(no subject)
Two and a half years ago, I told myself that if I was ever lied to again, I would walk away. I told myself that I would rather be alone, than be with someone and hurting. I pick up my journals from that point in life and I hear what I say, only to realize that, although my life has changed so much from that nite, I have not changed at all. I am still here, I am still weaker than I claim to be. And I wonder, whether or not I am making the very same mistake I once made.
It was the first week of January in 2002, the pain felt like none other I had ever felt. I was unbearable and it broke me for weeks. And in some ways, I was always torn from it. I had trouble trusting, I had trouble letting someone in. Because in my mind, no matter who I let in, they would just betray me, they would make all the claims I would want to hear, only to falsify them in a single nite.
On Tuesday, I realized no matter how much I felt that moment was painful, I truly had no idea.
Just over two months ago, I started a new life. I came here to Cincinnati to launch my career at Procter & Gamble. I was adjusting to all the newness in location, lifestyle, people, company, job. But what I found myself working the most to adjust to was moving in with my boyfriend of a year. Prior to this move, we had never even lived in the same city and distance was all we ever knew. Now, we were to be living together, starting a new life together, possibly starting forever together. For a girl that never believed in love, I loved him. He is my first and only love thus far and although I jokingly shuddered at the thought of "marriage", I knew that this man could be the one. He loved me in a way that I had never experienced and when my friends heard my stories, they would be so thankful as they would feel as if I was "finally getting what I deserved." For a girl that never had faith in herself, for a girl that never thought she was beautiful, for a girl that never thought anyone was remotely attracted to her, I didn't care. Because this boy, the boy that mattered, thought she was the one he wanted to be with, for the rest of his life. He woke up each morning only to say "good morning beautiful", he protected her against any and all threats and he was amazing.
Then why did he have to do it?
The problem I now face is that I do not know what is true and what is false. I don't know who to believe, the beautiful girl in the gym who is a stranger to me, or the boy I have spend over a year with but has admitted to lying to me, for two months. I don't know and my intuition isn't telling me anything. Part of me just wants to believe him, because I don't want to believe that it could be true, but if he is telling the truth, why did he have to hide her from me? Hide talking to her on the phone with her? Seeing her at the gym? Seeing her at the bar where he worked? Talking to her at the afterparties? Taking 1.5 hour trips to Indiana to go skydiving with her? With all the facts, why should I even believe him when he tells me that he did not cheat on me?
I've never been hurt more. I've never cried so hard. I never thought this would happen. . . again.
Yet, I am still here. He is still here. And although emotional distance sits between us, I haven't asked him to leave. I don't know what to do and I feel like there is nothing I can do.
I ask, over and over again, why? What did I do to deserve this? Why is it, that when ever I let myself begin to care for someone, they go and hurt me? I have never been anything but loyal. I am honest and I treat them well, but it almost seems as if it doesn't matter. I don't even know why I try, because I'll just be torn apart.
And I just don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can be with someone that has lied to me. I don't know if I can do it to myself and I don't know if I can do it to him. Now, when he tells me stories, when he comes home late, I doubt him. I doubt everything and I wonder if he still talks to her. Of course he tells me he'll never talk to her again but he lied to me for two months without flinching, without enough guilt to tell me the truth. I thought I knew him so well, I thought I could read him, but obviously I was wrong. Maybe I've been wrong for the past year.
He tells me that he loves me and that he hates himself for risking the best thing in his life. He tells me that he was so stupid and he would never hurt me again. he says that I have every right to be angry with him and he tells me that he will do anything it takes to prove to me that he loves me.
In my journal from two years ago, I see that it is almost identical to what Rick said to me.
I look around the apartment, I look at the pictures that have captured the memories, and I know that simply the investment of time and me up till now is not enough to keep me here. I know that I would still rather be alone than to be hurt. Maybe I was just meant to be alone. Yet I am still here. I have kissed him, because I feel so alone. He is all I have here. I thought I was stronger than this.
