la tímida aurora de tus células (1/3)
pairing:minseok/luhan
rating:nc17
length:20060
warnings:sex, character experiencing panic attack, character losing consciousness, instance where character is hurt (mild), alcohol use, inaccurate information about astronomy and space travel
summary:it's a fleeting flashing ray of light, a magnificent coincidence.
a/n: originally written/posted for theluminations here. minor editing was done. credit title to zoe's 'la via láctea'.
at the end,
gold stardust and pink finger tips,
a streak across the universe
it’s a wrinkle in time, almost
a second of life
brief,
but it flashes brightly,
pulsates with a ferocious determination
to completely and wholly,
not consume really,
but melt down,
Evanesce
with a fizzing soothing almost undetectable sound into
gentle bones,
atoms of an ephemeral existence,
It becomes the most gratifying
tilting of lips and flashing of teeth.
It's a way to catapult deep into the unknown with open arms
and fall deep deep deep into the briefest of moments.
it’s not the end or the beginning,
it’s an eternal cycle of what-could-have-beens
meeting by chance.
✶❊✶
Minseok is five, small body securely strapped into his dad’s truck, green backpack on top of his knees. The windows are rolled all the way down, a gentle spring breeze ruffles the hair that sticks out from under his Bugs Bunny baseball cap. His dad is humming along to the radio, fingers tapping on the steering wheel as they wait at the stoplight.
“Today NASA will be launching a spacecraft--” The announcer on the radio says after stating the time, date, and traffic conditions. The small boy perks up, kicking his legs as he joins in on the countdown. He gasps when the light turns green, having reached one.
“And blast off!” His dad chances a smile at him, Minseok returns it, twice as bright.
It’s April, 1995, and as Minseok sits in class, completely enthralled in his drawing, he decides to go to outer space one day too.
“Daddy!” Minseok greets his father after school, noticing the light dusting of white on his hair. The overalls he wears to work are worn down, the safety helmet a dull yellow today.
“Hi Minnie,” He straightens the hat precariously perched on his son’s head.
“I want to go to space,” Minseok says, pulling his backpack off as he climbs into the passenger seat of the truck.
“Yeah?” He straps Minseok in, “And when did you decide that?” The engine sputters twice, finally roaring to life after it warms up. Minseok kicks his legs, one of the laces comes loose.
“Today,” He pauses, small face taking on a serious look, “Do you think I can do it?”
“Of course,” His father’s face reminds Minseok of the sandbox at school. Deep lines already marked on the tan skin. He’s really young, but there’s a lifetime that spreads between him and his son.
“You can do anything you set your mind to. You’re a smart boy.”
Minseok’s eyes turn into small crescents, chest filling with pride from his father’s words. He promises to make his dad proud.
He announces his decision again later, Minseok’s mother rewards him a wide smile.
“Of course baby,” She pats his head, her hair tickles his forehead when he leans in to let her place a kiss on his cheek. Minseok thinks she’s the prettiest person in the world. Her eyes curve the same way as his. She’s lying down on the bed, room dark. She always takes a nap after coming home from work. She sometimes complains that her back aches too much.
Minseok is usually careful to not make too much noise, but he was vibrating with excitement so he came, he had to tell his mom the news.
“Mama,” His voice is serious now pausing in the doorway, “Daddy says you have to rest, okay?”
She nods, smiling softly, “Tell your daddy to wash up, we’ll eat dinner when I get up.”
He obediently relays the message to his dad, and then proceeds to take his books out of his backpack. Minseok does him homework, and when he finishes up, quietly grabs his toys to play with. He pretends a plastic water bottle is a space shuttle, imagines himself inside, taking off towards the stars.
Minseok’s English is a lot less shaky, and any trace of an accent is gone now that he’s older. It’s 1999.
Despite the chilly air, he’s only wearing a light sweater, holding his mom’s hand as they walk down to the laundromat.
Saturday is laundry day.
What makes this day so special is, it means they’ll buy snacks on the way home from the international market on their block.
Minseok helps load clothing into two washing machines, inserting the coins into the slots. He watches through the glass as it fills with water, the clothes swirling around. His favorite part is when everything turns sudsy, colors melding together. Minseok wanders around, weaving between the rows of rumbling dryers. His sneakers squeak against the linoleum, but when his foot kicks something, Minseok thinks it must be his lucky day. He picks up the wadded green, spreading it out. He smiles at the stoic face of George Washington staring back at him.
When they’re at the market later, hauling the laundry baskets full of warm clean clothes, something catches Minseok’s eye. He immediately picks up the glossy magazine, a National Geographic sporting an image of the space shuttle, Discovery. He runs his fingers over the cover, the cold slick paper holding a certain amount of heaviness in his hands. He puts the jelly candy he was going to get back.
“Mama,” He holds the magazine out, “can I get this?”
“Sure,” She drops a bag of rice into the basket.
But when they’re checking out, his mom realizes she didn't bring enough money. She pats herself down, searching for any spare cash. Minseok fingers the wrinkly dollar bill in his pocket; he hands it to her proudly, feeling like a lifesaver when she smiles, relieved.
“You’re always such a good boy,” she smiles after they’ve had lunch, back at home, they’re folding the laundry. When Minseok was younger, he would fall asleep after making a nest of his clean socks and shirts. He stays awake now, instead hunting for socks to pair up.
He goes to sleep that night, easily floating off to dream as he counts the stars on his ceiling.
✶❊✶
It smells like damp Earth, firefly season is here. The sky is so vast, and Minseok, so so small.
He is a speck, in a field, and there are hundreds of stars.
One falls before him, and Minseok is rushing towards it. Reaching out with small hands, but he falls. Tall grass cushioning his fall as he tumbles into an opening. A warm glow, pulsating in colors or orange, yellow, and muted red.
It expands in a hot flashing light.
Gold dust rains down, coating everything.
He is enveloped in warmth.
A beautiful, comforting glow.
✶❊✶
Minseok is sitting in his kitchen, his bare foot poking at the speckled tiles. He holds the phone to his ear, twisting the coil around and around. He notices too late that he’s cutting the circulation off of his hand. He lets it go, and it springs neatly back into place.
Static crackles over the phone, he’s in between jobs so he can’t afford a cellphone at the moment, but what does it matter when he has free international calling on his home phone anyway?
“Honey,” his mom’s tired voice comes onto the phone, “how are you?”
“Good,” he says, “I’m doing alright. How are things going for you?”She launches into a short story of an ahjussi with a yippy dog that insisted on being carried into the store. He had taken more than an hour to pick out toilet paper. Minseok chuckles, enjoying the light laughter coming from his mom. Even if it crackles.
“And how’s dad,” he asks, “still cycling?”
The pause that comes next worries Minseok.
“He’s good, but you know how bad his back hurts him--”
When people ask Minseok what his parents are like--he always answers with a knot in his throat. He tells them they’re good people, hard workers, but they went back to Korea. A family business was waiting for them, and the money they made here, hard earned as it was, allows them to live comfortably now. Better than before.
Minseok had opted to stay, as much as it killed him that is. University and a part time job kept him rooted here, but now--
“Mama,” He sucks in a deep breath, “I’m thinking of dropping out of school.”
