(no subject)
nothing like a good cry to make you feel better. hate feeling so hopeless and helpless, and HOMELESS.
after an emotional evening of walking around and crying in the subway, i ended up at liz and donna's and it was honestly so comforting. they were both at the door waiting for me as i sobbed myself up the stairs and they totally took care of me and made me feel so much better. slept quite quite well. until sue called me at 630 and i had to come home and take care of booty who is having a poopy problem. yummy.
stephen's alive. i think that's all i needed to know about him. at least for right now. it's not closure, but it's something. i'm sort of indifferent to him at this moment. but i'm cosntantly changing in this respect, so who knows. i think i miss his presence, or that's what i was missing at least. but i'm so lonely in general, how do i really know whether it is him i'm missing or companionship in any form?
last night i was really sad because for the first time i was thinking, everything would still be the same if i just hadn't gone home when i did that one night. then i would still have my apartment, and maybe noel and i would have been able to work something out, and i would have had a sense of home. times square wouldn't make me sad. but at the same time, i wouldn't be happy, i bet. i understand that everything happens for a reason; accept that. however, i wish this all didn't hurt so bad. i wish that trying to get through losing everything was a little easier, and that i could be heard when i say this really fucking sucks.
i know that people want to blame my issues on other things, but holy shit, you've got to be kidding me. have you any idea how absolutely clueless i feel right now? i don't recognize the reflection in the mirror, my clothes don't fit, people see me different, ew ew ew, some guy assaulted me IN MY HOME, i relive the nightmare everyday, i moved out of my apt., my life is in a storage unit, and i am living like a nomad. i am a nuissaince. i am stressed out. i am giddy. i am confused. i am twirling in circles. so...
okay, better now. got it out of my system.
opening night tonight.
after an emotional evening of walking around and crying in the subway, i ended up at liz and donna's and it was honestly so comforting. they were both at the door waiting for me as i sobbed myself up the stairs and they totally took care of me and made me feel so much better. slept quite quite well. until sue called me at 630 and i had to come home and take care of booty who is having a poopy problem. yummy.
stephen's alive. i think that's all i needed to know about him. at least for right now. it's not closure, but it's something. i'm sort of indifferent to him at this moment. but i'm cosntantly changing in this respect, so who knows. i think i miss his presence, or that's what i was missing at least. but i'm so lonely in general, how do i really know whether it is him i'm missing or companionship in any form?
last night i was really sad because for the first time i was thinking, everything would still be the same if i just hadn't gone home when i did that one night. then i would still have my apartment, and maybe noel and i would have been able to work something out, and i would have had a sense of home. times square wouldn't make me sad. but at the same time, i wouldn't be happy, i bet. i understand that everything happens for a reason; accept that. however, i wish this all didn't hurt so bad. i wish that trying to get through losing everything was a little easier, and that i could be heard when i say this really fucking sucks.
i know that people want to blame my issues on other things, but holy shit, you've got to be kidding me. have you any idea how absolutely clueless i feel right now? i don't recognize the reflection in the mirror, my clothes don't fit, people see me different, ew ew ew, some guy assaulted me IN MY HOME, i relive the nightmare everyday, i moved out of my apt., my life is in a storage unit, and i am living like a nomad. i am a nuissaince. i am stressed out. i am giddy. i am confused. i am twirling in circles. so...
okay, better now. got it out of my system.
opening night tonight.