I have stuff that I need to do. He hates my parents and wouldn’t want to live with them? Why do I feel like I’m being criticized for doing something that he would do if he was in my situation. I’m in college…what’s so wrong with acting my age? I’m not putting blame for my feelings on Jared…not at all...I’m just so sick of busting my ass and having it get me nowhere.
Ugh…final tomorrow and then I’m done with classes and all that they entail until fall. I still have Peer Mentors this summer…but I wont have homework…so it’s worth it in that aspect. Next semester I’ll have 3 jobs, and 21 credits. I have a feeling that suicidal thoughts will be ringing in my ears. I just hope I can get through it.
Lately I’ve been feeling so shitty about my life and myself in general. I feel so disgustingly ugly and worthless. I see so many happy couples and feel sickness in the pit of my stomach. I don’t think it’s jealousy…well maybe it is…I’d give anything to be happy...I just think it’s more like I hate how others are so happy and I’m so miserable. I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be a sophomore in college…and I really have nothing to show for it. A 3.0 (after this semester) GPA and I’m so mad at myself because I could’ve done better. I’m just at my wits end. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this empty and alone in my life. This is the time when I should be out and having the time of my life…and I’m not…at all. All I do is worry. My biggest fear in life is that I’ll fail and be miserable. Even though I have a lot going for me, I feel like I’m on this downward spiral and no matter what I do...I just keep sinking down farther and farther.
Ugh…someone save me..
I need to go before I start to cry and create an unwanted attention to myself…