It's the little things....
So...we're out today, windowshopping, pricing stuff for what we planned to buy for the kids tomorrow....and as I was walking through Target, I saw it. This beautiful little chest, sorta like a treasure chest that a pirate would use. Made to look like it's cut from bamboo. And that was when we knew we'd found the perfect place for Abby. See, we've been looking since she came home to us, wanting the perfect box to hold her in and keep her safe.
Today was finally the day.
I filled it with some champagne coloured glass stones...something to fill the rest of it, because I didn't want this big empty box. There's still room for maybe a little bear...although I kinda think I might slip a photo of of the family inside with Abby. So she's not alone.
I have Tara's Guardian Angel bear (Castiel) and my Dean Dog watching over her....but I just want her to be part of the family too. So yeah....a photo might be a way to do that, I think.
To this day, only two people have seen the photos of Abby. Me and my friend Kylie, who said she felt honoured that I would share them with her. I'd love to share them with the world....but how do you show those photos to people?
And it hurts. It honestly hurts like hell to know I have this beautiful, tiny little baby that I can't show the world.
"There is no forgetting. There's no making it better. Because it is right here... Forever. You wouldn't understand. And I could never make you understand. So I am sorry. "
Those words Dean spoke are so true....how do you ever get over the loss of a child?
Today it's been hitting home I guess. Abby was due in early to mid March......and it feels right to have built her the home she needed. But it's the little things I'm missing. Knowing I'll never hold her. Not unless I start acting like Hilary Swank in PS I Love You. And trust me...I've done that already.
I no longer have to worry about flying to Melbourne with Abby...although I will be taking her photos with me to show my sisters and my mother. I know they'll want to see Abby. But that's hardly the same. All the plans I was making for how I would travel with her...making sure I have everything covered...all ended up being redundant.
I saw a baby today, while I was buying the stones for Abby...and he was tiny, barely a few weeks old. It hit me again. Why me? Why did we lose our child? Why can't we be one of the people I keep seeing with a new baby in a shopping trolley?
I have to admit, as much as I understand...and I do, I truly do....it hurts that Phill won't look at Abby's photos. I know why. It hurts him too much to. He's trying to be strong and stoic for me, locking the pain away inside. But to be honest? I would rather have him looking at Abby with me and crying....because it feels like I'm grieving alone for this tiny life I lost. I just wish people could see her....
I just wish there was more to share with the world...
I love you, Abigail. I'll always love you, baby girl. Forever.
