Flash to the past
Nodame and Chiaki. Nodame Cantabile. The drama the sent me into a flurry of tears, that had me screaming like a giddy school girl, that soared me into laughter and pushed me to the edge in suspense. It's a touching tale not just about love, but about achieving your passions and believing in the power of ambition. I watched this show with so much fervor that I literally felt my heart glowing, and when the season finally came to an end I couldn't help but want more. More and more like some addicted crack fiend.
I listened to Japanese music and looked out my window, imaging what Japan would be like. I was finally moving to the place of my dreams, I thought to myself. I hummed the Japanese melody to myself and smiled. It was really happening. But I was so scared.
I remember sitting on my bed with Miho cuddled up next to me, the two of us taking part in a deep bond called "Japanese dramas." We laughed at nodame, impersonated the Maestro and squealed as Chiaki threw Nodame in the streets. It was a warm memory for me. We shared so much together, the two of us. I didn't want my life to end, yet the future before me in Japan seemed to sparkle. My dream was finally coming true.
It's strange how time passes. Here I am three years later, a jaded woman who escaped the wrath of Japan on yet another misty adventure to the realm of China.
Sometimes I really miss that warm, comforting feeling I had when I lived in Salt Lake with Hali and Miho; when I yearned for that innocent love that Chiaki and Nodame shared with one another, when Japan was like an uncharted island waiting to be explored.
Now Japan is like a shattered dream on the floor, and i have only been able to pick up just a few of the pieces but can't make them into any viable shape. After watching Nodame tonight I flipped into Japan mode, almost started speaking Japanese to my mother and then thought of my months in Beijing. I'm such a weird person. I have split culturally personalities. Sometimes.... I just don't know who I am.
All of the sudden I was overwhelmed with fear. I felt like I did before I departed to Japan the first time. I didn't know what to expect and although a job had been set up for me, I felt uncertain and lost about the incoming tidal wave. I didn't know how to prepare myself for the impact.
My life is in jumbles. I don't know the next step, but either way my heart has latched onto the dream of China and is sailing away toward the red continent. I have no job, maybe no prospects and a little bit more than pocket change in my bank account. I need to make money. I need to make something of myself. I need to press my ambitions into the dimension of reality and become that person I was meant to be. I can't be afraid of China, I just can't. I won't let fear overtake me like it did in Japan, and even if people yell at me and try to cheat me like they did in Beijing, I'll handle it with patience, stride and courage--I will grow.
Chen Gang is there, and no matter what may happen I know he will take care of me. Knowing that he will be there at the airport to guide me is enough reassurance for anything. Seeing his face at the airport will help me to realize that Shanghai was not a mistake, everything I have done up to this point has not been a mistake, and destiny has somehow lead me here... away from everything I know.
My boyfriend asked me to take him back multiple times. He asked me to go to Japan and live together, even just for a little while, despite the consequences. He tried every tactic possible to lure me back into Japan, and my longing for him was so strong it almost worked. The words Chen Gang advised me kept repeating over and over inside of my head:
"You never put yourself first, Mary. Do what YOU want to do, not what others want you to."
My boyfriend's sentences all began with the word "I."
I want you to come back to Japan
I want you to live with me
I want you to be my girlfriend
I want you to go to the Japanese language school
I realized I had to follow my heart, truly, and do something stupid. So stupid it broke my heart, it strained my boyfriend with anguish, it lead me into a black tunnel with no direction.
I always tell myself that people don't grow from staying idle in one spot. Great things don't happen to those that sit comfortably and watch the world instead of live in it. Staying in Utah may be easy, going to Japan to live with my boyfriend may be the most stable, but is it the path that will lead me to happiness? And more importantly, is it something that someone as ambitious as myself can sit down and live with?
I need to try. I'm going to dive into the unknown and take my friend's hand, as he guides me through a strange, mysterious place seeped in opportunity and risk.
风险
Without it, greatness is never achieved.
Mary, take the risks.
Mary, go forward.
Mary, do what YOU want to do.
Do what you want to do.
I listened to Japanese music and looked out my window, imaging what Japan would be like. I was finally moving to the place of my dreams, I thought to myself. I hummed the Japanese melody to myself and smiled. It was really happening. But I was so scared.
I remember sitting on my bed with Miho cuddled up next to me, the two of us taking part in a deep bond called "Japanese dramas." We laughed at nodame, impersonated the Maestro and squealed as Chiaki threw Nodame in the streets. It was a warm memory for me. We shared so much together, the two of us. I didn't want my life to end, yet the future before me in Japan seemed to sparkle. My dream was finally coming true.
It's strange how time passes. Here I am three years later, a jaded woman who escaped the wrath of Japan on yet another misty adventure to the realm of China.
Sometimes I really miss that warm, comforting feeling I had when I lived in Salt Lake with Hali and Miho; when I yearned for that innocent love that Chiaki and Nodame shared with one another, when Japan was like an uncharted island waiting to be explored.
Now Japan is like a shattered dream on the floor, and i have only been able to pick up just a few of the pieces but can't make them into any viable shape. After watching Nodame tonight I flipped into Japan mode, almost started speaking Japanese to my mother and then thought of my months in Beijing. I'm such a weird person. I have split culturally personalities. Sometimes.... I just don't know who I am.
All of the sudden I was overwhelmed with fear. I felt like I did before I departed to Japan the first time. I didn't know what to expect and although a job had been set up for me, I felt uncertain and lost about the incoming tidal wave. I didn't know how to prepare myself for the impact.
My life is in jumbles. I don't know the next step, but either way my heart has latched onto the dream of China and is sailing away toward the red continent. I have no job, maybe no prospects and a little bit more than pocket change in my bank account. I need to make money. I need to make something of myself. I need to press my ambitions into the dimension of reality and become that person I was meant to be. I can't be afraid of China, I just can't. I won't let fear overtake me like it did in Japan, and even if people yell at me and try to cheat me like they did in Beijing, I'll handle it with patience, stride and courage--I will grow.
Chen Gang is there, and no matter what may happen I know he will take care of me. Knowing that he will be there at the airport to guide me is enough reassurance for anything. Seeing his face at the airport will help me to realize that Shanghai was not a mistake, everything I have done up to this point has not been a mistake, and destiny has somehow lead me here... away from everything I know.
My boyfriend asked me to take him back multiple times. He asked me to go to Japan and live together, even just for a little while, despite the consequences. He tried every tactic possible to lure me back into Japan, and my longing for him was so strong it almost worked. The words Chen Gang advised me kept repeating over and over inside of my head:
"You never put yourself first, Mary. Do what YOU want to do, not what others want you to."
My boyfriend's sentences all began with the word "I."
I want you to come back to Japan
I want you to live with me
I want you to be my girlfriend
I want you to go to the Japanese language school
I realized I had to follow my heart, truly, and do something stupid. So stupid it broke my heart, it strained my boyfriend with anguish, it lead me into a black tunnel with no direction.
I always tell myself that people don't grow from staying idle in one spot. Great things don't happen to those that sit comfortably and watch the world instead of live in it. Staying in Utah may be easy, going to Japan to live with my boyfriend may be the most stable, but is it the path that will lead me to happiness? And more importantly, is it something that someone as ambitious as myself can sit down and live with?
I need to try. I'm going to dive into the unknown and take my friend's hand, as he guides me through a strange, mysterious place seeped in opportunity and risk.
风险
Without it, greatness is never achieved.
Mary, take the risks.
Mary, go forward.
Mary, do what YOU want to do.
Do what you want to do.