Why do I do this to myself?
My most recent Facebook comment sums it up:
Ever wake up and realize that life is not actually meant to be a self-imposed endurance test? These are exciting times, no question, but sometimes this overachiever thing wears on me.
The overachiever thing is compulsive. I don't even know when I'm doing it; I only realize it when it's too late. And the thing about it is, I'm very good at it. I am highly competent, I have excellent coping skills, and I do best with the adrenaline-boost of a minor crisis. In case you are unsure, I'm not bragging; I'm lamenting.
The kids arrived home from Pennsic on Sunday night. Unpacked and reconnected and went to bed. Monday morning the weatherization guys were here bright and early (day 5 of what was supposed to be a 4-day job, which now they promise will be done in 5.5 days). I worked, took all of us to the chiropractor, napped because I'm down hard with a horrible cold that I've had for 2 weeks and can't seem to shake, interfaced with worker guys, took all four kids to get their teeth cleaned, made dinner, and then "relaxed" in front of a movie with the kids (rare). Went to bed early and slept fitfully due to not being able to breathe properly from my cold. Woke early for the same reason.
Worked. The weatherization guys will be here again at 8. Their supervisor is coming at 9 to do a final audit including a blower-door test, a complete walk-through, and paperwork I have to sign for the state. Love that my house is getting improved; hate having worker people in my house. At 9:45, I'm taking the younger three to the orthodontist (an hour away) so the middle two can get their bottom braces on; they'll need extra TLC for several days, including very soft food and comfort measures. We'll get back just in time for the third kid to have a one-hour music lesson -- the only time in two months when she can have one -- while I pack up the car. We're then driving 3+ hours to go camping at my childhood haunt for 3 nights in the White Mountains with my parents, sister/nephew, and a bunch of grown-up long-timer camping friends and their families. Beach and s'mores and plenty of wine. Arriving home late Friday. I'll be going offsite to find wi-fi so I can work (minimally) while camping. It's just not possible/advisable for me to take actual vacation from work this year.
Saturday is Ellery's 11th birthday; no plans Sat and Sun, except to put the house back together after the weatherization work (which affected every floor of our house and completely turned Everest's room and the cellar upside down), and I will need to catch up on work and we'll need to catch our breaths and repack before leaving again on Tuesday (after Ellery has a doctor's appointment and Avery has some dental work done on Monday) for northern VT where we visit friends every year at their idyllic lakeside property that is straight out of the 1930s (except for extensive house updates) -- private sandy beach cove, boathouse, dirt roads, etc. Our friends are two sisters and their families; one based in Seattle and one based in Switzerland, and I've been friends with the elder one since 3rd grade, so it's like a reunion. The place is gorgeous, we've gone every year since 2006 except last year (because we were moving) and we're not missing this year. It's another 3-hour drive. It's always crazy - we only find out when we get there where we'll be sleeping, etc. At least there is wi-fi onsite so I won't have to leave to work (which I used to have to do).
Arrive home on Friday, and that evening we're going to a concert in town and hosting 3 singers overnight. I said no, twice, I swear, but they were desperate for host families, and the people involved will someday be returning the favor with my kids. After delivering them back to their entourage on Saturday, we'll have the rest of Sat and all of Sun off, and the kids leave Sun night for another week at Camelot.
When do I breathe? I don't. This is the pace at which I simultaneously thrive and burn out. I am sort of always on the edge of one or the other. For the last 2.5 years, the divorce and its aftermath took care of keeping me on that edge. I must be comfortable there. But it's not good for me, and I need to get off it and find some other perch where I can live calmer/slower/saner and still thrive.
The thing is, I do this to myself. I'm not going to cancel our camping trip. I'm not going to cancel our trip up north. I'm not packing up and driving 3 hours for less than a 3-night stay. And if I don't shake this cold, I'll still have it when the kids go away again, and then I'll crash and sleep and be an antisocial lump and do nothing but eat and work and sleep and watch movies until they get home. I know this pattern. I have done it and will get through it and everything will be fine eventually, but the price of this behavior gets higher as I get older.
I do this to myself. This isn't from the divorce. This is just me, running on my personal hamster wheel. It doesn't feel healthy and I would like to get off, but every time I feel that way, I have to get through the plans I laid before I can, and then as soon as I take a deep breath I'm off and running again.
I am waking up to the fact that this is unsustainable and I need to change. Wish me luck.
