The Longest Day of the Year
Today is another day I've spent without my dad. What makes it different is, it is father's day (the second without him) and the overwhelming never changing fact that it would have been his birthday. He would have been 71, if he were here today. The Longest day of the year, dragged on without him. I spent the day with Graham's family and as good as it made me feel and as much as I love them, it wasn't the same. Because I knew I'd never have another with him.
I cried in the pub the other day. They played Mama Cass's "Dream a little dream." That song always brings me to tears now, because dad loved it. The last weeks of his life he was in a drug coma, and my brother and I used to sing every song we could think of in his hospital room, hoping it would wake him. And when I was alone, I'd sing that song, regularly reducing myself to tears and praying pathetically for some higher power to help me. No such luck. And now anywhere I hear that song, I cry. I'll be in the car with Don, and I'll cry. In a pub with Graham, I'll cry. Though I kept it to myself in the pub. I cried when Graham left the table and composed myself by his return. Even to an instrumental version in an elevator, I'll sob.
I still tell stories about him ad nausea. I'm sure everyone has had enough, but I can't help thinking about him, and I'm just so proud of everything he did. And I still feel cheated, after 2 years. Cheated of father, friend, and mentor. Cheated of a good bye. He gave me London, he gave me England and by extension he gave me Graham and Ash and the situation I'm in now. But I still wonder every now and then if I would give up everything I have now to have him back? I hate that I had to sacrifice dad to find Graham. Or perhaps Graham was given to me to make up for taking a chunk out of my life. I guess I'll never know.
I love Graham, but still my heart aches. I miss my father, especially on this... the longest day of the year.
I cried in the pub the other day. They played Mama Cass's "Dream a little dream." That song always brings me to tears now, because dad loved it. The last weeks of his life he was in a drug coma, and my brother and I used to sing every song we could think of in his hospital room, hoping it would wake him. And when I was alone, I'd sing that song, regularly reducing myself to tears and praying pathetically for some higher power to help me. No such luck. And now anywhere I hear that song, I cry. I'll be in the car with Don, and I'll cry. In a pub with Graham, I'll cry. Though I kept it to myself in the pub. I cried when Graham left the table and composed myself by his return. Even to an instrumental version in an elevator, I'll sob.
I still tell stories about him ad nausea. I'm sure everyone has had enough, but I can't help thinking about him, and I'm just so proud of everything he did. And I still feel cheated, after 2 years. Cheated of father, friend, and mentor. Cheated of a good bye. He gave me London, he gave me England and by extension he gave me Graham and Ash and the situation I'm in now. But I still wonder every now and then if I would give up everything I have now to have him back? I hate that I had to sacrifice dad to find Graham. Or perhaps Graham was given to me to make up for taking a chunk out of my life. I guess I'll never know.
I love Graham, but still my heart aches. I miss my father, especially on this... the longest day of the year.