so much for being positive...
so I'm not so sure that this whole being positive thing is working for me... I feel like I'm making excuses for why I shouldn't be upset about things, or why I shouldn't care about the shitty things going on in my life... and it's gotten to the point that someone asked me a simple question and I started to cry... I need to find a happy medium somewhere.. I don't want to be super depressed all the time, and I don't want to pretend to be okay with everything and then crash all at once.. I don't know..
so Melissa and Timmy came down to see me the other night. It was great! We went to the "Church Bar" with Jodi and Clem. It was interesting.. It wasn't as sketchy as I was expecting it to me. I actually enjoyed myself a lot. But I would enjoy myself anywhere as long as I'm with my friends. I miss all my Bridgewater friends. It's hard being so far away from everyone... Everyone lives more south shore, and then there is me who lives in NH...
I've been trying to convince myself that I'm okay with the way things are going in my life.. People that I thought cared about me, that I thought were my friends... have no need to have me in their life anymore... People that I thought were nice, caring, genuine... but just because there is no chance of them running into me anytime in the near future (unless plans are made), they don't talk to me at all... don't return phone calls/text messages, don't answer IMs/e-mails.. it just sucks... these people I considered my friends, but apparently I am wrong... I know it takes a lot to be my friend, with me being bipolar and all, but don't pretend to be my friend if you really don't want to be... I can handle it.. (PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, BECAUSE CHANCES ARE IT'S NOT YOU... but if you ask, I'll tell you) It just hurts, you know.. to think someone cares about you, but then you find out they were only "friends" with you out of convience or obligation.. It's the lying and the pretending that upsets me, not the rejection of friendship... It's thinking someone cares, letting myself trust them, letting myself care for them... and having them just stop with no warning, no explanation... that's what hurts...