“But why? Why would you do that--” She begins to drive herself into a sort of panic, and Minseok has learned over the years let her reach the end before answering.
He finally hangs up after his father comes to talk him out of dropping out of college too. He's much more gentle, there's less bite in his words, and that’s the most reassuring, the safest way to know that Minseok--at least can have some time to think.
He thinks about it at night, staring up at the mobile he has hanging over his bed, the one that won him first prize in the eighth grade science fair, the same one that somehow locked in his dream to becoming an astronomer. It wasn't until he was in high school that he gave up on the idea of possibly actually travelling into outer space. That was when he began to look into his dream as an actual career.
He turns over in bed, trying to determine if he has any clean slacks without rummaging in his closet. Minseok doesn't know if he can continue to really go to school. Something that he didn't want to tell his parents was how expensive it actually is to go to university. This is something he's been keeping to himself. His scholarships and grant money won't cover all of the costs in his particular program; he's overheard a lot of the others in his department express their fears with continuing school. He knows that he isn't the only one.
Isn’t sure if it’s worth it anymore.
Minseok shows up half an hour late to the career center at his university; he's supposed to be meeting with an advisor to set up an interview for a paid internship. This doesn't look good, but he hopes the advisor takes pity on him when they see that Minseok had tried to come well prepared, but his soggy clothes were a direct cause from missing the bus. Missing the bus, catching a late bus, and then ending up having to walk a mile to campus.
Minseok is having a pretty shitty day, and he honestly wants to give up, go back to bed, and probably just drop out of school now.
But here he is. Better late than never.
"Minseok Kim?" The advisor looks up at him when he knocks before entering her office. She's probably in her late fifties, and she's plump in a pleasant way. Her blue eyes are framed by wrinkled skin.
"Hi," Minseok cringes when he hears the wet soggy sound his shoes make when he walks inside. He places his backpack down with a thunk. He's glad that he had decided to leave his laptop at home.
He really can't afford water damage.
"I was beginning to get worried that you weren't going to make it, please sit down," She says smiling. This is the first time Minseok has met with Professor Alazar, and he's infinitely grateful to whatever entity has made it so that she isn't angry. She hands him a few paper towels to help him dry off; she even goes as far as to offer him a cup of coffee from the small electric pot she keeps in her office.
He accepts it gratefully, the wet clothes turning cold against his skin. He spends the next hour filling out paperwork, and she asks him general questions as he does so.
"So, Minseok," She pronounces his name incorrectly again.
"It's actually, Minseok," He enunciates, "it's a little difficult to say."
She thanks him and continues with what she was saying, pulling out a flier from out of one of the folders on her desk.
"There's a space program that is currently looking for students to participate in a sort of exchange program."
Minseok looks at her quizzically, "An exchange program?"
"Yes, and everything will be the same. The tuition will be the same as what you pay now, so you don't have to worry about a thing, but there's a bit of a catch. You can either go onto and work at one of their offices, or you can be screened to go onto one of the spacecrafts they're going to be launching."
Minseok quickly closes his mouth, "Go into outer space? How is that even possible?"
She hands him the flier, pointing out what needs to be done, and the initial process of application.
"You'll be paid to work either way, so you won't have to worry about any extra expenses. You'll be taking the rest of your required upper division courses on location or on the ship. There are quite a few professors going from across the country."
"And this is a year long program?"
"Yes, an entire year, as in twelve months."
Minseok bites his lip, wiggling his toes inside his shoe. He still wants to go home, if only to change his wet socks. He’ll technically miss his graduation.
"I've been reviewing your records Minseok. Not only are you a good student, but you're a first generation college student. You're a shoo in for this program. Not to mention this would be a wonderful experience for you."
Minseok nods, thanking her for her help. She gives him a few more applications for a couple of other internships. None of them are as amazing at the one he's holding the flier for. She also makes sure to give him scholarships to apply for. Minseok's mind is already working ahead for what this implies. He decides to seriously think about it, taking the advisor's words into account. To heart.
Minseok waves his hand in front of him, clearing the hookah smoke from his immediate space.
"Why can't we hang out at somewhere else," Amber groans from beside him, "Why must I suffer."
Dongwoo inhales more of the hookah, passing it to Minseok. He doesn't usually smoke, but he does this time around.
"Because my apartment is dirty, and last time I checked, no one forced you to come," Dongwoo replies with a wide smile.
"I was going to invite you guys to mine, but someone puked on my bathroom floor last time and ate all of my food," Minseok looks pointedly at Dongwoo beside him.
"You must have me mistaken with someone else."
Amber rolls her eyes in unison with Minseok.
"So any luck with that guy you were talking to?" Minseok asks trying to make conversation.
"Yeah, I don't know, I lost interest," she looks at him, "how'd your meeting with the career center people go, any luck?"
Minseok reluctantly lets them know what the advisor had told him, detailing the space program he's thinking about applying for. They both seem a little surprised, in awe.
"So space, huh?" Dongwoo is slumped on the table, sleepily lolling his head, "I think you should try for the actual going to space part." Amber nods in agreement.
Minseok cocks his head, reaching for the bubble tea on his table. “You think so?” They nod again, overwhelming him with words of encouragement, and Minseok considers it.
It’s a week later after his meeting, and Minseok finds himself in a convenience store in the middle of the night. He had woken up, as if startled from sleep; Minseok can only remember bits and pieces of the dream he had been having.
There had been an explosion, something sharp had nicked his face, but when he thinks about it now, hand brushing his cheek, he can’t feel a thing.
Just a dream, just a dream.
The fluorescent lighting of the convenience store makes him squint at the labels of the ice cream in the freezer section, but Minseok's stomach isn't up for the dairy anymore if he's being honest. He turns down another aisle, instead picking up a box of sleepytime tea. The bear on the front of the box looks incredibly peaceful, and he finds himself jealous. Minseok sighs, shuffling to the checkout counter.
"Will this be all?" The clerk says eyeing the lone box of tea he's placed on the counter.
"Yeah--" Minseok spots the magazine rack strategically placed to the side, and his eyes gravitate to the one proudly showcasing the Hubble space telescope on the front. "Actually," he smiles, "I'll take this too."
Back at home Minseok pores over the magazine, twenty five years of stunning image after image slide between his fingers on the glossy pages. It's incredible, all of it, the vastness and the beauty. The explosion of colors on the last image leave him almost breathless. Hundreds upon thousands of stars dot the photograph. There's a pleasant buzzing, the rising of goosebumps that cover the surface of his skin--Minseok doesn't know, but he wants to feel this more. If this is how he feels after just looking at an image, how would he feel after experiencing it first hand?
Minseok pours steaming water into a mug, and after ripping the packaging open, he sets a tea bag inside to steep inside.
"Sleepytime," Minseok mumbles to himself, feeling his eyelids begin to droop, "sleepytime indeed."
"So what are you doing?" Dongwoo is standing in the doorway of Minseok's bedroom, hands settled deep inside of his pockets.
"Cleaning," Minseok huffs dumping clothes onto his bed, "I'm going to get rid of what I don't need or can't bring with me."
Dongwoo hums, eyes following him around the room. Minseok stands up straight, putting his hands on his hips, "I thought you came to help."
"In theory," Dongwoo's mouth curls a little, "But you seem to be doing a good job?"
