Unbelievable
I honestly can't believe that I'm on this thing. I really can't. Seriously. It's older than all of my animals (the journal, that is) and explicitly depicts things in my past, most of which I would like to pretend never happened. But alas, I am here and I am writing for some purpose to be disclosed at a later date. I am so hungry for an outlet to express all of my pent-up feelings and I recoil at the possibility of going to speak to someone educationally trained in the "listening for a small time frame" business. It's for a silly reason - I just don't want to pay the copay. If I am paying for something, I have a quirky habit of quantifying the value of what I just received. One of my guilty pleasures is saving $20 or more on a grocery order due to my perseverance and collection of both online and circular coupons. Yes, I'm 25 years old and I get my shits and giggles from coupons, not coach bags. But please, read on...
Anyway, my sense of logic realizes that the odds of me finding significant value in something within the first couple of visits is low, and my habit is usually dropping something that I feel costs more than what I'm receiving from it. Most people may say they respond this way, but if a trained professional or a doctor tells you to do something, you'll probably do it. I wouldn't, because "I know better". I'm a cocky ass - I may not know everything, but I know what I do know really, really well. And I know myself, and I think that's the origin of all these pent-up emotions. I know who I am, but the person who I truly am is not allowed to be expressed due to physical constraints. Physical yet invisible constraints. Physical meaning these constraints are honest-to-goodness, tangible things (bills that need to be paid by people close to me that are paid by me instead on an I.O.Y. basis, with the payback date determined by always someone other than myself), but invisible because you can't see this just by looking at me. And there is more than one individual who contributes to this situation, so even though those involved (my mother, father, Tim, etc.) are closely involved in these processes, they don't truly see outside their sphere of connection. Even if I open my mouth and try to explain it, it can't be understood. So, in conclusion, I can not stand sympathy because the very essence of the word is a sham. You can not be sympathetic to something you simply can not understand. Look up "Sympathy" on wikipedia, and in the first line of the entry you will see "closely understands his or her feelings". No one can understand these feelings but me, and it's more work to help you try to understand where I'm coming from than its worth. So this is my outlet - I come back to talk to the one person that understands me --- myself.
And tonight, my current feeling is that of an indentured servant. I have worked very hard to get to where I am. I received my Master of Public Health degree on May 21, 2008, and nearly a year later, I am the head of a free cancer screening program funded by the NYSDOH (I am the head of Putnam County) and I am also a consultant on a variety of projects for the Putnam County Department of Health. I have consistently worked with the same people since before I even graduated and worked from the bottom up, developing relationships and proving my quality of work. My colleagues and my supervisors are an attestation to who I am and the potential of who I will become. The shadow of what I was a very long time ago doesn't resonante - I can not hear the echoes of sounds past. And I don't know why, but I thank God for it. I am who I am because of who I was, but I am not now who I was. (Uhh...that one confused even me). 2 years ago, I thought making 10 dollars an hour was a good wage. This year, I will be grossing $53k before taxes (I'm too embarassed to say what I make after taxes, screw the government!). I am very proud of how far I have come in such little time, and how great my work reputation has flourished which has allowed me to open up even more doors for myself.
But in almost sitcom-like fashion, my roots have kept me grounded and have held me in a place of which I could have never predicted. I live in the house next to my parents, which is owned by my parents. I live with Tim and two other roommates who are very different individuals but very enjoyable people with negligible annoyances. Without explaining it to the point of deadly boredom, all I can say is that my moving into this house came with caveats that were neither explained to me nor expected by me in any way shape or form. My moving into this house seemed to ironically and coincidentally coincide with my parents hitting financial rock bottom, and it was evident that what I was making weekly was double what both of my parents were making weekly. This can create a dangerous opportunity if the right players are in place.
This was the beginning of the creation of "mini-loan" with borrower created terms. Like, he or she is going to fill up a cart with items and then say, I don't know if I have enough money for this. Or, he or she will get that part and when I inquire about when the part will arrive, I made aware that I actually have to order the part due to a lack of immediate funding. This is creating a dangerous situation for me, because I am not comfortable enough with my entire surrounding financial situation (the rest of which is to soon be explained) to completely pay off my credit cards monthly which I would easily be able to do on my own (I take home close to 900 a week after taxes). I prefer to have liquid cash at my disposal for the numerous possibilities of self-related emergencies and surrounding emergencies rather than enjoy little to no credit debt to my name (sans those student loans...let's please not count them for a long, long time in this conversation, shall we?... Thanks kindly). This means that things that come up unexpectedly such as "Can you put $300 on your card or ...you didn't know that the rental car company put a $250 deposit on your credit card?" may create an uncomfortable situation for me as I believe my finances are my business but if I truly did not have enough room on my card at that moment, I would have to divulge this and thus, have the unfair feeling of being embarassed that I have not controlled my finances well. Which, in the worst irony of it all, is the actual fault of the individual asking me for this favor in the first place.
