Uchihas' Cunning Plans
Title: Uchihas' Cunning Plans
Fandom: Naruto
Summary: Akatsuki and Sound are at war...
Rating: R
Genre: Crack
Pairing:
Disclaimer: Naruto = not mine
Kabuto barked instructions at the Sound nins he was leading, trying to stop the bombs from making a racket in vain. Orochimaru sat at his desk, holding his head in his hands as he attempted to concentrate on the laptop in front of him.
“Orochimaru! I have a plan!” Came the voice of Uchiha Sasuke from the front lines.
“Orochimaru-sama, he has a plan...” Echoed Kabuto.
“Really, Sasuke-kun? Is it a cunning plan?” Orochimaru asked, perking up from his seat and looking at the back of the young man.
“Is it a cunning plan?” Kabuto repeated, earning a small glare from Orochimaru for the unnecessary parroting.
“Yes! A very cunning plan!”
“He said it’s a very cunning plan...” Kabuto hissed to Orochimaru.
“As cunning as a fox that’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?” Orochimaru replied to his student as they indulged in a familiar routine from the television show Kabuto had been forced to watch with them night after night. That Goddamned Blackadder crap.
“Yes Orochimaru. My plan is...” Sasuke paused, turning around dramatically to reveal the Hitler-like facial hair he had grown, “...to disguise ourselves with these fantastic moustaches and let them come in. They think they have the wrong village and leave!” Orochimaru blinked and let his head fall to the desk.
“Kabuto...make sure he shaves that off...Please.” The sannin requested weakly.
***
“Everyone, I have a cunning plan!” Itachi announced as Deidara manically bombed the Sound Village. The other Akatsuki members looked up with interest at the statement.
“What is it, Itachi-san?” Kisame asked wearily, knowing that he shouldn’t indulge the elder Uchiha’s Blackadder obsession.
“Well, we all know Orochimaru’s gayer than his make-up...”
“Like you, un.” Deidara commented offhandedly as he sent more bombs flying. Itachi glared at the blond and continued.
“If Hidan goes in there with boxers on, you know the man will probably pass out from blood loss. That’s all we need to do.” Itachi stated simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Hidan started twitching at the suggestion.
“No. Frickin’. WAY am I doing that. It is fucking freezing!” Hidan replied, voice rising in anger.
“But, we need a successful plan.” Itachi argued.
“Every time we have a group mission YOU insist that I end up in boxers, you cocksmoking bitch!” Hidan accused, hands reaching for his scythe.
“And everytime you do, we succeed, God-boy!” Hidan swung for Itachi, which was futile because Itachi was so much faster than him and dodged it easily.
“You know, Hidan, it would probably be a good idea, yeah? I’m running out of explosives anyway...” Deidara inputted as a particularly large explosion occurred. Hidan glared at the artist, and then looked at the rest of the group, who were rather enthusiastically agreeing.
“You are so going to hell for this, all of you assholes. You hear me?” He growled as he made his way into the Village. The other members sighed as they watched him leave, still fully clothed.
***
Orochimaru had managed to resume his reading as the bombing stopped rather suddenly. He’d only looked up when both Sasuke and Kabuto had fallen onto the floor in a dead faint. In front of him stood Hidan. In deep green silk boxers and nothing else. Orochimaru knew vaguely of this Akatsuki member, as they had joined after his defection. He blinked and distractedly moved the mouse around the screen.
“May I ask why you’re standing here in your boxers?” He asked smoothly, seemingly unfazed by the sudden appearance of the nukenin.
“...THOSE BASTARDS!” Hidan cursed at the top of his lungs, “THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TOLD ME YOU WERE GAYER THAN YOUR MAKE-UP!” Orochimaru watched the man with mild amusement.
“That may be true, but I’m afraid you have nothing to offer me.” He replied to the irate Akatsuki. Hidan stopped promising one thousand types of torture and death to his fellow members and faltered, stuttering in mid-sentence.
“WHAAAAAT?!” Came another shriek as Itachi joined the scene with a video camera in hand, obviously having spied on the entire thing. “How - how can you not get off at him?! He’s perfect!” Both Orochimaru and Hidan turned to the Uchiha, disturbed looks on their faces at his sudden outburst.
“WHOA, Orochimaru-sama! I didn’t know you could draw like that!” Deidara suddenly added, looking at the computer from behind Orochimaru. Orochimaru turned around, his cheeks flushing red.
“Well...it’s a hobby...” He admitted. The other Akatsuki members crowded around the back of Orochimaru, vying for a look at the drawing.
“Wow, I didn’t know my little brother was that flexible...” Itachi commented casually.
“Nor did I know that Kabuto was so...kinky...I always had him pictured as a prude, yeah? Because of the glasses...” Deidara added as Sasuke and Kabuto started to come around, managing to catch a glimpse of the drawing and passing out once again, in unison.