Minseok groans, "You're a terrible best friend."
"I can help clean out your fridge."
"There's barely anything left, just a few cans of beer, some meat and--"
"Sounds like my kind of cleaning!" Dongwoo laughs, that awful loud laugh of his. It's warm, and it fills Minseok's now mostly empty apartment to the brim. Minseok can't help but find himself laughing too.
Dongwoo relents, and Minseok ends up with three different piles. There's the ‘things to put in storage’, ‘things to give away’, and the ‘things to take’. The pile with things Minseok will take with him is significantly smaller than he expected, and he's to be leaving for the east coast in a few days. The process to apply for this internship had been grueling, but after meeting with a representative of the program, Minseok had passed the initial process with flying colors. He won't pretend like he isn't nervous, his hands haven't stopped shaking in weeks, but he's also exuberant.
Amber comes by a few hours later with two boxes of pizza and spicy buffalo wings. She bursts through the door, blonde hair ruffled under her snapback.
"I've come to save the day," she declares placing everything on the kitchen counter, "Except, Dongwoo can only eat if he doesn't talk too much."
"I'm sure the food can keep his mouth busy," Minseok opens one of the boxes, blowing on a slice before devouring the entire piece in four bites. He hadn't realized how hungry he had been this entire time.
"So guess what," Amber's grinning, "I stopped talking to that guy, and I have a date with one of his friends."
Minseok is only kind of stunned, but he's relieved Amber has moved on to someone else. The last guy had been dragging his feet, and he had seemed to be hurting her too much.
"So who's the new guy?" Dongwoo says with half a chicken wing in his mouth.
"Actually it's a girl."
They're both quiet, but Dongwoo breaks the silence first.
"We have to meet her before Minseok leaves," Dongwoo turns towards him, "Right Min?"
"Of course," Minseok grins around another bite. He's going to miss this much more than he had realized, but he swallows down the lump that is starting to form in his throat with a swig from Amber's beer. They pass out sometime around midnight in Minseok's living room. He worries that homesickness will get the best of him. He makes a fuzzy mental note to call home before his departure.
When Minseok had been first accepted into the program, he had immediately called his parents. He hadn't gotten an answer from the program advisor until a month later, so it had come as a bit of a surprise. His parents had been overjoyed, all but whooping and hollering over the telephone line. Minseok's friends had thrown him a party in celebration of his acceptance. Everyone seemed to be rooting for him, and it was an almost pressure, but Minseok found himself also cheering. This was his childhood dream becoming reality, manifesting itself in a completely different way. But all too real.
✶❊✶
Minseok's first few days at the space center have him experiencing small amounts of deja vu.
It’s like starting university all over again, complete with being placed in dorms and everything. Minseok gets a room to himself, something about leaving space for those placed on a waiting list for the program. Those that were close to making it, but hadn't for one reason or another. He's only a little bit disappointed he's alone, because something about forced cohabitation makes for good friendship building. Or enemy making.
It’s all about the attitude, right? Glass half full instead of half empty.
The first week at the facility is used for orientation, some people can get a feel of what might be to come. There are twenty of them, and that’s when it hits Minseok just how elite this is. Just how lucky he is to be occupying the desk he’s in. They’re split into two groups of ten on the second day, and they’re supposed to fill out paperwork. Medical histories, a Myer’s Briggs test, a fact sheet about himself and Minseok is left feeling more like he’s signing up for a dating site.
“What’s the point of this,” A guy sitting next to him mumbles when they’ve been sitting for a while.
"It's a psychology thing?" Minseok replies automatically. He doesn't bother looking up to see who the owner of the voice is.
"Yeah," they sigh.
Minseok keeps bubbling answers, he isn't the type to put down fake ones just because. The only physical pain he's currently suffering from is of the wooden pencil biting into the skin of his hand. So it wouldn't necessarily kill him to put effort into the questionnaires.
He puts the pencil down when he finishes a page and stretches his hand in an effort to relieve the cramping.
"Tiring huh?" The same guy asks. Minseok finally looks up, and he's met with soft dark eyes, heavy lashes, and a mop of caramel brown hair in disarray.
"Yeah," Minseok replies easily, "you?" This same person is hunched over their desk, clothes completely rumpled. They tug on one of their earlobes before sitting up.
"I'm excited to be here and all, especially after the whole 'being put on a waiting list thing', but I just want to sleep," he finishes with a groan, "I'm Han Lu by the way."
"I'm Minseok Kim."
They both get back to work after exchanging a few more pleasantries.
Minseok decides to head back to his dorm after lunch. He had tried to look for Han Lu, but he was no where to be found. When he opens the door to his dorm, he almost cries out. It's as if a tornado has blown through, hurricane, or maybe a typhoon. But it's none of these things, there's a person lying in a nest of clothes the bed opposite of Minseok's. He gets closer and recognizes it as the person he had just been looking for. He grins, maybe they're supposed to be roommates now. Minseok tries to carefully put the guy's stuff neatly onto his side, and he collapses onto his own bed. He feels drained even though he hasn't done much of anything the past two days. It must be more or less emotional exhaustion.
Minseok wakes a little later to soft music, and the windows in his dorm are navy blue. How long did he manage to sleep?
"I think fate has brought us together again," a voice teases. Minseok dimly remembers seeing that he now had a roommate before passing out. He rolls onto his side so that he's facing the other bed.
"Hey," Minseok says sitting up, "you were asleep when I came in so I did the same thing. Took a nap I mean."
"I'm glad you weren't freaked out, I introduced myself earlier, but,” He pauses scratching his head, “you can call me Lu Han. I think it sounds better."
Minseok finds out that Lu Han had just come in that morning, which is why he had probably not moved into the dorm until lunchtime. They're to be here for about a month, one week of orientation, two weeks of training, and one week to prepare for their destinations. It's still only the very beginning, and Lu Han voices his worries. He had been placed on the waiting list, but he was the only one allowed in.
"Something about even numbers," Lu Han laughs when explaining. Minseok likes him a lot. He's easy to talk to, and like him, he's the product of his parents' hope and dreams. Another kid trying to navigate a world that isn't too kind to the diasporic experience.
He's a glass half full kind of person. Minseok has hope.
The training period turns out to be hell on Earth.
"We can't go easy on you all," one of the instructors says for the hundredth time that week alone, "We have to be sure of who can tough it out in space. It's a year long trip on a spacecraft. We can't really take any chances."
Minseok knows she's right, but his body is screaming out in pain. His brain feels like it's going to melt and trickle out of his ears, he wants to give up.
"This is great," A guy named Joonmyun Kim says, he's really tough even though he doesn’t look it. He's working on one of the simulators, the same one that Lu Han had previously been working on. Despite being naturally good at everything, Joonmyun doesn't really care whether or not he gets to go into space. He's more of the 'what happens happens' person, and Minseok finds himself admiring him. Unlike him though, Minseok has his heart set on travelling. He really feels like he can make it, and that pushes him to try harder. Lu Han is the same way. He's right alongside Minseok and does everything to the best of his abilities. Even if he suffers from crushing anxiety when they simulate a take off.
“I’m actually bad on planes,” he confides later that day. They’re in the cafeteria, just the two of them sitting together with bowls of corn chowder. Lu Han likes to drink soda, and Minseok had asked for a coke, but really that meant a sprite.