And in feelings this embarassment comes my feeling of being an "indentured servant" - this long term drudgery of a vicious, financial circle must be for sins that I have either committed and forgotten or I am not yet aware of. It's much more than loaning money. It's pressure that the family will fall apart if I do not lend out a certain amount of money, and it's the pressure that I can not badger a family member or a person who is considered "family" (such as Tim's sister who borrowed $200 from me in early May and whose mother promised to pay me back herself, and nothing has been said to me from either one of these women since that promise was made) for a pay back. If I ask, I become accused of being "stingy" or I feel embarassment as if I am bringing up a topic that shames me to say. How could I feel this way? I want to say that the burden of all of these others fell onto my shoulders without my consent, but it's always from my lips that an affirmation of the loan is made - "Yes, I will loan you the money" "Yes, I can spare that". There are no consequences for me saying "no" because it's in the realm of impossibility. For, you see, so many webs of fiscal instability from others are tangled around me so tight that not supporting this relationships will crash my very own foundation that I have worked very hard to achieve.
Tim makes much less than me yearly - about $28k gross to be exact. That's almost half of what I make. And when he came into this house with me, the consequences of not saying anything have proven to be much more difficult to bear than caustic words of any nature. His second job lasted all but two weeks upon moving in, and since that moment, things have become progressively difficult to live here. Things have escalated quickly, from fronting a few hundred dollars on rent payment in February to paying his complete share of the electric bill for both February and April. He does not pay any of the cable and internet bill, and never offers. I understand he has other debts, but the amounts of these debts were never divulged to me when I asked about them over and over before moving into this house even came up. They were only divulged to me once I asked for his contribution to his required share of services used in this house. It's quite apparent that he enjoys living here - why wouldn't he be? His life is relatively simple in that he worries about his personal finances, pays the rent in full now (thankfully, he is able to pay for full 600 most of the time). He enjoys what this house gives him - it gives him a permanent address, it gives him space that is HIS - while we share it with roommates, being my boyfriend helps him enjoy a lot more free range of the house than the other two roommates. He enjoys the house and everything in it - everything where, 85% of it was purchased by me, 10% of it was purchased by my parents and 5% were gifts from other people. This is NO exaggeration - it is the complete, 100% truth. You may hear bitterness in my voice, and while I used to have said that you were mistaken, I'm starting to question my own internal integrity. It's quite possible that bitterness is one of the many emotions festering in this emotional slow cooker...
Anyway, since he has lost his second job, he has not been able to get another one. He did not start actively looking for another job until May for reasons that he can't explain to me and I am too exhausted to try to figure out anymore. He has not found anything as of yet, quite possibly because all of the teenagers took the minimum wage jobs when he should have been looking in April. But here lies another issue that I will have to elaborate on in great depth at a later date - Why do I have to tell people what to do and where to do it? Why do I have to look for jobs and find places for Tim or my mother or my father to apply to? Why do I have to then ask them for their resume and send it for them? Why do they not call places within 2 weeks to make sure they received their resume? I was responsible for finding Tim the job he has now, but I had a different gusto inside of me back then. Also, I was actively looking for a full-time position for myself, so it was easy to lump a few loss prevention positions along with my searches. I just can't understand the aspect of letting your life fall apart. Why people don't want change to that... no one said it was easy, but searching for jobs and calling them after you apply to get a hold of a person ...it escapes me as to how someone could tell me that they are actively looking for a job and they are "trying" when it is apparent that my definition of trying is apparently too difficult to attain for many of those around me.
