What we used to do
What we used to do was make lists.
Of all the things we wanted to do.
Of all the things we liked and disliked
About ourselves, about our friends,
about high school and the opposite sex.
What we used to do was keep journals
In ink, with drawings and scribbles too,
That, no matter how crude, were still better
Than any poems written there.
But when we started thinking
We started thinking it was wrong
To write a journal full of words
And spend hours on those doodles and poor poetry
When outside your door lay all the opportunities
To consolidate your lists.
And so you retreated into the world of doing,
Until a teacher years later
Reminds you once again what it was like
To take the time to dream something up.
You can't remember the last time you had a clear hope.
Your goals were swallowed down
Your ambitions confused with transcript letters
A B A C And GPA numbers.
And so after my first really befreaking bad poem in about a decade
Maybe two--maybe I'm going to be twenty one in just over one month--
I return to my lists.
Because as straight forward as they were,
And as obvious, somewhere along the purple line,
I forgot about my lists.
Things I Liked Once, or more than once:
-The sound of rain on the elm tree leaves that used to line my street
-The trampoline
-That god-awful Bath and Body Works scent: Juniper Breeze
-Lilies of the Valley, before I knew what Calas were or Day
-Old movies I'd already seen ten times that year
-Turkey on Croissant sandwiches
-before the transition to Tuna Salad on Croissant
-before the transition to salads .
-Tap dancing with Colleen in Highwood
--
-
-French with Mademoiselle Bonahoom
-Singing in a choir
-Canoeing
-Painting my toenails, silver, blue, bright red
-Singing into whisks and making cookie dough with my sisters
-Carrying my new puppy from underneath her front arms so that her bottom fell free, unsupported and her pink little belly faced out to the world, to the anxious mother who wanted so to make me hold her more carefully
-
-Elephant tracks
-Lemonade stands...no. Lemonade.
-Lake Forest Day Carnival
-The Fourth of July and fireworks at Shoreacres
-The Three Musketeers with Chris O'Donnel
-Doogie Howser, M.D. and Mr. Belvedere
-The Shell Silverstein books that I never owned
-Scholastics magazines and baby animal posters, eye magic books, and Where's Waldo order forms
-dry erase markers
-Kickball, more than softball, more than baseball, more than basketball, but not more than 4 square
-Slow dances
-camp counseling
-
-boys
-the beautiful boys you can only aspire to
-the nerd boys that you knew would turn out to be cute before anyone else guessed it, and loving their personality first
-sleep-overs and air matresses, candles and sappy songs
-the way the oboe makes you really really laugh
-movie days in band
-hahahhahaha, band
-getting off crutches
-wearing my hair in pigtails,
-pigtail buns
-meeting Caroline for the first time, sitting in front of her (in Mrs. whatshername's class, before Zeller, it started with an H...) with those pigail buns in my hair
-Fantasy books
-my first romance novel in Florida, learning that my grandmother taught her granddaughter, my eldest sister, to read them for "good fun" one summer when she was "old enough" to get the real answer to "what are those other books next to all of granddad's michael crighton and john grisham novels?"
-that old brown pillow, fuzzy, that sat on the red leather arm chair in the game room
-my cousins
-my aunts and uncles, every one
-
--
-
-sometimes me, sometimes not so much
-illustrating
-playing the piano after dinner
-going to the high school to see a musical when i was still too young to find the seats on my own, when my eyes just cleared the arm rest as i walked along the rows behind my parents
-my sister's 80s music blaring at 7am as she got ready for when she was in high school
-that song "Istanbul was once Constantinople..."
-the muppet babies
-the smell of mint on a sweater
-the smell of vanilla
-red hair and green eyes that i could never hope to have in truth
-oh wow, my first crush.
-even more wow. my second that lasted five years. brutal.
-horses
-
--
-
tomorrow: Things I want to do before I die, or favorite things to discover in a boy, or things i like most and least about my friends... because every once in a while, it's important even to remind yourself...
