in my heart is the five of ussss
Failing? This is how I feel about it.
Does it make you a bad person, failing a class? No, I dont think so. I mean we are all taught that your grades/education is a top priority, but I mean...does it make you a bad person if youre below average? I used to think it did, just because most bad persons happen to have bad grades. I mean, the way I understood things prior to ... well, today, is that if you make bad grades, you are a bad person. To me, being a bad person means doing things that are unjust, that involve misconduct, and immoral standards. I never understood how kids who fail could live with themselves, I always thought I'd constantly be putting myself down if I was in their situation. Which is half true, now that I am at the risk of failing ... actually its not even a risk its a very likely possibility... my chem class, I realise that this one class is making me feel terrible about all my other classes. Even though I have wonderful A's in those classes, I all the sudden have the urge to tell myself I did something wrong or forget to do something else. Failing, it makes me extremely insecure, and cautious. It makes me paranoid, I jump to conclusions and I just dont like that side of me. Im not at risk of failing because I dont try, or I am lazy, but I simply signed up for a class that I just cant devote myself to (because of my lack of time) and honestly, is way out of my league. I thought if I could push and rough it out in the beginning things would become easier as the class went on...I was terribly misled. It just got harder and I found myself struggling to answer homework questions, and faking my comprehension. WHICH TAKES THE CAKE, for sure. Faking your comprehension is beyond pathetic, its sad. I'd ask a question (which was hard enough, it puts you in an unstable position asking a question when you think everyone else probably knows the answer. Asking a question is the hardest task to accomplish in the class, simply because everyone in the class is so smart...and the smarter you are, the more pride you have. Therefore no one asks thorough questions, only "can we use pen?" 's and "....in a black hole?" 's .) and find myself not understanding a thing he was trying to explain, and then feeling even more terrible about myself, I just sit there, nod my head, act like I get it, and then say thank you. I feel so inferior in that class. Failing? It sucks, it makes me feel absolutly nil, like I cant accomplish anything, like Im the worst at EVERYTHING, it even takes a toll on my dancing. Which is the worst, because I dance to escape everything else, I dance to just focus on something other than reality. I never wanted to the two world to collide...dancing vs. reality. Failing? It makes me quiver and shake with embarassment and shame. Failing? It makes me cry and rethink all actions, and it causes regret. Failing stirs up everything you did prior to that moment and then makes you second guess. I hate it. Failing...it doesnt make a bad person, it justs makes me feel bad.