It is now June 2nd, he was short on rent this month and he tells me that he is really depressed and sick of the way things are. He failed his physical for the Orange County Police Dept. and we have not heard back from any other police dept. or corrections departments who are hiring. I have come to terms with his failure and would prefer not to discuss it as rehashing old emotions on the issue would be unfair and unnecessary. However, I moved into this house thinking that this nightmarish cycle would reach into the later part of 2009 (at the latest). Now, it looks like I will be lucky if we are out of this situation by late 2010, and there is NO exaggeration whatsoever to this statement. Understandably, you can see why this has taken a HUGE toll on our relationship, to the point that I can barely recognize us as a couple anymore. In January, I thought of this as a definite stepping stone to solidifying our relationship for the next step. Now, I have 100% completely and emotionlessly (as if it is was as matter-of-fact as breathing) told Tim and anyone else who will listen that I have absolutely no desire of ever marrying Tim or any other man, I will never EVER change my last name and I am perfectly content with having a baby in an unwedded house hold. At the age of 25, I have proven to myself that I do not NEED anyone and not only can I support myself, but I can already support my parents and my boyfriend. I do not need a husband to help me fulfill my dreams - if anything, the thought of being more tied and locked down in this situation will inhibit my dreams from coming true. I don't really delve too deep into what will happen once these financial troubles are behind us - I'm hoping that things will get better and we will fall in love again. If we don't, I don't see the brightest future but if money is causing all this, having it should make things better, no?
I guess, in short, the best way to explain my predicament is this. I work two jobs (at least 50 hours a week) and during the spring/fall, I also attend classes 2 nights a week (which I have aced for the last year). My laptop is 5 years old, and I would really like to build a new one. My car is about 5 years old and I have really been digging the new Ford Fusion Sport. My adorable dog Marty that I rescued in March was supposed to be a joint rescue, but all of the costs of taking care of him (which are quite costly for a puppy,believe it or not) are completely incurred by me....I would love to travel to various parts of the U.S. and even Europe on my own. But because of the faults of others.... My parents' near bankruptcy (and that's an honest understatement).... Tim's massive fiscal ties to his credit cards, medical bills, car loan and student loans with a comparatively low salary which has forced me to fully furnish and support a house on my own...I can not enjoy the things that I rightfully work hard for. Just because others have helped me in the past.... I don't think that's a good enough reason for this.
In all complete honesty... I'm sick of it. But there are committments, the roommates have commitments to live here and I can't comfortably afford this house without his rent contribution (and my parents can't afford this house with me paying my contribution too), my name is on bills.... things are so sticky and convoluted, I feel like the spider has woven its web so tightly around me that the only thing left to do is to inject me with the deadly venom that will liquify my insides. I feel like I have sacrified myself for a cause of which I am not convinced. All I want is one thing.... my life back. But unfortunately, I am the indentured servant. And these shackles won't break lose until this emotional debt of which I am unaware that I owe is paid back, and until then, I will be locked into this committment. Dying to break free..
Anyway, my sense of logic realizes that the odds of me finding significant value in something within the first couple of visits is low, and my habit is usually dropping something that I feel costs more than what I'm receiving from it. Most people may say they respond this way, but if a trained professional or a doctor tells you to do something, you'll probably do it. I wouldn't, because "I know better". I'm a cocky ass - I may not know everything, but I know what I do know really, really well. And I know myself, and I think that's the origin of all these pent-up emotions. I know who I am, but the person who I truly am is not allowed to be expressed due to physical constraints. Physical yet invisible constraints. Physical meaning these constraints are honest-to-goodness, tangible things (bills that need to be paid by people close to me that are paid by me instead on an I.O.Y. basis, with the payback date determined by always someone other than myself), but invisible because you can't see this just by looking at me. And there is more than one individual who contributes to this situation, so even though those involved (my mother, father, Tim, etc.) are closely involved in these processes, they don't truly see outside their sphere of connection. Even if I open my mouth and try to explain it, it can't be understood. So, in conclusion, I can not stand sympathy because the very essence of the word is a sham. You can not be sympathetic to something you simply can not understand. Look up "Sympathy" on wikipedia, and in the first line of the entry you will see "closely understands his or her feelings". No one can understand these feelings but me, and it's more work to help you try to understand where I'm coming from than its worth. So this is my outlet - I come back to talk to the one person that understands me --- myself.
