I want to be thin.... so thin...
I want to starve.. So badly. Today I've eaten
1 piece of french toast w/ butter & powdered sugar
4 link sausages
chips & salsa
pretzels
1 banana
Too many calories. Way too many. I hate food. I wish I didn't have to eat. I wish people didn't hassle me for not eating. Sam always noticing when my stomach growls loudly. I wish I had the freedom to come onto the computer when I felt like eating. Getting help from people. I miss so much of my past life. I always do. I always miss my past. I miss being little and not having to worry about anything except my brother stealing my toys. I miss being in high school when I didn't have to work or worry about having a lot of money. Now I have to get two jobs. Hopefully one will have lots of benifits. My kind of benifits. I don't know if any of you know what that means, but that's ok! If I don't get that seasonal job, I'm going to apply at a local hotel as a room cleaner. I'm going to loose weight though. I need to. My head is telling me to. If it wasn't so cold outside I'd walk home tonight too. I like walking. I need to do it more. Eat less, walk more. And I need to start exercising more too. I don't get very much exercise.
I want to go on a fast. I wish I wasn't home with Sam so much... I can only not eat when I am gone and she doesn't realize that I havn't eaten all day. Tomorrow I can fast. Thursday I probably can't. Friday I might be able to... if I play my cards right. I want my own life. To be able to do what I want, when I want. Be in control of my own life. To be in control of my body. Why should it be anyone else?