you're slipping away
the love i never thought would die is slipping away... the love that inspired me, that i thought was so perfect.
my mama and her lover, someone she married only last summer, are most likely going their seperate ways without one another.. onto a life where they live their own lives, where there is no more intimacy, no secrets, no sweetness. they are soulmates - but only temporary ones, as i've come to see. and that has true beauty, true importance and sacredness.. even though it doesn't last the length of this lifetime. and it was so short.. it feels like forever that her lover has been in our lives as part of our family, but it has only been 2 years.. such a very small amount of time.
there is so much that goes into why she has decided to leave him.. although she hasn't officially made that choice yet, i know it is on the horizon. it mainly has to do with an ex-lover who recently came into her life... someone who was actually very loving with her, who she's never forgotten. to him, she was his one true soulmate, and he has been looking for her for years. when we thought it was her ex-husband who was abusive searching for her, it was actually this ex-lover of hers doing the searching. he finally found her through a private investigator, and they began talking. i think she's fallen for him. he's coming up this weekend to see her in person for the first time in 30 years, and i am almost sure they are going to love each other.
her lover is heartbroken.. he called me yesterday and cried. i tried to be very loving and gentle with him, while being honest about what i thought of the situation, but i know that it was painful for him to hear the truth. i was shaken after i talked to him.. this has been hard for me.. there are some mornings where i cry because i've learned to truly love this person, my step-father, and he is someone i feel very loyal to, just as much as anyone else in my family. and now it seems, our relationship will be changing as well because of the deteriorating relationship he has with my mama.
when my mama first told me about all of this... about her ex-lover contacting her and shaking up her world and perspective, i was a bit angry and afraid. how could she dare to leave someone so sweet and gentle.. someone she only recently married? someone she called her soulmate, who seemed so perfect for her? and how could she fall so easily for someone she hasn't even seen in person in 30 years, just because he was someone who once was her lover and treated her with kindness and love? i thought, 'here we go again with my mama and her many sides'.... but i gave it openness, and tried my very best to be non-judgemental. and this time i have to say, after listening and watching and thinking and feeling.. that this time is different from all of those other times, where my mama would bounce from one relationship to another. her ex-lover sounds wonderful.. for myself, i must see it to believe it, but from how he sounds, i would say he sounds perfect for her.. they have so many shared interests, he's someone who is very spiritual like her and our family.. that is something her and her lover never shared. they don't have much in common, and her lover doesn't believe in the spiritual things she does. and that is very important to her.. it has finally become between them. and this ex-lover of hers is so like her.
supposedly he has lots of money.. he has made a very good living in his life. he has promised her everything in the world because he loves her and believes she is the one.. he says that she shows up in his astrology chart. he says he doesn't want to destroy her marriage, but that he always wants to be in her life.. even just as a friend if that's what she chooses. but i know that he truly wants to be with her romantically.. i believe he is pure to an extent..... and there are so many promises.. promises of trips to hawaii, of trust funds for my sister and i (of which he said he set up recently?), promises of houses and property, and lots of unconditional love. again.. i must see it and observe it for myself to believe it. i am not a 'have to see it to believe it' kind of girl, but with promises like these.. i most definitely am. and with people in general.. i need my intuition to feel them and their energy out before i can make my opinion on them. i have learned to be careful in my life - cautious, ready to be decisive for myself. i'm very protective of myself and my family.. i won't easily let just anyone in. i'm a very open person, someone who loves easily, but i must see how you are first.. you must show me who you are before i trust you.
i have had to detatch myself immensely from the situation.. and that has been a little hard. my mama seems to talk about it a lot.. i think it's become the main focus of her life now. and i can understand why.. her life is truly changing majorly right before her very eyes. and she never thought it would like this.. but i feel her lover's pain. i don't know what it is i can do for him.. to help him to feel peace. i understand this is his lesson, his experience.. that they planned this together on the other side before they came here. he agreed to have his heart broken so that it could be an opportunity of awakening.. i understand those things, and they bring me relief, but i know that he does not have that understanding.. that he is not open to that knowledge yet. and i know he's hurting, and it makes me sad. so i must stand back. anytime that he needs to talk to someone, i'm there with love and support for him, but i cannot take this pain and experience on. this is their karma to work out with each other..
so everything has greatly changed. and i feel... like i'm flowing with it. like i'm at peace with it and will allow it to be without discomfort or worry.
at least with me, and my lover and child and circumstance, i feel so happy and loved, and for that, i am greatly greatly appreciative and joyful <3