552: I Almost Wept...
But I really only cry when I'm frustrated.
Now, I haven't felt a sadness like this in a long time... maybe not ever. It's a very strange combination of things, and not necessarily bad. It's one of those moments where you can see how you've changed, how you're changing, how maybe you're gonna change... And change is always sad, at first. I guess you get used to it and then embrace it.
But you know me: I love being sad, wallowing can be a sport. But mostly, I'm grabbing onto this sadness as my right and as the impetus for my changing. It's like a cathartic depression.
Why am I so emotional right now, you ask? (Well, it's not that I'm upset--but that the sadness is quietly brooding in my stomach, and I don't know how it'll be let out. Screaming, tears, anger, giddiness--who knows.).
Well, as with all sudden moments in your life where you suddenly realize something, it comes from some things that aren't necessarily sad or upsetting--quite the opposite. I had a fairly good day, nothing too stressful. We're watching the original version of Three Men and a Baby in French (Trois Hommes et un couffin). Afternoon was mostly whiled away, saw guy from Pansy Division (first gay band) have a little book-reading/film-clip showing/acoustic set, which I found quite amusing. Went to the 40 (an only-beer bar--bleh. But teh buffalo wings and nachos were AMAZING) with Laura and her awesome bandmate Annie and Laura's awesome friend the Amazing Leah and some of her friends visiting for their spring break.
Then, after I left them--I got some ice cream while we were in Rite Aid, so I was eating that; love Laura even more for introducing me to the cotton candy flavor, yums!--wasted some more time on the internet and climbed the hill back up to my room. I needed to actually read pretty much most of Pirandello's Six Characters in Search of an Author for Modern Drama in the morning.
Of course, in the meantime, I called my sister, and we chatted for a good while--which I don't think we ever did before she got a cellphone just recently, lol. But anyone, after that, there was random texting, as I am fond of at this hour... and I was talking to Carlos, the boyfriend aboot him giving me a ride to the airport on Friday.
Well, he's not my boyfriend anymore. We broke up.
It was amicable--rather synchronized, actually, in that we both had the same reason for wanting to just be friends and not be dating, as we're not really ready for a relationship. Basically, we are horny sluts and we both know it.
Still, I couldn't help feeling sad aboot it. This is slightly more complicated, I'm not gonna lie: on the simple side, it's my first ever relationship, really, that is, as far as officially dating. Definitely a learning-experience and the breakup is no different. New experiences, that's what I want, right?
But at the same time, I have felt a little guilty--Carlos is such a great guy and I do like spending time with him. If I was ready for a relationship right now, I couldn't ask for better than him, really. I feel as if I should prolly want monogamy--yet at the same time, my slutitude is too much fun, y'know?
At any rate, what has really changed is the status of the relationship; it hasn't ended. We just wanted to take the pressure off, I suppose. I can see this, I can comprehend this. But what I'm feeling right now? A sense of loss... just like I did last summer when I realized Mike would never be into me, ever. Did it end the relationship? Certainly not; in fact, I think it improved it, as he's still one of my best friends.
And I love Mike. We've decided that, when we're old, Mike will still be complaining about his lack of luck finding a woman and I'll still be throwing my hands up about it. He'll still be rambling on about everything no one else will listen to but me, and we'll both enjoy biting on each other's brains.
In short, I love Mike. And I think I might be on my way to loving Carlos--in what way, I'm not sure yet. It took me a few years on Mike to decide me feelings, so you never know...
And the issue of love gets into how I'm changing--basically, how love, long absent, is coming back into my life, really. But I think that's an even bigger issue for another time. To keep it brief: the last several months? I've been becoming a different person, I can feel it. I haven't been able to consciouslly process it, I don't think, until now. And that's prolly part of my general comatose and nihilistic feelings lately. Sort of emptying myself and now I'm being refilled...
And it was talking to Mike, appropriately, that opened up this well. I really do love him, in the deepest, most lasting way possible. Of course, now that I've actually fucked some guys, I've gotten over my little "infatuation"... but, like I said, that's somehow made my feelings for him like something I feel more meaningful, y'know?
And this is too long already, but I just wanted to mention that when I talk aboot meself as a 'slut', I connotate it with a certain pride--and, again, that's a topic for another time, one worth pontificating on, I feel.
So, that's the emotional stuff I'm working through--ironically or not, just writing all that was cathartic, and I feel less sad and a bit more purposeful.
Oh! I forgot to mention that I basically read Six Characters in Search of an Author before and after me and Carlos had our phone call. And in addition to all that emotional turmoil and that play? It really made me want to weep at the end... so I took a much needed shower, 'cause it was time for refreshing!
I think today in Modern Drama I will have to pontificate on this play, at least a little, because it has touched me in a way few books have since White Oleander. All that stuff aboot family dysfunction and the meaning of art: the difference between what is true and what is real, and teh difficulties or representing that. Of breaking down the line between truth and reality.
Wow, I am such a word-dumper all of a sudden! Is this good for the environment of your brains? I sure hope so! Okay, toodles all...