“I haven’t been to China in years because of the flight,” he continues. Lu Han was born there, Beijing, but his family had left when his dad had transferred positions at his job. Their experiences similar, but not quite the same when looking into the circumstances of their parents’ migration. Why they’re sitting right here, right now.
The tiny details that set them apart. Its apparent in the clothes Lu Han wears, and the way he discusses his childhood in brief snippets of conversation.
Minseok remembers the deep running lines in his father’s hands, deeper than the laugh lines around his mouth.
It doesn’t work to sever their connection, if anything, Minseok feels the gap between himself and Lu Han closing everyday.
Their training is over as fast as it began. Minseok is too tired to celebrate, but he’s awake bright and early on Sunday morning. He’s successfully hauling Lu Han out of bed when there’s an announcement being made for everyone to head down to the ballroom. Lu Han is stumbling and grumbling behind Minseok and into a seat. He’s mumbling about Minseok being gentler next time.
“You hit me,” Minseok repeats himself.
“I was asleep,” Lu Han hisses. He’s going to continue, but then the program director walks to the front of the room. There's a projector already humming in the background. He opens the ceremony with a joke that flops, and he launches into some brief history of the space program. Minseok notices for the first time that there happen to be a few people taking pictures. He rubs at his drooping eyes. He reaches over to smooth down a cowlick on Lu Han's head before settling into his seat again. Minseok is restless by the time the director finally gets to the important part.
"Today," he says standing straighter, "we will be announcing the results to everyone's training over the past two weeks. I know it was a tumultuous two weeks for everyone, and we're proud of all of you--"
Minseok can't hear the rest, because next thing he knows, Lu Han is fully awake, whooping and hollering beside him. Lu Han presses a warm wet kiss on his cheek, but Minseok can't do anything but sit there. They’re ushered to the front, flashing cameras blinding as people shake their hands.
Minseok and Lu Han are going into space.
They're quiet on their way back to their room, but Minseok changes their direction when he hears Lu Han's stomach growling. His body feels numb in a sort of pleasant way, but his left cheek is tingling in an odd not unpleasant way.
They're not the only ones going, there are three other people who were also chosen. Joonmyun was one of them, but he had requested they let him stay on site to work here instead right after the ceremony. That leaves only four out of the originally chosen five, and Minseok only knows Sojin, the engineering student. The last person must be the guy Lu Han had been talking to a few days ago. Minseok can't ever seem to remember his name. In the cafeteria area, people come up to congratulate them, a few of the staff members wish them luck. Tomorrow they're going to be getting ready to leave, because next week everything begins.
It suddenly hits Minseok, like a punch to his chest, the wind is knocked out of him. His life is about to change. He won't be part of life on Earth. Everything, everything will be different. An ocean apart from his family is incomparable to being light years away. They're to travel exoplanet, they're to be millions upon thousands of miles away. It's terrifying, exhilarating.
"Lu Han are you okay?" Minseok asks from the doorway to their room. Lu Han has been much quieter over the past few days. His entire demeanor completely different than it had been at the ceremony.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” He says in a voice so small, Minseok finds himself walking over immediately. Their friendship is still new. There are boundaries neither crosses, and that leaves Minseok hovering awkwardly where Lu Han is sitting on his bed.
"Why the sudden change?" Minseok tries asking gently, he hesitantly places his hand lightly on Lu Han's shoulder.
"I was just thinking how it's kind of a really big deal?" He says finally looking up. Minseok notices the slight puffiness under Lu Han's eyes. It feels like the room is suddenly too small.
"Well," Minseok finally responds, "it is. But you've worked hard for this Lu."
"I'm just being really..." He trails off, "I'm--" He huffs, blowing his hair out of his face. "It's kind of crazy, huh?"
Minseok nods, and he feels the tension seeping out of Lu Han's body. Lu Han sniffs, and he looks at Minseok with soft soft eyes.
The room continues to shrink. Minseok excuses himself after he's sure the other seems better.
"You're not allowed to run off," he says before making his way to the library.
"Cross my heart," Lu Han replies solemnly, crooked smile on his face.
"T-minus two days before lift off," Lu Han says when Minseok walks into the communal bathroom to brush his teeth.
"Stop talking," He grumbles before spitting in the sink. Everyone had decided to go out the night before, they would be officially beginning their assigned positions by the end of the week. They were also making up for the fact that they wouldn't be able to go out for an entire year.
So Minseok has a hangover.
The really awful kind that makes him irritable and angry that every single light is too damn bright. He takes an aspirin and leaves the facility with Lu Han in tow. They end up at what seems to be a mostly deserted mall. Minseok had suggested they take shopping lists, because Sojin had mentioned that everyone be organized. They finish picking up things they'll need rather quick, and Lu Han ends up inviting Minseok to lunch in the food court. They leave when it's dark outside.
There's only one day left, and Minseok calls home for the last time. His mom prays for him, and Minseok's dad tells him how proud he is. He feels homesickness for the people he knows weighing in on him.
There is a full crew gathered around on the day they're to go. Sojin stands off to the side, she's older and interacts with the fourth student going. His name, as Minseok later found out, is Leo Jung. He's soft spoken but polite. Their things have already been put on a separate cargo shuttle. They're going to be transported to a ship just outside of their solar system. The ability to go exoplanet a few years ago is something that would not have been possible. At least not in the span of half a day. They're going to be living close to Alpha Centauri, an entirely different star system than their own.
Lu Han is shaking when they're ushered onto the shuttle. It looks similar to a jet on the inside, just as compact, but with much more leg room. They're not allowed to have any electronics on while they're taking off; it's dangerous to have anything that could interfere with radio signals as they exit the atmosphere.
"I can't believe I haven't been to China in years," Lu Han begins as they're settling in, "but I'm leaving the fucking planet."
"You're leaving the solar system too," Leo chimes in quietly, "you're going all the way I see."
Sojin bursts into nervous laughter, and everyone else joins in too. It helps to lighten the mood, but it doesn't last very long. Before they know it, there's an electronic voice going through safety instructions; the countdown hits zero and Minseok reaches for Lu Han's hand. He gives Minseok a half reckless smile.
He’s just as scared as everyone else.
✶❊✶
There's silence surrounding him, it feels like his body is suspended. Thick warmth enveloping his limbs. This is not like anything he's experienced. Everything is suddenly deafening, quietly surrounding him. Someone is calling his name, but it sounds much too jumbled to be recognizable.
Who is he, what is he.
There's a light, a bright trembling white right in front of him. It glows with a warmth that makes him want to reach towards it. Bright, light, white nostalgia. It smells like nothing, but his skin is beginning to melt off of his bones.
"Minseok, Minseok?"
He remembers, he knows.
Coherency.
His lids are heavy, as if someone has poured lead over the delicate skin, fusing his lashes together. Minseok wrenches his eyes open suddenly, squinting at the bright light being shined directly at him.
"You scared us for a second there, son," A man with graying brown hair says. He's part of the medical staff on the ship, because he had been ushered onto a different shuttle. Minseok figures he's in a medical examination room, because it smells like latex gloves. He’s starting to come back.