Ever wake up and realize that life is not actually meant to be a self-imposed endurance test? These are exciting times, no question, but sometimes this overachiever thing wears on me.
The overachiever thing is compulsive. I don't even know when I'm doing it; I only realize it when it's too late. And the thing about it is, I'm very good at it. I am highly competent, I have excellent coping skills, and I do best with the adrenaline-boost of a minor crisis. In case you are unsure, I'm not bragging; I'm lamenting.
The kids arrived home from Pennsic on Sunday night. Unpacked and reconnected and went to bed. Monday morning the weatherization guys were here bright and early (day 5 of what was supposed to be a 4-day job, which now they promise will be done in 5.5 days). I worked, took all of us to the chiropractor, napped because I'm down hard with a horrible cold that I've had for 2 weeks and can't seem to shake, interfaced with worker guys, took all four kids to get their teeth cleaned, made dinner, and then "relaxed" in front of a movie with the kids (rare). Went to bed early and slept fitfully due to not being able to breathe properly from my cold. Woke early for the same reason.
Worked. The weatherization guys will be here again at 8. Their supervisor is coming at 9 to do a final audit including a blower-door test, a complete walk-through, and paperwork I have to sign for the state. Love that my house is getting improved; hate having worker people in my house. At 9:45, I'm taking the younger three to the orthodontist (an hour away) so the middle two can get their bottom braces on; they'll need extra TLC for several days, including very soft food and comfort measures. We'll get back just in time for the third kid to have a one-hour music lesson -- the only time in two months when she can have one -- while I pack up the car. We're then driving 3+ hours to go camping at my childhood haunt for 3 nights in the White Mountains with my parents, sister/nephew, and a bunch of grown-up long-timer camping friends and their families. Beach and s'mores and plenty of wine. Arriving home late Friday. I'll be going offsite to find wi-fi so I can work (minimally) while camping. It's just not possible/advisable for me to take actual vacation from work this year.
Saturday is Ellery's 11th birthday; no plans Sat and Sun, except to put the house back together after the weatherization work (which affected every floor of our house and completely turned Everest's room and the cellar upside down), and I will need to catch up on work and we'll need to catch our breaths and repack before leaving again on Tuesday (after Ellery has a doctor's appointment and Avery has some dental work done on Monday) for northern VT where we visit friends every year at their idyllic lakeside property that is straight out of the 1930s (except for extensive house updates) -- private sandy beach cove, boathouse, dirt roads, etc. Our friends are two sisters and their families; one based in Seattle and one based in Switzerland, and I've been friends with the elder one since 3rd grade, so it's like a reunion. The place is gorgeous, we've gone every year since 2006 except last year (because we were moving) and we're not missing this year. It's another 3-hour drive. It's always crazy - we only find out when we get there where we'll be sleeping, etc. At least there is wi-fi onsite so I won't have to leave to work (which I used to have to do).
Arrive home on Friday, and that evening we're going to a concert in town and hosting 3 singers overnight. I said no, twice, I swear, but they were desperate for host families, and the people involved will someday be returning the favor with my kids. After delivering them back to their entourage on Saturday, we'll have the rest of Sat and all of Sun off, and the kids leave Sun night for another week at Camelot.
When do I breathe? I don't. This is the pace at which I simultaneously thrive and burn out. I am sort of always on the edge of one or the other. For the last 2.5 years, the divorce and its aftermath took care of keeping me on that edge. I must be comfortable there. But it's not good for me, and I need to get off it and find some other perch where I can live calmer/slower/saner and still thrive.
The thing is, I do this to myself. I'm not going to cancel our camping trip. I'm not going to cancel our trip up north. I'm not packing up and driving 3 hours for less than a 3-night stay. And if I don't shake this cold, I'll still have it when the kids go away again, and then I'll crash and sleep and be an antisocial lump and do nothing but eat and work and sleep and watch movies until they get home. I know this pattern. I have done it and will get through it and everything will be fine eventually, but the price of this behavior gets higher as I get older.
I do this to myself. This isn't from the divorce. This is just me, running on my personal hamster wheel. It doesn't feel healthy and I would like to get off, but every time I feel that way, I have to get through the plans I laid before I can, and then as soon as I take a deep breath I'm off and running again.
I am waking up to the fact that this is unsustainable and I need to change. Wish me luck.