(no subject)
i feel like a new born.
i feel like im finally taking my first steps.
yet....i feel like im doing it as an orphan.
pretty much alone.
there arent that many changes coming into my life.
but those that are...are pretty HUGE.
my parents divorcing after 28 years of marriage.
wow. hi? umm.....i have no fucking clue what to say about that really i dont.
i wish i did, so i could get on the process of dealing with it.
but im fucking speechless.
mindless.
i tend to forget about it, because i dont live w/ them anymore.
but i know when i go to visit it will be different.
but more so than that.
I know my mom and dads lives are going to be different.
My mom......i cant imagine her not w/ my dad even if they didnt have the best relationship.
and My dad....theres no way in hell he can survive w/o my mom.
he'll learn that, and i hope hope hope hope to god my mom wont ever take him back after this.
they put the house up on market last week.
the house I lived in for fucking 18 years.
the only house ive ever had.
next time I go to visit.
it wont be there.
some other family will be living there.
thats so mind boggling.
also...
school.
I'm going to FIDM.
I hear good things and bad things about it.
I hear you also need a B.A. to make it afterwards.
I hear you don't if you network correctly.
I hear the people are snobby.
I hear everyone is fake.
I hear there are nice people there.
I hear its a realllly hard school.
I hear its crap after you graduate, you may never get a good job.
I hear you can become successful.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE
i'm investing $20,000 to this.
and here I am unsure.
I know this is what i want to do w/ my life.
but i'm unsure of the school will take me to the places i need to get.
and growing up.
i dont really like it.
i really miss being little, and not being so afraid of everything.
not caring what other people thought about me.
not feeling fatter than the girl next to me.
not feeling ugly.
i loved waking up and watching cartoons.
i loved going to feed ducks w/ my gma.
i loved swimming (god, i loved swimming, its all i would do every summer)
i miss not having to work on myself.
not having to make myself better constantly.
a better person.
a better daughter.
a better girlfriend.
a better friend.
its so overwhelming.
and i know, no one is really asking me to any of these, except me.
but I cant help it.
I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not skinny enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not talented enough.
and its not that I dont believe in myself, because I do.
I've accomplished things that I'm very proud of.
but, its never enough.
yeah....goes w/ the flow doesnt.
when will it be enough for me?
when can i relax?
I DONT KNOW HOW!
my mind is always planning, always wondering, always worrying, always figuring out the next move.
and it seems to be getting worse as I get older.
it needs to stop.
i cant allow myself do that anymore.
its become a big habit.
and its time for me to quit this habit.
people dont know this.
or maybe they do, but we dont discuss it.
but I feel so alone.
I know I have a boyfriend who I see almost everyday.
I know I have friends out here.
but...i need more titus's (my kitty) in my life.
but human titus's.
hah.
i just imagined my cat as a human.
now i'm scared.
i just want friendship to come easy.
with no drama.
no jealousy.
no negative side effects.
i want the best for them, and vice versa.
so yeah basically.
i'm unbalanced.
mentally, physically and emotionally.
not so much spiritually.
i want balance.
and it brings me back me physically having no balance.
i wonder if that plays into my mentally/emotionally not having any.
doctors told my parents "I'd never be a ballarina" (i didnt learn to walk till I was 3ish, cuz of balance issues)
i want to turn that around.
i hear stories about doctors saying so and so will never be this, and they become that and the #1 person at that.
i'm not saying I want to become a prima ballarina...
or maybe I am.
i just want to connect the dots and form a nice balanced line.
i feel like im finally taking my first steps.
yet....i feel like im doing it as an orphan.
pretty much alone.
there arent that many changes coming into my life.
but those that are...are pretty HUGE.
my parents divorcing after 28 years of marriage.
wow. hi? umm.....i have no fucking clue what to say about that really i dont.
i wish i did, so i could get on the process of dealing with it.
but im fucking speechless.
mindless.
i tend to forget about it, because i dont live w/ them anymore.
but i know when i go to visit it will be different.
but more so than that.
I know my mom and dads lives are going to be different.
My mom......i cant imagine her not w/ my dad even if they didnt have the best relationship.
and My dad....theres no way in hell he can survive w/o my mom.
he'll learn that, and i hope hope hope hope to god my mom wont ever take him back after this.
they put the house up on market last week.
the house I lived in for fucking 18 years.
the only house ive ever had.
next time I go to visit.
it wont be there.
some other family will be living there.
thats so mind boggling.
also...
school.
I'm going to FIDM.
I hear good things and bad things about it.
I hear you also need a B.A. to make it afterwards.
I hear you don't if you network correctly.
I hear the people are snobby.
I hear everyone is fake.
I hear there are nice people there.
I hear its a realllly hard school.
I hear its crap after you graduate, you may never get a good job.
I hear you can become successful.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE
i'm investing $20,000 to this.
and here I am unsure.
I know this is what i want to do w/ my life.
but i'm unsure of the school will take me to the places i need to get.
and growing up.
i dont really like it.
i really miss being little, and not being so afraid of everything.
not caring what other people thought about me.
not feeling fatter than the girl next to me.
not feeling ugly.
i loved waking up and watching cartoons.
i loved going to feed ducks w/ my gma.
i loved swimming (god, i loved swimming, its all i would do every summer)
i miss not having to work on myself.
not having to make myself better constantly.
a better person.
a better daughter.
a better girlfriend.
a better friend.
its so overwhelming.
and i know, no one is really asking me to any of these, except me.
but I cant help it.
I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not skinny enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not talented enough.
and its not that I dont believe in myself, because I do.
I've accomplished things that I'm very proud of.
but, its never enough.
yeah....goes w/ the flow doesnt.
when will it be enough for me?
when can i relax?
I DONT KNOW HOW!
my mind is always planning, always wondering, always worrying, always figuring out the next move.
and it seems to be getting worse as I get older.
it needs to stop.
i cant allow myself do that anymore.
its become a big habit.
and its time for me to quit this habit.
people dont know this.
or maybe they do, but we dont discuss it.
but I feel so alone.
I know I have a boyfriend who I see almost everyday.
I know I have friends out here.
but...i need more titus's (my kitty) in my life.
but human titus's.
hah.
i just imagined my cat as a human.
now i'm scared.
i just want friendship to come easy.
with no drama.
no jealousy.
no negative side effects.
i want the best for them, and vice versa.
so yeah basically.
i'm unbalanced.
mentally, physically and emotionally.
not so much spiritually.
i want balance.
and it brings me back me physically having no balance.
i wonder if that plays into my mentally/emotionally not having any.
doctors told my parents "I'd never be a ballarina" (i didnt learn to walk till I was 3ish, cuz of balance issues)
i want to turn that around.
i hear stories about doctors saying so and so will never be this, and they become that and the #1 person at that.
i'm not saying I want to become a prima ballarina...
or maybe I am.
i just want to connect the dots and form a nice balanced line.