"You stopped breathing," Lu Han pops up from behind the doctor, "I almost started crying you, asshole."
Minseok believes him, because Lu Han’s eyes look puffy, and the tip of his nose is red. He feels a pang of guilt. And a twinge of embarrassment.
"Why--" Minseok tries to get up, but he feels a little bit dizzy when he's sitting.
The doctor explains that Minseok must've gone into shock. He had become unconscious while sleeping, something about his body going into survival mode at the last minute. It's terrifying to hear. Minseok has never had any medical troubles, and he almost panics again. They finally let him get up, and Lu Han excitedly tells him that they've already been transferred to the ship. He’s working hard to dispel any tension.
They reach their rooms, Minseok's directly across from Lu Han's. It's nice, like the kind of apartment Minseok can't afford. Everything is pristine and new looking. Incredibly modern.
“You should lie down for a while,” Lu Han says leading him to a neatly made bed.
“But--” Minseok begins to protest. His head kind of hurts, like he’d fallen and hit it, but he wants to go and see what the rest of the ship is like. He hasn’t even had a chance to look outside any of the windows. He feels like he’s inside any other building, and it’s slightly unnerving if he thinks too long about it.
“Stay here, I’ll bring you something to eat. They’re going to be serving dinner soon,” Lu Han says gently pushing Minseok to lie down on his bed. Minseok decides to listen, and he lets the pain medication he was given before they left the doctor’s office wash over him.
Lu Han comes back half an hour later, two other people trailing behind him. It’s Leo and Sojin, holding their plates of food.
“I brought people,” Lu Han announces. He puts down the food, and Minseok figures Lu Han has already had time to check the rooms out, because he pulls out a table from the wall.
“Hi,” Sojin says, “are you feeling better?”
Minseok nods, sitting up, “Yeah, thanks.”
Leo quietly makes his way to the table, “Glad you’re better.”
Lu Han doesn’t let Minseok stand up, he brings a tray over and places the plate of food there. Minseok looks up at him through his hair.
“You’re mothering me,” he teases. Lu Han reaches down, smoothing the hair away softly.
“Eat,” he says before going to sit down. Minseok feels warm, but he begins to eat anyways. It’s delicious, much better than the food had been at the dorms. Sojin takes out a bottle of wine, but she doesn’t let Minseok have any. Leo sneaks him a glass anyway, and Lu Han begins to protest when he realizes Minseok is drinking. The mood is really good, much better than they could’ve hoped for. Everyone finally trickles to their rooms, stuffed and kind of drunk. He can’t tell, but Minseok thinks it must be late anyway.
“What time is it?” Minseok asks Lu Han who’s spread out on the floor. Minseok has yet to leave his room, but he doesn’t feel as antsy as he did a few hours ago.
“Um,” Lu Han rolls onto his stomach and brings his wrist up to look at his watch, “1am….I think.”
“I’m not sleepy,” Minseok groans, “I just wanna burn up some energy.”
“No,” Lu Han whines back at him, “sleep.”
“You can sleep,” Minseok stands up and he feels a little tipsy, alcohol pleasantly running through his body, “I want to explore.”
He slips on his shoes to head out, and he feels Lu Han follow right behind him, tapping his shoulder. Minseok turns around and is met with a smug expression.
“You don’t know where anything is,” Lu Han says holding out a small square device. It looks like a miniature sized tablet, but when Lu Han presses a button, the screen lights up and a map of the ship appears. He presses a second button on the screen this time and it turns into a hologram. Minseok has seen these before, but he’s never used one himself. The image is steady, and doesn’t flicker like it had on the older models he’s seen.
“Where’d you get this?” Minseok asks in awe.
“I actually got it from home,” he says shrugging, “you’ll get one from the staff tomorrow though.”
Minseok decides not to ask anymore questions when Lu Han lets an uncomfortable expression fall across his face. It’s not his business, but he’s still a little thrown off. There have been plenty of instances where Minseok has felt like Lu Han is keeping something from him, but he never likes to push. It’s not like when Lu Han had confessed his fears of flying, this is something much more serious. Minseok doesn’t know if he even wants to know.
He decides to smile.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”
“I’m kind of sleepy--”
Minseok pushes his bottom lip out, “I had a medical scare and you don’t even want to care for me.” He’s hitting a nerve, because he sees how Lu Han perks up slightly. He’s cautious with his teasing.
Still new, still new.
"Fine," Lu Han concedes, "but that means I'll have to spend the night too."
"You can sleep on the floor," Minseok's stomach lurches a little, bringing a hand up to his mouth.
“Come on,” Lu Han says grabbing his arm, “you haven’t gotten used to the gravity here, it’s like seasickness--”
“I’ve never been on a boat,” Minseok replies between deep breaths. His stomach is starting to settle, but he still feels unsteady on his feet. Lu Han urges Minseok to lean on him. He leads Minseok outside of the room, they head down the hall and come upon a glass elevator.
Minseok thinks about Willy Wonka, and he suddenly gets a craving for chocolate. Fleeting. His stomach churns.
Lu Han’s weight against him is warm, stable. Strong, he smells a little of their leftover food. Like sweat too.
"So where are we headed to?" Minseok asks as the elevator pings, waiting for them to input a floor number.
Lu Han just hums, not saying anything. Minseok’s stomach feels weird again, he’s light headed. By the time he exhales, the elevator has pinged again, and the doors open.
Minseok hadn’t even felt the elevator move. Lu Han guides him out of the glass elevator and into a dimly lit hallway. The floor is covered in industrial carpeting, walls a cool pale green. It reminds him of the tender spring onions his mom loves to eat. The hologram in Lu Han’s hand shifts to show their current location.
Minseok always pictured the inside of this and any space station as looking more like the one Zenon lived on in those Disney movies. This is nothing like that. He’s feeling a little better--
“Why are you completely fine?” Minseok asks, studying Lu Han’s face.
“We were given some medicine to help, like that airborne stuff, but you can’t have any,” Lu Han grins, a shit eating grin. Minseok weakly punches him in the arm. Lu Han does the pouting this time, whining about lack of appreciation. They continue down the hall, coming to a stop in what seems to be a lobby area.
It's a wide open space with a large window covered by a screen. There are a few couches around the window, set up as if it was a living room.
"Is this--" Minseok rushes over, but he stumbles. The room begins to spin and his legs are heavy. Lu Han is suddenly next to him, holding him up. He gently guides him to the window, a hand on Minseok's hip. His stomach is warm, hipbone on fire. It burns. Minseok shakes his head, trying to even out his breathing for a completely different reason. His cheeks burn when Lu Han's breathing hits his ear.
"This is an observation area," Lu Han whispers. The screen lifts, and Minseok's skin breaks out into goosebumps. Lu Han's fingertips ghosting down his bare arm, but the view.
The view is breathtaking.
He is overwhelmed, and a loud crashing nostalgic wave hits him. It washes over him, the taste of honeysuckle thick on his tongue. He almost forgets his surroundings.
Minseok isn’t ten, makeshift telescope pressed into his fingers--gone. It’s a memory
“Look,” Lu Han’s gentle voice brings him back, and Minseok’s staring into something he can’t even begin to process.
