Steps of being happy OR Titles that don't match their post.
So one of my goals was to start being more open and more honest with people, which I've found I am very bad at indeed. Like... ridiculously bad. I lie constantly. Constantly. I don't think a day goes by without me lying at least once about something to someone. I don't know why that is. I think part of it is to smooth over some things; I lie about enjoying something, or being amused, or impressed, or caring, or whatever. Sometimes I lie to get people to leave me alone. Mostly I lie because they just... pour out of my mouth. I don't even think about them most of the time, and, when I'm not lying, I consider my words very damn carefully indeed.
So honesty is a problem for me. But I've noticed that trying to treat surface things isn't working for me. I can't just say to myself "Stop lying" or "Get you work done." It doesn't work. It's like my brain just laughs and continues on it's merry way. So. Why do I lie.
Well, I hate people and don't think anyone really deserves the truth. I had written a rather long rant attempting to make clear what I mean by "I hate people" but you know... I just don't think I can make that clear in such a way that doesn't piss someone off. There was discussion on coming up with a new word, like, personist or something to describe the level of hatred I have for my species. But I'll just try to leave it at that; I hate people and because I think so little of them, they don't deserve the truth.
Or my effort, come to think of it.
I think I keep waiting for a person to change my opinion of people. I keep waiting on someone who really is that damn awesome. Who's fun and funny and caring and giving and nice and functional and hard working and basically just Jesus Christ or something. I am waiting to find a person who, upon my getting to know them, does not make me want to punch them in the face now and then.
I love you all. Very much. You are all amazing people with amazing traits and wonderful talents. You all also have flaws that have made me want to punch you in the face. Except Jei. Not that I didn't want to on some level, but she'd punch back before asking why I did that, so it never really went past that first inclination of "Punch in th--noooo no no don't do that."
I may also have severe rage issues, but that is a different post for a different honesty day.
I should also note quick that I am aware I am far from perfect and am no exception from the face-punching. I've never quite worked out the benefit to punching myself in the face, however, so I haven't, even when I've really deserved it (my god have I really deserved it). I mean, punching others might be cathartic in some way, but I think punching myself would just hurt. I certainly don't think I could knock some sense into me. If I could, then maybe I would learn from myself, which I don't (one of the reasons for need for face punching).
But, yeah. You're all pretty awesome, but you're basically not Jesus.
You know, I don't really need someone to be that perfect. I just... I want someone who just lives without it being at the expense of others in some way. I want someone who can just give because s/he wants to, thinks people are pretty awesome, and doesn't have a secret rage-filled dark side.
I want to be that person. I do. I want to be the person that can just give and give and give and not need anything in return, not even a thank you or a smile, but I'm just not. I gave it a fairly decent go, I think, but I just... need the thank yous. I can't live on the good feeling of having done something for someone. I'm too damn petty. I feel too slighted when I don't get a thank you or some form of gratitude.
Maybe that's the trick though, of trying to be a better person. Getting over shit like that. Letting go of that pettiness. (I would say "letting go of that desire" but then Austin will make some remark about Buddhism and we'll be back to face punching. No seriously, one remark and I will punch you in the face. I will find you and punch you in your damn Buddhist mouth I swear to God.) Taking a breath in and saying, "This isn't about me," and letting go of that selfishness with a breath out.
I think, as I get older, I want to let go of that and my hate of people. It's a lot of effort, hating others, especially when it's pretty much all the others. I run into the problem of this being a touch stone for me though. Even when I've got nothing else for me, my hate and worry and guilt are the three things that hold me together and don't let me break down. My hate says "Don't let them see you crumble. Keep it together or you're no better then them." And my worry says, "GET THINGS DONE. If you don't get things done, it won't matter if you don't crumble! Why isn't this done? You aren't that tired." And my guilt says, "Look at all these things others did for you to help you. You're wasting their help, you selfish brat. Do something with yourself. Be better."
And those things allow me to function. To get to work. To go to class. To talk to others. So maybe I shouldn't let go of my hate and pettiness. I think I might need them a bit.
...
This happiness thing is hard.
So honesty is a problem for me. But I've noticed that trying to treat surface things isn't working for me. I can't just say to myself "Stop lying" or "Get you work done." It doesn't work. It's like my brain just laughs and continues on it's merry way. So. Why do I lie.
Well, I hate people and don't think anyone really deserves the truth. I had written a rather long rant attempting to make clear what I mean by "I hate people" but you know... I just don't think I can make that clear in such a way that doesn't piss someone off. There was discussion on coming up with a new word, like, personist or something to describe the level of hatred I have for my species. But I'll just try to leave it at that; I hate people and because I think so little of them, they don't deserve the truth.
Or my effort, come to think of it.
I think I keep waiting for a person to change my opinion of people. I keep waiting on someone who really is that damn awesome. Who's fun and funny and caring and giving and nice and functional and hard working and basically just Jesus Christ or something. I am waiting to find a person who, upon my getting to know them, does not make me want to punch them in the face now and then.
I love you all. Very much. You are all amazing people with amazing traits and wonderful talents. You all also have flaws that have made me want to punch you in the face. Except Jei. Not that I didn't want to on some level, but she'd punch back before asking why I did that, so it never really went past that first inclination of "Punch in th--noooo no no don't do that."
I may also have severe rage issues, but that is a different post for a different honesty day.
I should also note quick that I am aware I am far from perfect and am no exception from the face-punching. I've never quite worked out the benefit to punching myself in the face, however, so I haven't, even when I've really deserved it (my god have I really deserved it). I mean, punching others might be cathartic in some way, but I think punching myself would just hurt. I certainly don't think I could knock some sense into me. If I could, then maybe I would learn from myself, which I don't (one of the reasons for need for face punching).
But, yeah. You're all pretty awesome, but you're basically not Jesus.
You know, I don't really need someone to be that perfect. I just... I want someone who just lives without it being at the expense of others in some way. I want someone who can just give because s/he wants to, thinks people are pretty awesome, and doesn't have a secret rage-filled dark side.
I want to be that person. I do. I want to be the person that can just give and give and give and not need anything in return, not even a thank you or a smile, but I'm just not. I gave it a fairly decent go, I think, but I just... need the thank yous. I can't live on the good feeling of having done something for someone. I'm too damn petty. I feel too slighted when I don't get a thank you or some form of gratitude.
Maybe that's the trick though, of trying to be a better person. Getting over shit like that. Letting go of that pettiness. (I would say "letting go of that desire" but then Austin will make some remark about Buddhism and we'll be back to face punching. No seriously, one remark and I will punch you in the face. I will find you and punch you in your damn Buddhist mouth I swear to God.) Taking a breath in and saying, "This isn't about me," and letting go of that selfishness with a breath out.
I think, as I get older, I want to let go of that and my hate of people. It's a lot of effort, hating others, especially when it's pretty much all the others. I run into the problem of this being a touch stone for me though. Even when I've got nothing else for me, my hate and worry and guilt are the three things that hold me together and don't let me break down. My hate says "Don't let them see you crumble. Keep it together or you're no better then them." And my worry says, "GET THINGS DONE. If you don't get things done, it won't matter if you don't crumble! Why isn't this done? You aren't that tired." And my guilt says, "Look at all these things others did for you to help you. You're wasting their help, you selfish brat. Do something with yourself. Be better."
And those things allow me to function. To get to work. To go to class. To talk to others. So maybe I shouldn't let go of my hate and pettiness. I think I might need them a bit.
...
This happiness thing is hard.