And tonight, my current feeling is that of an indentured servant. I have worked very hard to get to where I am. I received my Master of Public Health degree on May 21, 2008, and nearly a year later, I am the head of a free cancer screening program funded by the NYSDOH (I am the head of Putnam County) and I am also a consultant on a variety of projects for the Putnam County Department of Health. I have consistently worked with the same people since before I even graduated and worked from the bottom up, developing relationships and proving my quality of work. My colleagues and my supervisors are an attestation to who I am and the potential of who I will become. The shadow of what I was a very long time ago doesn't resonante - I can not hear the echoes of sounds past. And I don't know why, but I thank God for it. I am who I am because of who I was, but I am not now who I was. (Uhh...that one confused even me). 2 years ago, I thought making 10 dollars an hour was a good wage. This year, I will be grossing $53k before taxes (I'm too embarassed to say what I make after taxes, screw the government!). I am very proud of how far I have come in such little time, and how great my work reputation has flourished which has allowed me to open up even more doors for myself.
But in almost sitcom-like fashion, my roots have kept me grounded and have held me in a place of which I could have never predicted. I live in the house next to my parents, which is owned by my parents. I live with Tim and two other roommates who are very different individuals but very enjoyable people with negligible annoyances. Without explaining it to the point of deadly boredom, all I can say is that my moving into this house came with caveats that were neither explained to me nor expected by me in any way shape or form. My moving into this house seemed to ironically and coincidentally coincide with my parents hitting financial rock bottom, and it was evident that what I was making weekly was double what both of my parents were making weekly. This can create a dangerous opportunity if the right players are in place.
This was the beginning of the creation of "mini-loan" with borrower created terms. Like, he or she is going to fill up a cart with items and then say, I don't know if I have enough money for this. Or, he or she will get that part and when I inquire about when the part will arrive, I made aware that I actually have to order the part due to a lack of immediate funding. This is creating a dangerous situation for me, because I am not comfortable enough with my entire surrounding financial situation (the rest of which is to soon be explained) to completely pay off my credit cards monthly which I would easily be able to do on my own (I take home close to 900 a week after taxes). I prefer to have liquid cash at my disposal for the numerous possibilities of self-related emergencies and surrounding emergencies rather than enjoy little to no credit debt to my name (sans those student loans...let's please not count them for a long, long time in this conversation, shall we?... Thanks kindly). This means that things that come up unexpectedly such as "Can you put $300 on your card or ...you didn't know that the rental car company put a $250 deposit on your credit card?" may create an uncomfortable situation for me as I believe my finances are my business but if I truly did not have enough room on my card at that moment, I would have to divulge this and thus, have the unfair feeling of being embarassed that I have not controlled my finances well. Which, in the worst irony of it all, is the actual fault of the individual asking me for this favor in the first place.
And in feelings this embarassment comes my feeling of being an "indentured servant" - this long term drudgery of a vicious, financial circle must be for sins that I have either committed and forgotten or I am not yet aware of. It's much more than loaning money. It's pressure that the family will fall apart if I do not lend out a certain amount of money, and it's the pressure that I can not badger a family member or a person who is considered "family" (such as Tim's sister who borrowed $200 from me in early May and whose mother promised to pay me back herself, and nothing has been said to me from either one of these women since that promise was made) for a pay back. If I ask, I become accused of being "stingy" or I feel embarassment as if I am bringing up a topic that shames me to say. How could I feel this way? I want to say that the burden of all of these others fell onto my shoulders without my consent, but it's always from my lips that an affirmation of the loan is made - "Yes, I will loan you the money" "Yes, I can spare that". There are no consequences for me saying "no" because it's in the realm of impossibility. For, you see, so many webs of fiscal instability from others are tangled around me so tight that not supporting this relationships will crash my very own foundation that I have worked very hard to achieve.
Tim makes much less than me yearly - about $28k gross to be exact. That's almost half of what I make. And when he came into this house with me, the consequences of not saying anything have proven to be much more difficult to bear than caustic words of any nature. His second job lasted all but two weeks upon moving in, and since that moment, things have become progressively difficult to live here. Things have escalated quickly, from fronting a few hundred dollars on rent payment in February to paying his complete share of the electric bill for both February and April. He does not pay any of the cable and internet bill, and never offers. I understand he has other debts, but the amounts of these debts were never divulged to me when I asked about them over and over before moving into this house even came up. They were only divulged to me once I asked for his contribution to his required share of services used in this house. It's quite apparent that he enjoys living here - why wouldn't he be? His life is relatively simple in that he worries about his personal finances, pays the rent in full now (thankfully, he is able to pay for full 600 most of the time). He enjoys what this house gives him - it gives him a permanent address, it gives him space that is HIS - while we share it with roommates, being my boyfriend helps him enjoy a lot more free range of the house than the other two roommates. He enjoys the house and everything in it - everything where, 85% of it was purchased by me, 10% of it was purchased by my parents and 5% were gifts from other people. This is NO exaggeration - it is the complete, 100% truth. You may hear bitterness in my voice, and while I used to have said that you were mistaken, I'm starting to question my own internal integrity. It's quite possible that bitterness is one of the many emotions festering in this emotional slow cooker...
