(no subject)
Looking back, I don't have a single complaint. Regrets, sure, but nothing worth talking about. There's not a lot worth talking about lately. Don't get me wrong, it's not that life isn't thrilling enough, it's more about that I'm having a hard time finding the words to describe it. I used to live in my head a lot. I did actually write back then too, journal upon journal and when there were no more pages to fill, I'd burn them. But it was all about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my shit. And then, on some seemingly ordinary day, it can all change.
I was watching Vanilla Sky on the plane yesterday. I love that movie because it has some awesome lines and I like Penelope's characters. She's the perfect girl, isn't she? I want to marry her and wake up to her smile every morning. My drama teacher used to yell at me because I got so infatuated with certain characters, that I or someone else played. "They are not real, Angie". Not real. Not real. Not real. I decide what's real.
I have just returned from Jordan. There are always too many emotions after a visit like this. We were taken to see refugees from Iraq. There's so much love and so much warmth among these people. Even though I'm prepared now, that always strikes me. I enjoy these visits so much, I enjoy being dusty and covered in mud and I enjoy communicating through smiles and facial expressions. I don't have time to live in my head anymore. I don't have time to analyze, well over analyze, my thoughts and my place in the world. Instead of thinking, looking up therapists and get prescription drugs, I get to take action and that's how it dawned on me. The people I meet in these camps are grateful for life, where as we in the western world take life for granted. I don't mean to be cruel but most people in America can shove their silly, little depressions up their ass because if people who have seen their families slaughtered in front of them can keep from killing themselves in a fit of desperation, so can you.
Julian and the guys have three more shows to play in Europe and then I don't know. I hope we are going to spend Christmas together but I decided the other day that I want to spend it at Kate's in LA, since she's almost due and I want to be there because I miss her so much. I miss Jamie too. Usually I would force him to spend the day with me but I don't even know if he's home. This was my note-to-self paragraph, moving on.
I miss him when our schedules don't match. Which is almost constantly. I'm aware that he drinks a lot, that girls throw themselves at him. I don't let it bother me. I try, anyway. I'm a firm believer in that a relationship is two people who enjoy spending time together, not two people trying to live one life. Since when, you ask. Since about two months ago. Everyone has always told me my relationships are unhealthy and by the look of it, they might be right. This is not about some kind of soul searching from my behalf, it's about what I have with Julian right now is so precious to me. I know that he loves me and we're still so casual most of the time and it blows my mind. He never drinks when he's around Maddox. I hadn't touched alcohol since he got into my life because I want, no need, to be alert at all times. If Maddox starts crying 2 o'clock in the morning, I want to be there for him. Sometimes we stay up until the sun rises, just talking. Ok, mostly talking. He laughs a lot with me, to the point of laying his head down on his hands so he appears to be crying. I'm convinced he thinks I'm dumb. Other nights I get to cuddle up next to him and just be his girl. He strokes my hair, kisses my forehead and calls me pillowlips. I would never tell him but that might be my favorite thing in the world.
Hi Ben Affleck, are you over J.Lo yet?
I was watching Vanilla Sky on the plane yesterday. I love that movie because it has some awesome lines and I like Penelope's characters. She's the perfect girl, isn't she? I want to marry her and wake up to her smile every morning. My drama teacher used to yell at me because I got so infatuated with certain characters, that I or someone else played. "They are not real, Angie". Not real. Not real. Not real. I decide what's real.
I have just returned from Jordan. There are always too many emotions after a visit like this. We were taken to see refugees from Iraq. There's so much love and so much warmth among these people. Even though I'm prepared now, that always strikes me. I enjoy these visits so much, I enjoy being dusty and covered in mud and I enjoy communicating through smiles and facial expressions. I don't have time to live in my head anymore. I don't have time to analyze, well over analyze, my thoughts and my place in the world. Instead of thinking, looking up therapists and get prescription drugs, I get to take action and that's how it dawned on me. The people I meet in these camps are grateful for life, where as we in the western world take life for granted. I don't mean to be cruel but most people in America can shove their silly, little depressions up their ass because if people who have seen their families slaughtered in front of them can keep from killing themselves in a fit of desperation, so can you.
Julian and the guys have three more shows to play in Europe and then I don't know. I hope we are going to spend Christmas together but I decided the other day that I want to spend it at Kate's in LA, since she's almost due and I want to be there because I miss her so much. I miss Jamie too. Usually I would force him to spend the day with me but I don't even know if he's home. This was my note-to-self paragraph, moving on.
I miss him when our schedules don't match. Which is almost constantly. I'm aware that he drinks a lot, that girls throw themselves at him. I don't let it bother me. I try, anyway. I'm a firm believer in that a relationship is two people who enjoy spending time together, not two people trying to live one life. Since when, you ask. Since about two months ago. Everyone has always told me my relationships are unhealthy and by the look of it, they might be right. This is not about some kind of soul searching from my behalf, it's about what I have with Julian right now is so precious to me. I know that he loves me and we're still so casual most of the time and it blows my mind. He never drinks when he's around Maddox. I hadn't touched alcohol since he got into my life because I want, no need, to be alert at all times. If Maddox starts crying 2 o'clock in the morning, I want to be there for him. Sometimes we stay up until the sun rises, just talking. Ok, mostly talking. He laughs a lot with me, to the point of laying his head down on his hands so he appears to be crying. I'm convinced he thinks I'm dumb. Other nights I get to cuddle up next to him and just be his girl. He strokes my hair, kisses my forehead and calls me pillowlips. I would never tell him but that might be my favorite thing in the world.
Hi Ben Affleck, are you over J.Lo yet?