(no subject)
i hate when i wake up in the morning thinking about how i can't stand people. I had some really weird dreams. i did weird and shitty things in them... but the shitty things weren't way off... they were things that might actually happen. and i woke up not only disliking myself, but dislikng everyone. and then i come on livejournal to read about how everyone is doing (because discustingly i rely on it like that) and 80% of the entries are people being lame and unhappy or angry or disappointed and it sucks. i hate feeling so unhappy that i'm afraid to go to work. because i don't want to be mean to any one. or space out for an hour. or worst of all, CRY. I hate hating myself. and i hate that it's not ALL distorted. last year, and at moments still it is. i can look back and realize tht i was in some other world and i had no idea what was going on for real. now, it's like static. it's like the movie channels that are scrambled and you try to make out what was going on... sometimes you were sure you knew what was going on, but still could hear it all the way or see it clearly. i know i'm being rediculous. it feels like i just need an attitude adjustment. but it won't happen. the static won't go away. and then the anxiety sets in. anxiety over EVERYTHING. down to what i am going to eat for breakfast. this is lame. i just wanted to jump on the depressing band wagon that is livejournal. thank god i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow... i honestly think it is the only thing keeping me sane. in a way, knowing you are crazy keeps you saner (is that a word?) than wondering what is wrong with you. i think that is the big difference between this year and last. whatever. this is dumb. i'm going to go talk with my sanity. he's done with english now.