A study of closeness
According to today's Times, a 1997 study by Arthur Aron (a New York psychologist) devised these 36 questions to test people's interpersonal closeness (i.e. determine your and another person's romantic suitability). While I'm clearly not using them for this purpose below (hence why three questions have been omitted, as they are irrelevant without another person to ask), I thought they'd be fun to answer anyway. I'm increasingly coming round to the idea of maintaining a diary for posterity so that when I am an old woman my grandchildren will not think that I was always old and boring. I kept paper diaries regularly from 1997 to 2005 before basically transferring to LJ. I haven't written as much since being married, since being happy tends to curtail the amount one writes. However, one of my "new year's resolutions" (if you will) is to revive my diary-writing purely as a record for future generations. I'm particularly struck by an old story I read once whereby a teacher asked her students to raise their hands if they knew something about their parents (of course all hands went up) followed by their grandparents (eliciting fewer, but still a reasonable number, of hands up), followed finally by their great-grandparents (seeing practically no hands raised). The notion that our lives, and the idea of us as real people, rather than just old photographs and names on family trees, can be completely forgotten in three generations, for no real reason, is disquieting. Hopefully my answers to said questions, and the aforementioned conscious effort to write more diary entries, will help to give my descendants some idea of what I was/am like (even though by then Livejournal will be a quaint relic of the past, probably).
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
A dear friend of mine who I do not see often. I am lucky enough to be able to dine frequently with my husband, parents and sister. The question does not, after all, specify whether the scenario relates to a one-off occasion or to a "every night for the rest of your life" kind of situation.
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Yes, for writing. So people know your name, and you are rewarded financially for your talent and effort, but don't get mobbed just for walking down the street.
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?
Yes, sometimes, especially for routine things. I am not very good at telephone conversations. Clamming up is a frequent hazard and I hate going away from a conversation (telephonic or otherwise) kicking myself for not having been assertive enough or not saying what I wanted/needed to.
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Sleeping in (preferably in a Sofitel-style bed, which remains the comfiest ever). Breakfast in bed. Amazing sex. A bath. Exercise of some kind (perhaps swimming or dancing), to work off all the yummy food that would surely be involved in a perfect day. Weather: cold and sunny. Warm and comfortable yet fashionable clothes, to prepare for a walk in said weather. Laughing until my face hurts. Going to a concert or play. Shopping. Afternoon tea (yes, I intend to eat basically all day). Having one meal cooked by my mother and another at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Champagne, chocolate and decent coffee would all have to be involved somewhere along the line. Another walk, this time under the stars (so all of this would have to take place in or near a place with little light pollution if you want to do it properly). Staying out late to fit this all in. Would somebody kindly invent alcohol that won't make me as drunk as a skunk after all this, please? Wonderful friends and family to share this all with.
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
I regularly sing to myself in the shower or when just pottering around the flat in the evenings waiting for JM to come back from work. Singing to others is quite a different matter. I used to sing in concerts regularly (both as a soloist and as a choir member) but that all stopped when I moved to France, as the few choirs that do exist here either don't have rehearsals at convenient times or require a higher level of sight-reading than I possess. In terms of singing directly to one sole individual, this is something that I very rarely do. It's a very powerful experience that leaves you feeling very exposed. It's therefore not necessarily unpleasant but requires significant trust.
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or mind of a 30-year-old for the final 60 years of your life, which would you choose and why?
For me, this one's a no-brainer. The media, fashion and beauty industries have all significantly warped our perceptions of what it is to age and what it is to be beautiful, and do not suitably prize intellect, compassion or humour, instead wanting us to aspire to be vapid shells that are Botoxed to the eyeballs. I would certainly prefer to have the mental lucidity of a thirty-year-old when still in my 90s, rather than losing my mind to conditions like Alzheimer's but still being able to fit into size 10 jeans and have skin that's plump with plentiful collagen. Where's the sense in that?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
It wouldn't surprise me if I died as a result of being led astray by an unscrupulous taxi driver or ostensibly kindly stranger looking to 'help' me as I have a low sense of danger and tend to be overly trusting. However, I'm not sure that this amounts to a secret hunch. Last week's attacks in Paris and the recent bin lorry tragedy in Glasgow just go to show how easily you can be going about your normal daily business one minute, and yet gone the next.
8. Name three things that you and your partner appear to have in common.
We were both bullied badly at school. Such experiences change you fundamentally and it's perhaps unsurprising that you'd be attracted to someone who mirrored these resultant personality traits and shared these experiences.
We also have similar artistic sensibilities, with our tastes in music and literature in particular resembling one another.
Finally, we share an instinct towards travel, which equally contributes to our twin senses of openmindedness, global citizenship and multilingualism.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
My loving family. I know that no matter what happens in my life, because of them, I will never be alone. So many people in the world are terribly lonely and/or have had awful childhoods. None of that applies to me.
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
As mentioned above, my childhood was not awful in the least. But if I could change one thing, it would be the lack of respect and acceptance I received from my parents in my teens. I don't think I was the kind of teenager they were expecting to have to deal with, and their reactions to my behaviour frequently made things worse, not better. I'm not a parent yet, but I'd aim to go forward doing things differently. I already know that my mother would do things differently with Teenage Me if she could do them again, as she has told me this, and since none of us are perfect, it's the best I could hope for. Long-term, it hasn't stopped us from being close.