It’s overpowering, all consuming darkness, but there are hundreds upon thousands--millions of stars in the distance. He’s trembling when in their orbit enters a comet, he can see the Sun. Minseok sees the swarms of space dust, but the neverending black of the universe is what he realizes scares him.
He suddenly feels a need to go back home.
“It’s kind of scary,” Lu Han admits, “I--” He trails off. Minseok sucks in a shuddering breath. Everything is all too real, and the romance of this profound place, something that exists. He's shaking.
"Vertigo," Minseok says steadying himself, pressing too far back into Lu Han. A hand on the glass. He expects to be pushed gently so that he's standing, even just a little. Lu Han presses in instead; Lu Han is acting as a pillar to Minseok. His back pressing into him.
Minseok feels fluttery.
"Let's go sit down," Lu Han says taking his hand, "you need some water."
Lu Han probably thinks that Minseok is only clammy, because he's overwhelmed by the view. He doesn't realize how he's slowly affecting Minseok.
Minseok himself tries to dispel the odd feeling. He's probably reacting to suddenly being in a new place, or the difference in gravity. His head hurts.
"Where to next?" He asks Lu Han. There are worry lines creasing his face, the beginnings of crow's feet around his eyes, crinkling.
Minseok reassures that he's alright, really.
A hand on the other's upper arm. The gesture is almost too stiff.
"Show me something else," he says, putting a lot of energy into his smile.
Minseok ends up finding out that the small agriculture office, and the synthetic field of bright green grass are his favorite things. Outside of the office he's been promised, of course. Lu Han shows him how they're trying to develop the growth of vegetation on Mars. On new planets they're trying to find.
Minseok's head finally hits his pillow a few hours later, dirt under his nails. He didn't think being light years away would make him suddenly appreciate something as simple as this.
"The amazing thing is," Lu Han had said, eyes shining bright, "is that we all come from the same things. The same substance, our basic needs are the same. We were created so long ago--"
And Minseok realizes foggily, that maybe this aching feeling, is just a basic need too.
He can't though.
"No," he says turning to his side.
"No what?" Lu Han's quiet voice asks. He had acted upon his earlier demand to sleep on Minseok's floor.
But Minseok's already fast asleep.
✶❊✶
Time is regulated so that their bodies are monitored by a twenty four hour time frame each day. The first few days, they're allowed to wander around freely. The days stay the same, and they have the weekends to do what they want. There are enough people on the ship to constitute it as a small town, everyone knows everyone, but you don't get tired of it.
The first few months pass easily, they each have their own routines; school, work, alone time, and socializing. There are days when Minseok goes through his own schedule, but will leave for independent study. He goes to the observatory and writes down everything.
He observes, skin still tingling like it had that first day. Minseok doesn’t think he’ll ever really get over the sight, but he always finds himself putting in the coordinates to locate Earth.
Lu Han will sometimes wander in, sitting, not saying anything as he reads or draws in a small notebook. His department focuses on developing agriculture based outside of Earth. They’ve been testing and cataloguing different seeds recently. Lu Han always likes to pocket a few to show Minseok. He gets excited, pointing out how they’ll grow.
He had come in a few days ago covered in bee stings. Minseok had felt bad for him. Gingerly applying some oatmeal based ointment.
Minseok's been sitting in the same position for almost an hour, leg asleep, he gets up and jumps up and down for while. Lu Han would have made fun of him by now, but he continues to draw. Eyebrows furrowed.
"Whatcha drawing?" Minseok asks, walking closer. It feels like thousands of needles are being pressed into his leg.
"Flowers," Lu Han says, "constellations."
There are single sketches covering his paper, diagrams of the stars as the backdrop to the curling flowers. Delicate petals.
"I miss home," Lu Han whispers this time around, "there are some plant species they've been thinking may have come directly from a planet outside of our solar system, new ones."
Minseok hums, he's heard that theory before, plants having been pollinated, but only being able to thrive on Earth. Or in greenhouses.
"You learn anything new?" Lu Han asks, diverting the conversation. Minseok has realized that the closer he feels himself getting to Lu Han, the more he avoids, less he reveals. It's almost unsettling, almost but not quite. Minseok tries to understand.
His mom always taught him to be patient.
Minseok gestures for Lu Han to follow him, the telescope set up in this small observation room is worth millions of dollars, and that always makes him nervous. He sits Lu Han on the stool, fixing the height and the magnitude of the telescope. He gently places it near Lu Han's face. His hand brushes the swell of the other's cheek. There's a light coloring that dusts the tops of Lu Han's cheeks when it happens.
"Earth?"
"Yes, now," and Minseok changes the telescope again, "it's a little star cluster I found a few days ago. It hasn't been documented yet, so I can name it whatever I want," Minseok says.
"Name it after me," Lu Han says smiling up at him. Perfect small nose sloping in a way that makes Minseok look away. He's joking, but Minseok would consider.
"Never," he laughs instead.
A white lie. Really. He would definitely.
And it’s easy, easy.
Because Lu Han looks away, biting down a smile.
Minseok eats lunch with Sojin. She's always trailing behind quiet Leo, urging him to eat better. They’re a two for one deal, because they happen to be in the same engineering department so they're always near one another. Whispering about something.
Lu Han sometimes eats with them. Some people in his department speak Mandarin, and he's confessed to missing his native tongue. Minseok understands. He knows not to be jealous; emotions are something that cannot be helped sometimes.
They’ll usually play soccer together, the four of them, two against two. Lu Han and Leo are the two most closely matched in skill. Sojin is a force to be reckoned with, and maybe that's why they beat him and Lu Han. Minseok pretends to bicker with Lu Han, Leo watching with a delighted look on his face. Sojin teases them, calling them cute.
Any other time Minseok would quiet down, shyly look away. But he bumps Lu Han with his shoulder, forcing them to catch each other's eye.
And his words settle a little too thickly onto his tongue.
"I'm glad you exist," Minseok mumbles, clumsily, when they're walking back to their rooms. Its unspoken agreement that they go their separate ways sometimes. Too much contact is stressful, and Minseok likes to cherish the moments he spends in anyone's company.
Over saturation is cause for irritability.
He's never gotten into a real argument with Lu Han anyway, but they bicker every once in a while. They’re honest when needed, and Minseok is happy to have that connection.
"Me too," Lu Han replies, but it seems like an almost confession. And Minseok doesn't know if that's what he's actually looking for. If this is what he wants out of this. He’s unsurety, probably misguided feelings.
He smiles, ducking into his room, and he relaxes when he hears the sound of Lu Han's door closing too.
Heart hammering away at his rib cage.
Lu Han's gravitational pull becomes stronger and stronger with the passing days.
It just happens to be that Minseok is vibrating, core thrumming.
✶❊✶
Part II
rating:nc17
length:20060
warnings:sex, character experiencing panic attack, character losing consciousness, instance where character is hurt (mild), alcohol use, inaccurate information about astronomy and space travel
summary:it's a fleeting flashing ray of light, a magnificent coincidence.
a/n: originally written/posted for theluminations here. minor editing was done. credit title to zoe's 'la via láctea'.
at the end,
gold stardust and pink finger tips,
a streak across the universe
it’s a wrinkle in time, almost
a second of life
brief,
but it flashes brightly,
pulsates with a ferocious determination
to completely and wholly,
not consume really,
but melt down,
Evanesce
with a fizzing soothing almost undetectable sound into
gentle bones,
atoms of an ephemeral existence,
It becomes the most gratifying
tilting of lips and flashing of teeth.
