love's not enough when you say it don't you know you gotta mean it

[angel_me46327]

I wish I understood what was happening. I wish I knew why everything was happening the way that it is. I want to know why all of the sudden my friends want to be my friends again, but at the same time Michael is so pissed about one little thing. I understand that he is worried that Rod will try and take me away from him, but if he trusts me he should know that I care about him so much that I would never let that happen. Ya, ok, Rod and I have talked, and ya, I got butterflies, but I want Michael, even in all of his craziness that he is being right now. Deep down I love that man so much, I just don't know if he loves me back right now. I wish I knew, I wish he would just talk to me about it, but he isn't, and that's what's scaring me the most. I would do anything for that man, I always have, and I hate that he is being like this because it only makes me sad, and I hate when I'm sad. I wish I could have it all, I wish I could have Michael and my friends, but it seems like he's not going to let that happen. I just wish I could get drunk and forget about all of this, maybe then things would be easier. Or maybe if I wasn't pmsing and my life didn't seem like it was going to end, then maybe it would be harder for me to cry when he gets angry at me for wanting to go to a stupid dinner I don't even want to go to begin with. Why would I want to go and see Rod with Brandy? I don't understand why Michael thinks that everyone wants me back together with Rod. They don't. Rod even said it himself he doesn't want the whole getting back with an ex thing, and I get that, believe me I do. I'm going through that and it is really hard because Michael and I have so many trust issues. He won't come out and say he doesn't trust me, and that hurts me a lot. I wish that he did. I wish that he trusted me and knew that I wasn't going to do anything, but no, he doesn't. I want to talk to him about it, but I'm so afraid that he will just end everything if I do. I don't want to break up, I care too damn much, and I really don't want to be alone. I hate being alone, it makes me cry inside and it makes me feel like I'm lost in this world. I love when I have that companion, someone to sleep with every night to tell me life will be ok. Someone who accepts me for who I am. I just wish he would call, that's all I want. I want for him to call and say "baby I love you". Is that too much to ask? I don't think he will call though, and if he does, he will probably be angry with me. I don't know why I feel like he's cheating on me, I just do. Thank God I don't think I'm pregnant anymore. If I was, that might really mess everything up for us. I don't think either of us could take that kind of strain on our relationship, especially when it's as rocky as it is. I just wish he would say "I don't want to go to the bars on my birthday, I want to spend it with you," but I know he won't. He's so damn adament about it that I just don't know what the hell I'm going to do anymore. I want to spend time with him on his birthday. I want to buy him a present and show him how much I really do love him. Part of me wonders if our relationship is even worth saving, because he seems to be acting like it's so far downhill that nothing will ever change it. I just want to know. I want to know what's going on, he at least owes me that. I know he's distant, I know there's something going on, I just wish he would tell me, but last time I talked to him about that stuff he told me we were better off just being friends and that hurt more than anything else in the world. Now it's not like how it was at home, now he can just not call or not want me to come and see him. Now everything would be different. And I don't know how I could take that.

I wish life was like a retro pop song. I want you to want me. Boom. End of story.