I think too much
Entirely too much, but it very rarily gets to me to any real conclusion. I generally just go around in circles. Something that I have thought about, a lot, is the fact that the things I say seem to mean more to me. Not saying I like to hear myself talk or that no one ever listens to me, but when I say hurtful things I know it, and I usually apologize very promptly. Most of these occasions occur and I don't talk to these people again, yet it still bothers me. Usually because they don't respond to it, and I don't blame them, but it just strikes me as odd that these people can still make me feel like absolute dirt whenever I see them. The issue that stems from that is something I just don't understand at all. Most of these people discovered my wrath because they were going through a difficult time and I was not at all sympathetic to this fact. It took some time but I eventually calmed down and thought about it and realized my mistake and apologized. Why can't my mistakes be analyzed? I feel compelled so give everyone second third and fourth chances because I continue to think about how my life would be if I were them yet these same people who beg for understanding and exceptions are very stingy when it comes to rationing it out.
It may very well be that the things that I have done are outside what these people deem to be forgivable, and if so thats a pretty low bar. And that makes me exceedingly sad since I really do want to be remembered as a nice person, and I really do want to take back all the stuff I said, and I really do just want to be able to, and yes its very hippy-ish, get along with everyone. Not saying I want to be friends with everyone, thats not the case at all. But I would like to be able to say "oh I want to go visit friend A, but wait, friend A is friends with person B and person B and I arent friends, oh well, we are still civil and able to get along" because I miss all my friends. Things just got so wierd in one summer. I dont even really know how. It all just makes me really disapointed in myself. I expect so much from myself you'd think I would get it right soon enough.
I don't know if it bothers me that people dont take time to get to know me or not. Its good and its bad. Its good because that way I dont dissapoint more people than I already do, its bad because Im easy to forget. I also worry alot about what people say about me, but I probably think about it too much and they probably dont think about me at all, but I still worry. Mainly because I know they have the wrong impression, but thats my fault.
I heard someone was coming back to Orono, and I hope he does. I've been thinking about him alot for some reason. I think it was just because of the way I left things with him. Maybe Ill IM him. Maybe not. Who knows.
Meghan
It may very well be that the things that I have done are outside what these people deem to be forgivable, and if so thats a pretty low bar. And that makes me exceedingly sad since I really do want to be remembered as a nice person, and I really do want to take back all the stuff I said, and I really do just want to be able to, and yes its very hippy-ish, get along with everyone. Not saying I want to be friends with everyone, thats not the case at all. But I would like to be able to say "oh I want to go visit friend A, but wait, friend A is friends with person B and person B and I arent friends, oh well, we are still civil and able to get along" because I miss all my friends. Things just got so wierd in one summer. I dont even really know how. It all just makes me really disapointed in myself. I expect so much from myself you'd think I would get it right soon enough.
I don't know if it bothers me that people dont take time to get to know me or not. Its good and its bad. Its good because that way I dont dissapoint more people than I already do, its bad because Im easy to forget. I also worry alot about what people say about me, but I probably think about it too much and they probably dont think about me at all, but I still worry. Mainly because I know they have the wrong impression, but thats my fault.
I heard someone was coming back to Orono, and I hope he does. I've been thinking about him alot for some reason. I think it was just because of the way I left things with him. Maybe Ill IM him. Maybe not. Who knows.
Meghan