It's a way to catapult deep into the unknown with open arms
and fall deep deep deep into the briefest of moments.
it’s not the end or the beginning,
it’s an eternal cycle of what-could-have-beens
meeting by chance.
✶❊✶
Minseok is five, small body securely strapped into his dad’s truck, green backpack on top of his knees. The windows are rolled all the way down, a gentle spring breeze ruffles the hair that sticks out from under his Bugs Bunny baseball cap. His dad is humming along to the radio, fingers tapping on the steering wheel as they wait at the stoplight.
“Today NASA will be launching a spacecraft--” The announcer on the radio says after stating the time, date, and traffic conditions. The small boy perks up, kicking his legs as he joins in on the countdown. He gasps when the light turns green, having reached one.
“And blast off!” His dad chances a smile at him, Minseok returns it, twice as bright.
It’s April, 1995, and as Minseok sits in class, completely enthralled in his drawing, he decides to go to outer space one day too.
“Daddy!” Minseok greets his father after school, noticing the light dusting of white on his hair. The overalls he wears to work are worn down, the safety helmet a dull yellow today.
“Hi Minnie,” He straightens the hat precariously perched on his son’s head.
“I want to go to space,” Minseok says, pulling his backpack off as he climbs into the passenger seat of the truck.
“Yeah?” He straps Minseok in, “And when did you decide that?” The engine sputters twice, finally roaring to life after it warms up. Minseok kicks his legs, one of the laces comes loose.
“Today,” He pauses, small face taking on a serious look, “Do you think I can do it?”
“Of course,” His father’s face reminds Minseok of the sandbox at school. Deep lines already marked on the tan skin. He’s really young, but there’s a lifetime that spreads between him and his son.
“You can do anything you set your mind to. You’re a smart boy.”
Minseok’s eyes turn into small crescents, chest filling with pride from his father’s words. He promises to make his dad proud.
He announces his decision again later, Minseok’s mother rewards him a wide smile.
“Of course baby,” She pats his head, her hair tickles his forehead when he leans in to let her place a kiss on his cheek. Minseok thinks she’s the prettiest person in the world. Her eyes curve the same way as his. She’s lying down on the bed, room dark. She always takes a nap after coming home from work. She sometimes complains that her back aches too much.
Minseok is usually careful to not make too much noise, but he was vibrating with excitement so he came, he had to tell his mom the news.
“Mama,” His voice is serious now pausing in the doorway, “Daddy says you have to rest, okay?”
She nods, smiling softly, “Tell your daddy to wash up, we’ll eat dinner when I get up.”
He obediently relays the message to his dad, and then proceeds to take his books out of his backpack. Minseok does him homework, and when he finishes up, quietly grabs his toys to play with. He pretends a plastic water bottle is a space shuttle, imagines himself inside, taking off towards the stars.
Minseok’s English is a lot less shaky, and any trace of an accent is gone now that he’s older. It’s 1999.
Despite the chilly air, he’s only wearing a light sweater, holding his mom’s hand as they walk down to the laundromat.
Saturday is laundry day.
What makes this day so special is, it means they’ll buy snacks on the way home from the international market on their block.
Minseok helps load clothing into two washing machines, inserting the coins into the slots. He watches through the glass as it fills with water, the clothes swirling around. His favorite part is when everything turns sudsy, colors melding together. Minseok wanders around, weaving between the rows of rumbling dryers. His sneakers squeak against the linoleum, but when his foot kicks something, Minseok thinks it must be his lucky day. He picks up the wadded green, spreading it out. He smiles at the stoic face of George Washington staring back at him.
When they’re at the market later, hauling the laundry baskets full of warm clean clothes, something catches Minseok’s eye. He immediately picks up the glossy magazine, a National Geographic sporting an image of the space shuttle, Discovery. He runs his fingers over the cover, the cold slick paper holding a certain amount of heaviness in his hands. He puts the jelly candy he was going to get back.
“Mama,” He holds the magazine out, “can I get this?”
“Sure,” She drops a bag of rice into the basket.
But when they’re checking out, his mom realizes she didn't bring enough money. She pats herself down, searching for any spare cash. Minseok fingers the wrinkly dollar bill in his pocket; he hands it to her proudly, feeling like a lifesaver when she smiles, relieved.
“You’re always such a good boy,” she smiles after they’ve had lunch, back at home, they’re folding the laundry. When Minseok was younger, he would fall asleep after making a nest of his clean socks and shirts. He stays awake now, instead hunting for socks to pair up.
He goes to sleep that night, easily floating off to dream as he counts the stars on his ceiling.
✶❊✶
It smells like damp Earth, firefly season is here. The sky is so vast, and Minseok, so so small.
He is a speck, in a field, and there are hundreds of stars.
One falls before him, and Minseok is rushing towards it. Reaching out with small hands, but he falls. Tall grass cushioning his fall as he tumbles into an opening. A warm glow, pulsating in colors or orange, yellow, and muted red.
It expands in a hot flashing light.
Gold dust rains down, coating everything.
He is enveloped in warmth.
A beautiful, comforting glow.
✶❊✶
Minseok is sitting in his kitchen, his bare foot poking at the speckled tiles. He holds the phone to his ear, twisting the coil around and around. He notices too late that he’s cutting the circulation off of his hand. He lets it go, and it springs neatly back into place.
Static crackles over the phone, he’s in between jobs so he can’t afford a cellphone at the moment, but what does it matter when he has free international calling on his home phone anyway?
“Honey,” his mom’s tired voice comes onto the phone, “how are you?”
“Good,” he says, “I’m doing alright. How are things going for you?”She launches into a short story of an ahjussi with a yippy dog that insisted on being carried into the store. He had taken more than an hour to pick out toilet paper. Minseok chuckles, enjoying the light laughter coming from his mom. Even if it crackles.
“And how’s dad,” he asks, “still cycling?”
The pause that comes next worries Minseok.
“He’s good, but you know how bad his back hurts him--”
When people ask Minseok what his parents are like--he always answers with a knot in his throat. He tells them they’re good people, hard workers, but they went back to Korea. A family business was waiting for them, and the money they made here, hard earned as it was, allows them to live comfortably now. Better than before.
Minseok had opted to stay, as much as it killed him that is. University and a part time job kept him rooted here, but now--
“Mama,” He sucks in a deep breath, “I’m thinking of dropping out of school.”
“But why? Why would you do that--” She begins to drive herself into a sort of panic, and Minseok has learned over the years let her reach the end before answering.
He finally hangs up after his father comes to talk him out of dropping out of college too. He's much more gentle, there's less bite in his words, and that’s the most reassuring, the safest way to know that Minseok--at least can have some time to think.
He thinks about it at night, staring up at the mobile he has hanging over his bed, the one that won him first prize in the eighth grade science fair, the same one that somehow locked in his dream to becoming an astronomer. It wasn't until he was in high school that he gave up on the idea of possibly actually travelling into outer space. That was when he began to look into his dream as an actual career.