Fandom: Naruto
Summary: Akatsuki and Sound are at war...
Rating: R
Genre: Crack
Pairing:
Disclaimer: Naruto = not mine
Kabuto barked instructions at the Sound nins he was leading, trying to stop the bombs from making a racket in vain. Orochimaru sat at his desk, holding his head in his hands as he attempted to concentrate on the laptop in front of him.
“Orochimaru! I have a plan!” Came the voice of Uchiha Sasuke from the front lines.
“Orochimaru-sama, he has a plan...” Echoed Kabuto.
“Really, Sasuke-kun? Is it a cunning plan?” Orochimaru asked, perking up from his seat and looking at the back of the young man.
“Is it a cunning plan?” Kabuto repeated, earning a small glare from Orochimaru for the unnecessary parroting.
“Yes! A very cunning plan!”
“He said it’s a very cunning plan...” Kabuto hissed to Orochimaru.
“As cunning as a fox that’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?” Orochimaru replied to his student as they indulged in a familiar routine from the television show Kabuto had been forced to watch with them night after night. That Goddamned Blackadder crap.
“Yes Orochimaru. My plan is...” Sasuke paused, turning around dramatically to reveal the Hitler-like facial hair he had grown, “...to disguise ourselves with these fantastic moustaches and let them come in. They think they have the wrong village and leave!” Orochimaru blinked and let his head fall to the desk.
“Kabuto...make sure he shaves that off...Please.” The sannin requested weakly.
***
“Everyone, I have a cunning plan!” Itachi announced as Deidara manically bombed the Sound Village. The other Akatsuki members looked up with interest at the statement.
“What is it, Itachi-san?” Kisame asked wearily, knowing that he shouldn’t indulge the elder Uchiha’s Blackadder obsession.
“Well, we all know Orochimaru’s gayer than his make-up...”
“Like you, un.” Deidara commented offhandedly as he sent more bombs flying. Itachi glared at the blond and continued.
“If Hidan goes in there with boxers on, you know the man will probably pass out from blood loss. That’s all we need to do.” Itachi stated simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Hidan started twitching at the suggestion.
“No. Frickin’. WAY am I doing that. It is fucking freezing!” Hidan replied, voice rising in anger.
“But, we need a successful plan.” Itachi argued.
“Every time we have a group mission YOU insist that I end up in boxers, you cocksmoking bitch!” Hidan accused, hands reaching for his scythe.
“And everytime you do, we succeed, God-boy!” Hidan swung for Itachi, which was futile because Itachi was so much faster than him and dodged it easily.
“You know, Hidan, it would probably be a good idea, yeah? I’m running out of explosives anyway...” Deidara inputted as a particularly large explosion occurred. Hidan glared at the artist, and then looked at the rest of the group, who were rather enthusiastically agreeing.
“You are so going to hell for this, all of you assholes. You hear me?” He growled as he made his way into the Village. The other members sighed as they watched him leave, still fully clothed.
***
Orochimaru had managed to resume his reading as the bombing stopped rather suddenly. He’d only looked up when both Sasuke and Kabuto had fallen onto the floor in a dead faint. In front of him stood Hidan. In deep green silk boxers and nothing else. Orochimaru knew vaguely of this Akatsuki member, as they had joined after his defection. He blinked and distractedly moved the mouse around the screen.
“May I ask why you’re standing here in your boxers?” He asked smoothly, seemingly unfazed by the sudden appearance of the nukenin.
“...THOSE BASTARDS!” Hidan cursed at the top of his lungs, “THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TOLD ME YOU WERE GAYER THAN YOUR MAKE-UP!” Orochimaru watched the man with mild amusement.
“That may be true, but I’m afraid you have nothing to offer me.” He replied to the irate Akatsuki. Hidan stopped promising one thousand types of torture and death to his fellow members and faltered, stuttering in mid-sentence.
“WHAAAAAT?!” Came another shriek as Itachi joined the scene with a video camera in hand, obviously having spied on the entire thing. “How - how can you not get off at him?! He’s perfect!” Both Orochimaru and Hidan turned to the Uchiha, disturbed looks on their faces at his sudden outburst.
“WHOA, Orochimaru-sama! I didn’t know you could draw like that!” Deidara suddenly added, looking at the computer from behind Orochimaru. Orochimaru turned around, his cheeks flushing red.
“Well...it’s a hobby...” He admitted. The other Akatsuki members crowded around the back of Orochimaru, vying for a look at the drawing.
“Wow, I didn’t know my little brother was that flexible...” Itachi commented casually.
“Nor did I know that Kabuto was so...kinky...I always had him pictured as a prude, yeah? Because of the glasses...” Deidara added as Sasuke and Kabuto started to come around, managing to catch a glimpse of the drawing and passing out once again, in unison.