Of all the things we wanted to do.
Of all the things we liked and disliked
About ourselves, about our friends,
about high school and the opposite sex.
What we used to do was keep journals
In ink, with drawings and scribbles too,
That, no matter how crude, were still better
Than any poems written there.
But when we started thinking
We started thinking it was wrong
To write a journal full of words
And spend hours on those doodles and poor poetry
When outside your door lay all the opportunities
To consolidate your lists.
And so you retreated into the world of doing,
Until a teacher years later
Reminds you once again what it was like
To take the time to dream something up.
You can't remember the last time you had a clear hope.
Your goals were swallowed down
Your ambitions confused with transcript letters
A B A C And GPA numbers.
And so after my first really befreaking bad poem in about a decade
Maybe two--maybe I'm going to be twenty one in just over one month--
I return to my lists.
Because as straight forward as they were,
And as obvious, somewhere along the purple line,
I forgot about my lists.
Things I Liked Once, or more than once:
-The sound of rain on the elm tree leaves that used to line my street
-The trampoline
-That god-awful Bath and Body Works scent: Juniper Breeze
-Lilies of the Valley, before I knew what Calas were or Day
-Old movies I'd already seen ten times that year
-Turkey on Croissant sandwiches
-before the transition to Tuna Salad on Croissant
-before the transition to salads .
-Tap dancing with Colleen in Highwood
--
-
-French with Mademoiselle Bonahoom
-Singing in a choir
-Canoeing
-Painting my toenails, silver, blue, bright red
-Singing into whisks and making cookie dough with my sisters
-Carrying my new puppy from underneath her front arms so that her bottom fell free, unsupported and her pink little belly faced out to the world, to the anxious mother who wanted so to make me hold her more carefully
-
-Elephant tracks
-Lemonade stands...no. Lemonade.
-Lake Forest Day Carnival
-The Fourth of July and fireworks at Shoreacres
-The Three Musketeers with Chris O'Donnel
-Doogie Howser, M.D. and Mr. Belvedere
-The Shell Silverstein books that I never owned
-Scholastics magazines and baby animal posters, eye magic books, and Where's Waldo order forms
-dry erase markers
-Kickball, more than softball, more than baseball, more than basketball, but not more than 4 square
-Slow dances
-camp counseling
-
-boys
-the beautiful boys you can only aspire to
-the nerd boys that you knew would turn out to be cute before anyone else guessed it, and loving their personality first
-sleep-overs and air matresses, candles and sappy songs
-the way the oboe makes you really really laugh
-movie days in band
-hahahhahaha, band
-getting off crutches
-wearing my hair in pigtails,
-pigtail buns
-meeting Caroline for the first time, sitting in front of her (in Mrs. whatshername's class, before Zeller, it started with an H...) with those pigail buns in my hair
-Fantasy books
-my first romance novel in Florida, learning that my grandmother taught her granddaughter, my eldest sister, to read them for "good fun" one summer when she was "old enough" to get the real answer to "what are those other books next to all of granddad's michael crighton and john grisham novels?"
-that old brown pillow, fuzzy, that sat on the red leather arm chair in the game room
-my cousins
-my aunts and uncles, every one
-
--
-
-sometimes me, sometimes not so much
-illustrating
-playing the piano after dinner
-going to the high school to see a musical when i was still too young to find the seats on my own, when my eyes just cleared the arm rest as i walked along the rows behind my parents
-my sister's 80s music blaring at 7am as she got ready for when she was in high school
-that song "Istanbul was once Constantinople..."
-the muppet babies
-the smell of mint on a sweater
-the smell of vanilla
-red hair and green eyes that i could never hope to have in truth
-oh wow, my first crush.
-even more wow. my second that lasted five years. brutal.
-horses
-
--
-
tomorrow: Things I want to do before I die, or favorite things to discover in a boy, or things i like most and least about my friends... because every once in a while, it's important even to remind yourself...