"So you think you know something about me."
well today i finished the first draft of "how the world looks." it's eleven pages as of now. i don't know how that managed to eat up two months' time.
but it's damned tight. and all the motifs, images, patterns, ideas, they are all so inextricably linked, in a way that if someone said i'd planned it, i'd smile guiltily and keep my mouth shut.
but it really did come together, it's all about looking, being looked at, death, accepting/rejecting your own sexuality, binaries, heaven and hell, sinister industry linked to breeding, boys sharing aesthetic orgasm, youth and how keeping it means a refusal of certain things - basically, the things i wanted to be in there, are flying all about but in perfect formation with each other, like an air force squadron or something. and of course they are things that have been surfacing in my writing for a few years now, yet it doesn't feel to me like i keep doing the exact same thing... or maybe i am...
got the editing work started, and almost finished, this evening. i'm going to go back into the lab tomorrow, transfer all the corrections onto the document, and then go to the next magazine meeting... and then... and then... blurt "I'M A FAG NOW PUBLISH THIS."
hahaha. but seriously, people have come to expect homoerotic art from me. last semester, only one sexuality question was posed to me - about my protagonist, not me, and posed quite casually too - well i didn't even get to plead "separation of artist from art" - not that i would have - because someone else cut in with just that refutation, on my behalf. i'm not making that up. of course i didn't help clarify things by responding, "i just wanted his actions to be christlike." but that really was the truth about "the willing bitch."
i'm just that unapproachable on certain things - no coincidence of course. no one at this school has asked, and i will never use a microphone to instigate, perpetuate something so concrete and binary - why, i don't believe in morality yet i'd consider that a sin.
but the point is, i'm going to start to look stupid, after this story drops, if i don't make my Self clearer. and as you know, i can handle the most suffocating, dehumanizing fascism that my little hitler self can impose on me, but I WILL NOT LOOK STUPID IN FRONT OF OTHERS. so i'll get on that.
i'm going to look so good, such a fresh new force bursting out of those limitations.
anyway tonight i took a long, solitary drive, east and west on rt 76. then on a very sudden whim, as i was returning to my college town area, i needed a movie, shit, the good dvd stores close in a half hour!!!! so i went and bought "shadow of a doubt" and also best of the kids in the hall, volume 1.
of course shadow was everything i expected it to be, yet totally different. wonderful, wonderful. i always knew i'd love a movie about terrible secrets within the american household - can't imagine why.
also - tonight i will start reading mann's "mario and the magician." part of my new campaign to restore the part of my self that comes from MY reading, which i had been somewhat losing since summer. i chose it because i'm so obsessed with fascism this semester, as shown by the way my thought patterns are de- and con-fined by semesters.
but it's damned tight. and all the motifs, images, patterns, ideas, they are all so inextricably linked, in a way that if someone said i'd planned it, i'd smile guiltily and keep my mouth shut.
but it really did come together, it's all about looking, being looked at, death, accepting/rejecting your own sexuality, binaries, heaven and hell, sinister industry linked to breeding, boys sharing aesthetic orgasm, youth and how keeping it means a refusal of certain things - basically, the things i wanted to be in there, are flying all about but in perfect formation with each other, like an air force squadron or something. and of course they are things that have been surfacing in my writing for a few years now, yet it doesn't feel to me like i keep doing the exact same thing... or maybe i am...
got the editing work started, and almost finished, this evening. i'm going to go back into the lab tomorrow, transfer all the corrections onto the document, and then go to the next magazine meeting... and then... and then... blurt "I'M A FAG NOW PUBLISH THIS."
hahaha. but seriously, people have come to expect homoerotic art from me. last semester, only one sexuality question was posed to me - about my protagonist, not me, and posed quite casually too - well i didn't even get to plead "separation of artist from art" - not that i would have - because someone else cut in with just that refutation, on my behalf. i'm not making that up. of course i didn't help clarify things by responding, "i just wanted his actions to be christlike." but that really was the truth about "the willing bitch."
i'm just that unapproachable on certain things - no coincidence of course. no one at this school has asked, and i will never use a microphone to instigate, perpetuate something so concrete and binary - why, i don't believe in morality yet i'd consider that a sin.
but the point is, i'm going to start to look stupid, after this story drops, if i don't make my Self clearer. and as you know, i can handle the most suffocating, dehumanizing fascism that my little hitler self can impose on me, but I WILL NOT LOOK STUPID IN FRONT OF OTHERS. so i'll get on that.
i'm going to look so good, such a fresh new force bursting out of those limitations.
anyway tonight i took a long, solitary drive, east and west on rt 76. then on a very sudden whim, as i was returning to my college town area, i needed a movie, shit, the good dvd stores close in a half hour!!!! so i went and bought "shadow of a doubt" and also best of the kids in the hall, volume 1.
of course shadow was everything i expected it to be, yet totally different. wonderful, wonderful. i always knew i'd love a movie about terrible secrets within the american household - can't imagine why.
also - tonight i will start reading mann's "mario and the magician." part of my new campaign to restore the part of my self that comes from MY reading, which i had been somewhat losing since summer. i chose it because i'm so obsessed with fascism this semester, as shown by the way my thought patterns are de- and con-fined by semesters.