Words, words, words (aka. That's just men)
When the breakup happened, one thing that really sticks out in my mind is something that my father said to me, “That’s just men.” It wasn’t the usual father wanting to protect his baby girl, or wanting to kill the guy who hurt her so maliciously. No, it was “That’s just men.”
That is sad and disgusting, and it has made me really pay attention to the men around me in my life. The way they talk about women, and the way they act in general. Most (if not all) are so quick to talk down women or express how they are only wanted for pleasure. And to see them turn around over and over saying one thing and then saying the opposite or saying one thing and meaning another, it hurts. I can feel myself dying with every horrible thing that is said or done to me.
It’s the most agonizing thing to have confirmed and reaffirmed that there is nothing reliable, there is nothing true, there is nothing pure out there anymore. Everything is just one big lie.
In my life so far I’ve seen:
*The Skater
*The Rockstar
*The Emo
*The Cowboy
*The Soldier
*The Playboy
*The Sweetheart
*The Control Freak
*The Shy
*The Friend
*The Too Forward
*The Deep
*The Player
*The Jerk
*The Frat
*The Flirt
*The Christian
*The Atheist
*The Feminine
*The Tough
*The Artist
*The Male Version of Myself
Of these types:
2 - I shared relationships with
3 - broke my heart
19 - lead me on
2 - abused me
2 - cheated on me
20 - lied to me
6 - lied about me
5 - guilted me
2 - manipulated me
4 - walked away
8 - pressured me
1 - threatened me
1 - stalked me
1 - hunted me
0 - have loved me
And all but 1 has only wanted one thing (and that didn’t involved caring about the girl they were taking it from) The only redeeming thing about all this is that I haven’t given that one thing away. I still hold my virginity. I know, in this day and age, that’s no great prize, but If I had given it to any of those guys that I listed, I wouldn’t be happy, and I would be living with regret.
I have been strong enough to know that it wasn’t right and that none of these guys would respect me enough to deserve to have it. Most never got that far, but it was obvious that it was the main motivation of most of them. Whether we met briefly, occasionally, often, or everyday for a year, sex was still something blatantly apparent as though each of them were wearing it as a shirt.
I have still yet to meet:
*The Protector
*The Concerned
*The Compassionate
*The Trustworthy
*The Faithful
*The Steadfast
*The Comfort
*The Conversationalist
*The Loving
sigh * I suppose that all of those men are already in wonderful relationships. But pointing this out, makes me wonder what words people would use to describe me…
*The Complicated?
*The Critical?
*The Intense?
*The Cold?
*The Closed-off?
*The Difficult?
*The Stressful?
*The Over-thinker?
-or-
*The Interesting?
*The Deep?
*The Wise?
*The Wondering?
*The …..
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. But I’ve been spending my nights dreaming about how wonderful things could be only to wake up and still be alone… just longing for my dreams to come true.