Anyway, since he has lost his second job, he has not been able to get another one. He did not start actively looking for another job until May for reasons that he can't explain to me and I am too exhausted to try to figure out anymore. He has not found anything as of yet, quite possibly because all of the teenagers took the minimum wage jobs when he should have been looking in April. But here lies another issue that I will have to elaborate on in great depth at a later date - Why do I have to tell people what to do and where to do it? Why do I have to look for jobs and find places for Tim or my mother or my father to apply to? Why do I have to then ask them for their resume and send it for them? Why do they not call places within 2 weeks to make sure they received their resume? I was responsible for finding Tim the job he has now, but I had a different gusto inside of me back then. Also, I was actively looking for a full-time position for myself, so it was easy to lump a few loss prevention positions along with my searches. I just can't understand the aspect of letting your life fall apart. Why people don't want change to that... no one said it was easy, but searching for jobs and calling them after you apply to get a hold of a person ...it escapes me as to how someone could tell me that they are actively looking for a job and they are "trying" when it is apparent that my definition of trying is apparently too difficult to attain for many of those around me.
It is now June 2nd, he was short on rent this month and he tells me that he is really depressed and sick of the way things are. He failed his physical for the Orange County Police Dept. and we have not heard back from any other police dept. or corrections departments who are hiring. I have come to terms with his failure and would prefer not to discuss it as rehashing old emotions on the issue would be unfair and unnecessary. However, I moved into this house thinking that this nightmarish cycle would reach into the later part of 2009 (at the latest). Now, it looks like I will be lucky if we are out of this situation by late 2010, and there is NO exaggeration whatsoever to this statement. Understandably, you can see why this has taken a HUGE toll on our relationship, to the point that I can barely recognize us as a couple anymore. In January, I thought of this as a definite stepping stone to solidifying our relationship for the next step. Now, I have 100% completely and emotionlessly (as if it is was as matter-of-fact as breathing) told Tim and anyone else who will listen that I have absolutely no desire of ever marrying Tim or any other man, I will never EVER change my last name and I am perfectly content with having a baby in an unwedded house hold. At the age of 25, I have proven to myself that I do not NEED anyone and not only can I support myself, but I can already support my parents and my boyfriend. I do not need a husband to help me fulfill my dreams - if anything, the thought of being more tied and locked down in this situation will inhibit my dreams from coming true. I don't really delve too deep into what will happen once these financial troubles are behind us - I'm hoping that things will get better and we will fall in love again. If we don't, I don't see the brightest future but if money is causing all this, having it should make things better, no?
I guess, in short, the best way to explain my predicament is this. I work two jobs (at least 50 hours a week) and during the spring/fall, I also attend classes 2 nights a week (which I have aced for the last year). My laptop is 5 years old, and I would really like to build a new one. My car is about 5 years old and I have really been digging the new Ford Fusion Sport. My adorable dog Marty that I rescued in March was supposed to be a joint rescue, but all of the costs of taking care of him (which are quite costly for a puppy,believe it or not) are completely incurred by me....I would love to travel to various parts of the U.S. and even Europe on my own. But because of the faults of others.... My parents' near bankruptcy (and that's an honest understatement).... Tim's massive fiscal ties to his credit cards, medical bills, car loan and student loans with a comparatively low salary which has forced me to fully furnish and support a house on my own...I can not enjoy the things that I rightfully work hard for. Just because others have helped me in the past.... I don't think that's a good enough reason for this.
In all complete honesty... I'm sick of it. But there are committments, the roommates have commitments to live here and I can't comfortably afford this house without his rent contribution (and my parents can't afford this house with me paying my contribution too), my name is on bills.... things are so sticky and convoluted, I feel like the spider has woven its web so tightly around me that the only thing left to do is to inject me with the deadly venom that will liquify my insides. I feel like I have sacrified myself for a cause of which I am not convinced. All I want is one thing.... my life back. But unfortunately, I am the indentured servant. And these shackles won't break lose until this emotional debt of which I am unaware that I owe is paid back, and until then, I will be locked into this committment. Dying to break free..