(no subject)
If I would have never let myself feel his touch, I would not know what it would feel like to miss it.
Each day, I want to pretend like I can move on, like it all has past and the only direction to look is in the future. I feel ready to accept, simply because I feel so lonely. Yet, each day he comes home and acts as if it never happened. Maybe he is sorry, and maybe he is battling with it every moment of everyday, but he sure hides it well. It's almost as if he is not even trying, like this relationship doesn't even matter to him.
I told myself that I would wait. Rather than breaking it off immediately, I would wait to see how he would act. If he really wanted to keep me, he would do everything in his power to do so. He would do all that was needed to make me fall in love with him again. He would show me how sorry he was rather than just saying it. He would be sensitive to me and maybe pretend like he knew how much it really hurt.
But he hasn't.
Nothing has changed except for the gap between us which is growing larger. He would tell you that he doesn't understand, "things seemed so much better yesterday. . ." What scares me is that he really does not know me. If he knew me, he would know that even though I smiled yesterday, things are not better. Because every waking moment when I was alone with only the company of my own thoughts, I was replaying all that had been said, trying to sort through the lies and the truth. I went through all the 'what ifs', the thoughts that alone would make me cry. And he thinks things are getting so much better. How can I be with someone who really does not know me?
His indifference to it all makes me so frustrated. And by the end of the nite, no matter how much I want to be warm in his arms, I just want to leave. So last nite, I did just that, I left. I didn't make it very far, because I really have no where to go and was back in less than two hours. But I just had to walk away. And he got angry at me for walking away.
Maybe this is what I needed. I was waiting to see how he would behave and know he is showing me. I feel like I don't matter to him at all. I don't know why he makes me feel this way. If he doesn't want it, then why doesn't he just leave me?
I come home tonite at 7, when I know he will be getting back from work. But now, I realize that it doesn't even matter if I am home or not. We do not even spend time together, when we don't see each other all day. For awhile, I thought the passion was gone, but now I realize that much more than the passion has been lost. He left to Jillian's with a couple guys from work.
And I question, is that where he really is?
And the answer is simple, I don't know. He could be with her. Do I want to believe otherwise? With every ounce of my heart, but I just don't know anymore. Why am I still here? Why am I writing about this? Why am I letting this hurt me? I thought I was better than this. . .
Each day, I want to pretend like I can move on, like it all has past and the only direction to look is in the future. I feel ready to accept, simply because I feel so lonely. Yet, each day he comes home and acts as if it never happened. Maybe he is sorry, and maybe he is battling with it every moment of everyday, but he sure hides it well. It's almost as if he is not even trying, like this relationship doesn't even matter to him.
I told myself that I would wait. Rather than breaking it off immediately, I would wait to see how he would act. If he really wanted to keep me, he would do everything in his power to do so. He would do all that was needed to make me fall in love with him again. He would show me how sorry he was rather than just saying it. He would be sensitive to me and maybe pretend like he knew how much it really hurt.
But he hasn't.
Nothing has changed except for the gap between us which is growing larger. He would tell you that he doesn't understand, "things seemed so much better yesterday. . ." What scares me is that he really does not know me. If he knew me, he would know that even though I smiled yesterday, things are not better. Because every waking moment when I was alone with only the company of my own thoughts, I was replaying all that had been said, trying to sort through the lies and the truth. I went through all the 'what ifs', the thoughts that alone would make me cry. And he thinks things are getting so much better. How can I be with someone who really does not know me?
His indifference to it all makes me so frustrated. And by the end of the nite, no matter how much I want to be warm in his arms, I just want to leave. So last nite, I did just that, I left. I didn't make it very far, because I really have no where to go and was back in less than two hours. But I just had to walk away. And he got angry at me for walking away.
Maybe this is what I needed. I was waiting to see how he would behave and know he is showing me. I feel like I don't matter to him at all. I don't know why he makes me feel this way. If he doesn't want it, then why doesn't he just leave me?
I come home tonite at 7, when I know he will be getting back from work. But now, I realize that it doesn't even matter if I am home or not. We do not even spend time together, when we don't see each other all day. For awhile, I thought the passion was gone, but now I realize that much more than the passion has been lost. He left to Jillian's with a couple guys from work.
And I question, is that where he really is?
And the answer is simple, I don't know. He could be with her. Do I want to believe otherwise? With every ounce of my heart, but I just don't know anymore. Why am I still here? Why am I writing about this? Why am I letting this hurt me? I thought I was better than this. . .