11. Take four minutes and tell your life story in as much detail as possible.
START: 21:56. I was born into a loving family (2 parents, one sister) and was always encouraged to be independent, to reach for the top, to have a sense of fun, and to be myself. Was rejected (academically in particular) and bullied (by my peers) a lot, but it only made me stronger. I was also lucky enough to be given tons of opportunities to enrich myself and travel the world. I learned that I often had to do things alone if I wanted to do them, otherwise I probably wouldn't get to. This improved slightly once I began attending Exeter and Oxford Universities and began to meet more likeminded people, although I did also learn that you'll meet immature and anti-social people wherever you go. After graduating I moved to France and found my true calling - teaching English. Despite previous aspirations to be a journalist, I don't think I would have enjoyed it (it would have been too shallow and unreliable for me). Besides, I still get to use my subject and talents this way and even get to indulge it in some blogging and translation on the side. I met my husband when aged just 18 and married him 7 years later. This year we celebrate our tenth anniversary. No children yet, but hope to have some. In future we also hope to live in other countries, and become truly global citizens. END: 22.00
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any quality or ability, what would it be?
Upon first viewing of this question I was tempted to give a music-related answer. (How joyful would it be to be able to play the piano beautifully all of a sudden?) However, there's always a chance (time and space permitting) that I'll be able to achieve musical prowess by myself with sufficient resources and practice. I'd therefore choose to wake up with perfect skin, which smacks of cognitive dissonance given my answer to question 6, but which I would still choose because my efforts to improve it ever since the age of 10 have been futile. There's a chance I could ameliorate my musical abilities, but I don't think I'll ever be able to improve this.
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
That's a really difficult one. If some horrible truth were revealed, chances are we'd go out of our way to alter the courses of our lives so that this would not be fulfilled. Therefore, 'knowing' the 'truth' about, for example, our deaths, would perhaps not be productive. Equally, knowing the 'truth' based on a person (e.g. one person's true feelings about another) would seem to be equally useless to me as I'd be unlikely to believe it without hearing it directly from the person themselves. So I suppose, in short, I wouldn't want to know anything.
14. Is there something you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
I've longed to be able to play the piano from a young age, but my parents never encouraged this ambition. As I grew up, I was able/permitted to pour my passions into other pursuits, such as dance, singing, reading groups, community service, and the theatre, which I suppose served as distractions to a degree. When I moved to France initially, I had other priorities. At my wedding, people were kind enough to contribute to the costs of a piano and some lessons, but sadly, at present we lack the space (living at the top of a spiral staircase with no elevator also presents its own difficulties). The money is still there, and the hope is that when we someday move and have more space, I'll be able to pursue this.
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
Attending Oxford University.
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
Reliability, communication, intelligence, a good sense of humour, a listening ear/shoulder to cry on, some common interests, some differences, and the ability to introduce each other to new things.
17. What is your most treasured memory?
There are really so many, but suppose I'd be in trouble if I didn't say getting married, wouldn't I?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
Funerals. Say no more. Perhaps the worst was that of my friend Olivia, who died aged just 23. At least my two grandfathers at least had the chance to have long lives.
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
I'd probably stop working, and use the time to travel and spend time with friends and family. Reasons, hopefully, are obvious.
20. What does friendship mean to you?
The preciousness of the diversity of shared experiences cannot be underestimated. You also go back such a long way with so many of these people that they really can be the family you have chosen for yourself. It is, in short, indispensable, with quality being more important than quantity.
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
I'd be lost without these. I'm a firm subscriber to the view that there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.
22. Share five positive characteristics of your partner.
He's intelligent, witty, gorgeous, serious and caring.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel that your childhood was happier than most people's?
Very, and yes. Even though I now live abroad I try to see and communicate with them regularly. Even though they can be annoying, they make me laugh until my face hurts and the strength of their love is overwhelming to me. Wouldn't change anything about them for the world. Equally, I'm enormously grateful for the childhood I had: not just for what was provided materially but also for the happiness, resilience and safety my parents created for me and my sister while we grew up.
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
It's not always been perfect, and in some ways it's been downright turbulent (cf. question 10), at times even involving arguments the neighbours could hear. However, this in the end took up a small proportion of my life and in the end the good has outweighed the bad. We share recipes, music, stories, and more. She really is one of a kind in terms of her blend of domestic goddesstry (if that's not a word, I just invented it), relentless positivity, and childlike spirit.
25. Make three true "I" statements.
Even though the concept of truth is a slippery one...I am overly critical of others and not always terribly sympathetic towards others' problems. I am also generous, innovative and keen to learn and improve. I am also true to myself, as others will criticise me regardless of my choices, so I may as well.
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
I would say cake, but that would be silly. Plus, I believe there are some things that everybody needs to keep just for themselves (NB not just cake).
27. Share three pieces of information that you consider it is important for someone to have if they are going to be a close friend of yours.
I'm hyper-organized/impulsive and can't bear it when people dilly-dally over decision-making about relatively straightforward things.
I appreciate being told if I'm annoying you; I'm rubbish at reading between the lines, so it's better to be straight with me about these things.
I like cake.
28. Share an embarrassing moment.
Farting in front of my entire drama class (NB as a student! Not a teacher!) during an exercise where of course we were all supposed to be extremely quiet.
29. When did you last cry in front of another person? When did you last cry by yourself?
By myself? October. In front of another person? Probably also October.
30. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
I'd like to say nothing is too serious to be joked about, but it depends on how it's done. Always a difficult one to handle, especially in the light of Charlie Hebdo.
31. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
There's a dear friend of mine whom I've never told that I love. I never have because I fear losing them if I do. Our friendship is complicated to say the least.
32. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have the chance to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be and why?
My writings (counting poetry files, diaries and USB key as one item here!). Ars longa, vita brevis and all that.
33. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing?
Any of the young ones (of my generation and younger). Our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc have all had a crack at a long and decent life. Those of us in our twenties and younger (JoAnn, aged nearly three, is the youngest) are just getting started.