(no subject)
Why is it that my fucked up relationships can't just END?! Scott, David, Josh...Billy? They painfully drag on for days, and bloop they go. Out the window. A little wham-bam, with undeniable closure would be nice once in awhile. Ok, so Scott was my fault. And i'm sure as hell paying for it! A break...which was really a breakup..that lasted a month. And i have not had a normal happy relationship since. Karma, you nasty bitch...
So..how do i define myself today? Confused. Shouldn't i be completely clear? It was me that was unhappy, and ready to give up. I was calling for change, adjustment or goodbyes. And here i am, the one completely lost about my status. Am i single? Or is my relationship still sneakily hanging on by one last thread? And if in fact i AM single, did i just get dumped? Or was it mutual? Can it be mutual if i still havn't gotten a chance to say that i officially WANT to break up? Probably not. But i don't see how you can dump someone because they're mad at YOU.
I had a disturbingly elaborate dream that he was acting this way because he was in fact actually gay...and i met his gay lover, and that was it.
I happened to talk to him online..and it seems he's been avoiding me because "he knew what i was getting ready to say". He's sure i'm going to break up with him..or maybe he's just done trying. I'm sure starting to feel that way. Especially since its all like a game. The whole damn thing. I don't know what i'm saying anymore. I want to get my cameras developed, i'm quite anxious to see the pictures.
Man...i'll be really sad to put the bear he gave me for Christmas in the "ex box"....i'll need a bigger box! And the pictures on my camera will have to go straight in, too. Never get to frame 'em...*sniffle*. But i'm not sleeping anymore, maybe its not healthy. I know its not healthy.
i miss home.
So..how do i define myself today? Confused. Shouldn't i be completely clear? It was me that was unhappy, and ready to give up. I was calling for change, adjustment or goodbyes. And here i am, the one completely lost about my status. Am i single? Or is my relationship still sneakily hanging on by one last thread? And if in fact i AM single, did i just get dumped? Or was it mutual? Can it be mutual if i still havn't gotten a chance to say that i officially WANT to break up? Probably not. But i don't see how you can dump someone because they're mad at YOU.
I had a disturbingly elaborate dream that he was acting this way because he was in fact actually gay...and i met his gay lover, and that was it.
I happened to talk to him online..and it seems he's been avoiding me because "he knew what i was getting ready to say". He's sure i'm going to break up with him..or maybe he's just done trying. I'm sure starting to feel that way. Especially since its all like a game. The whole damn thing. I don't know what i'm saying anymore. I want to get my cameras developed, i'm quite anxious to see the pictures.
Man...i'll be really sad to put the bear he gave me for Christmas in the "ex box"....i'll need a bigger box! And the pictures on my camera will have to go straight in, too. Never get to frame 'em...*sniffle*. But i'm not sleeping anymore, maybe its not healthy. I know its not healthy.
i miss home.