I just feel like if I just knew that he cheated enough, that would be enough. That would be enough for me to ask him to leave. But shouldn't lying about something, day after day, be enough grounds for me to end this? I'm not being true to myself. My mother tells me that I need to be stronger and I can't let a boy hurt me like this. But it is hard. It's hard when this boy is the first person you have opened your heart to.
It was the first week of January in 2002, the pain felt like none other I had ever felt. I was unbearable and it broke me for weeks. And in some ways, I was always torn from it. I had trouble trusting, I had trouble letting someone in. Because in my mind, no matter who I let in, they would just betray me, they would make all the claims I would want to hear, only to falsify them in a single nite.
On Tuesday, I realized no matter how much I felt that moment was painful, I truly had no idea.
Just over two months ago, I started a new life. I came here to Cincinnati to launch my career at Procter & Gamble. I was adjusting to all the newness in location, lifestyle, people, company, job. But what I found myself working the most to adjust to was moving in with my boyfriend of a year. Prior to this move, we had never even lived in the same city and distance was all we ever knew. Now, we were to be living together, starting a new life together, possibly starting forever together. For a girl that never believed in love, I loved him. He is my first and only love thus far and although I jokingly shuddered at the thought of "marriage", I knew that this man could be the one. He loved me in a way that I had never experienced and when my friends heard my stories, they would be so thankful as they would feel as if I was "finally getting what I deserved." For a girl that never had faith in herself, for a girl that never thought she was beautiful, for a girl that never thought anyone was remotely attracted to her, I didn't care. Because this boy, the boy that mattered, thought she was the one he wanted to be with, for the rest of his life. He woke up each morning only to say "good morning beautiful", he protected her against any and all threats and he was amazing.
Then why did he have to do it?
The problem I now face is that I do not know what is true and what is false. I don't know who to believe, the beautiful girl in the gym who is a stranger to me, or the boy I have spend over a year with but has admitted to lying to me, for two months. I don't know and my intuition isn't telling me anything. Part of me just wants to believe him, because I don't want to believe that it could be true, but if he is telling the truth, why did he have to hide her from me? Hide talking to her on the phone with her? Seeing her at the gym? Seeing her at the bar where he worked? Talking to her at the afterparties? Taking 1.5 hour trips to Indiana to go skydiving with her? With all the facts, why should I even believe him when he tells me that he did not cheat on me?
I've never been hurt more. I've never cried so hard. I never thought this would happen. . . again.
Yet, I am still here. He is still here. And although emotional distance sits between us, I haven't asked him to leave. I don't know what to do and I feel like there is nothing I can do.
I ask, over and over again, why? What did I do to deserve this? Why is it, that when ever I let myself begin to care for someone, they go and hurt me? I have never been anything but loyal. I am honest and I treat them well, but it almost seems as if it doesn't matter. I don't even know why I try, because I'll just be torn apart.
And I just don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can be with someone that has lied to me. I don't know if I can do it to myself and I don't know if I can do it to him. Now, when he tells me stories, when he comes home late, I doubt him. I doubt everything and I wonder if he still talks to her. Of course he tells me he'll never talk to her again but he lied to me for two months without flinching, without enough guilt to tell me the truth. I thought I knew him so well, I thought I could read him, but obviously I was wrong. Maybe I've been wrong for the past year.
He tells me that he loves me and that he hates himself for risking the best thing in his life. He tells me that he was so stupid and he would never hurt me again. he says that I have every right to be angry with him and he tells me that he will do anything it takes to prove to me that he loves me.
In my journal from two years ago, I see that it is almost identical to what Rick said to me.
I look around the apartment, I look at the pictures that have captured the memories, and I know that simply the investment of time and me up till now is not enough to keep me here. I know that I would still rather be alone than to be hurt. Maybe I was just meant to be alone. Yet I am still here. I have kissed him, because I feel so alone. He is all I have here. I thought I was stronger than this.
I just feel like if I just knew that he cheated enough, that would be enough. That would be enough for me to ask him to leave. But shouldn't lying about something, day after day, be enough grounds for me to end this? I'm not being true to myself. My mother tells me that I need to be stronger and I can't let a boy hurt me like this. But it is hard. It's hard when this boy is the first person you have opened your heart to.