He turns over in bed, trying to determine if he has any clean slacks without rummaging in his closet. Minseok doesn't know if he can continue to really go to school. Something that he didn't want to tell his parents was how expensive it actually is to go to university. This is something he's been keeping to himself. His scholarships and grant money won't cover all of the costs in his particular program; he's overheard a lot of the others in his department express their fears with continuing school. He knows that he isn't the only one.
Isn’t sure if it’s worth it anymore.
Minseok shows up half an hour late to the career center at his university; he's supposed to be meeting with an advisor to set up an interview for a paid internship. This doesn't look good, but he hopes the advisor takes pity on him when they see that Minseok had tried to come well prepared, but his soggy clothes were a direct cause from missing the bus. Missing the bus, catching a late bus, and then ending up having to walk a mile to campus.
Minseok is having a pretty shitty day, and he honestly wants to give up, go back to bed, and probably just drop out of school now.
But here he is. Better late than never.
"Minseok Kim?" The advisor looks up at him when he knocks before entering her office. She's probably in her late fifties, and she's plump in a pleasant way. Her blue eyes are framed by wrinkled skin.
"Hi," Minseok cringes when he hears the wet soggy sound his shoes make when he walks inside. He places his backpack down with a thunk. He's glad that he had decided to leave his laptop at home.
He really can't afford water damage.
"I was beginning to get worried that you weren't going to make it, please sit down," She says smiling. This is the first time Minseok has met with Professor Alazar, and he's infinitely grateful to whatever entity has made it so that she isn't angry. She hands him a few paper towels to help him dry off; she even goes as far as to offer him a cup of coffee from the small electric pot she keeps in her office.
He accepts it gratefully, the wet clothes turning cold against his skin. He spends the next hour filling out paperwork, and she asks him general questions as he does so.
"So, Minseok," She pronounces his name incorrectly again.
"It's actually, Minseok," He enunciates, "it's a little difficult to say."
She thanks him and continues with what she was saying, pulling out a flier from out of one of the folders on her desk.
"There's a space program that is currently looking for students to participate in a sort of exchange program."
Minseok looks at her quizzically, "An exchange program?"
"Yes, and everything will be the same. The tuition will be the same as what you pay now, so you don't have to worry about a thing, but there's a bit of a catch. You can either go onto and work at one of their offices, or you can be screened to go onto one of the spacecrafts they're going to be launching."
Minseok quickly closes his mouth, "Go into outer space? How is that even possible?"
She hands him the flier, pointing out what needs to be done, and the initial process of application.
"You'll be paid to work either way, so you won't have to worry about any extra expenses. You'll be taking the rest of your required upper division courses on location or on the ship. There are quite a few professors going from across the country."
"And this is a year long program?"
"Yes, an entire year, as in twelve months."
Minseok bites his lip, wiggling his toes inside his shoe. He still wants to go home, if only to change his wet socks. He’ll technically miss his graduation.
"I've been reviewing your records Minseok. Not only are you a good student, but you're a first generation college student. You're a shoo in for this program. Not to mention this would be a wonderful experience for you."
Minseok nods, thanking her for her help. She gives him a few more applications for a couple of other internships. None of them are as amazing at the one he's holding the flier for. She also makes sure to give him scholarships to apply for. Minseok's mind is already working ahead for what this implies. He decides to seriously think about it, taking the advisor's words into account. To heart.
Minseok waves his hand in front of him, clearing the hookah smoke from his immediate space.
"Why can't we hang out at somewhere else," Amber groans from beside him, "Why must I suffer."
Dongwoo inhales more of the hookah, passing it to Minseok. He doesn't usually smoke, but he does this time around.
"Because my apartment is dirty, and last time I checked, no one forced you to come," Dongwoo replies with a wide smile.
"I was going to invite you guys to mine, but someone puked on my bathroom floor last time and ate all of my food," Minseok looks pointedly at Dongwoo beside him.
"You must have me mistaken with someone else."
Amber rolls her eyes in unison with Minseok.
"So any luck with that guy you were talking to?" Minseok asks trying to make conversation.
"Yeah, I don't know, I lost interest," she looks at him, "how'd your meeting with the career center people go, any luck?"
Minseok reluctantly lets them know what the advisor had told him, detailing the space program he's thinking about applying for. They both seem a little surprised, in awe.
"So space, huh?" Dongwoo is slumped on the table, sleepily lolling his head, "I think you should try for the actual going to space part." Amber nods in agreement.
Minseok cocks his head, reaching for the bubble tea on his table. “You think so?” They nod again, overwhelming him with words of encouragement, and Minseok considers it.
It’s a week later after his meeting, and Minseok finds himself in a convenience store in the middle of the night. He had woken up, as if startled from sleep; Minseok can only remember bits and pieces of the dream he had been having.
There had been an explosion, something sharp had nicked his face, but when he thinks about it now, hand brushing his cheek, he can’t feel a thing.
Just a dream, just a dream.
The fluorescent lighting of the convenience store makes him squint at the labels of the ice cream in the freezer section, but Minseok's stomach isn't up for the dairy anymore if he's being honest. He turns down another aisle, instead picking up a box of sleepytime tea. The bear on the front of the box looks incredibly peaceful, and he finds himself jealous. Minseok sighs, shuffling to the checkout counter.
"Will this be all?" The clerk says eyeing the lone box of tea he's placed on the counter.
"Yeah--" Minseok spots the magazine rack strategically placed to the side, and his eyes gravitate to the one proudly showcasing the Hubble space telescope on the front. "Actually," he smiles, "I'll take this too."
Back at home Minseok pores over the magazine, twenty five years of stunning image after image slide between his fingers on the glossy pages. It's incredible, all of it, the vastness and the beauty. The explosion of colors on the last image leave him almost breathless. Hundreds upon thousands of stars dot the photograph. There's a pleasant buzzing, the rising of goosebumps that cover the surface of his skin--Minseok doesn't know, but he wants to feel this more. If this is how he feels after just looking at an image, how would he feel after experiencing it first hand?
Minseok pours steaming water into a mug, and after ripping the packaging open, he sets a tea bag inside to steep inside.
"Sleepytime," Minseok mumbles to himself, feeling his eyelids begin to droop, "sleepytime indeed."
"So what are you doing?" Dongwoo is standing in the doorway of Minseok's bedroom, hands settled deep inside of his pockets.
"Cleaning," Minseok huffs dumping clothes onto his bed, "I'm going to get rid of what I don't need or can't bring with me."
Dongwoo hums, eyes following him around the room. Minseok stands up straight, putting his hands on his hips, "I thought you came to help."
"In theory," Dongwoo's mouth curls a little, "But you seem to be doing a good job?"
Minseok groans, "You're a terrible best friend."
"I can help clean out your fridge."
"There's barely anything left, just a few cans of beer, some meat and--"
"Sounds like my kind of cleaning!" Dongwoo laughs, that awful loud laugh of his. It's warm, and it fills Minseok's now mostly empty apartment to the brim. Minseok can't help but find himself laughing too.
Dongwoo relents, and Minseok ends up with three different piles. There's the ‘things to put in storage’, ‘things to give away’, and the ‘things to take’. The pile with things Minseok will take with him is significantly smaller than he expected, and he's to be leaving for the east coast in a few days. The process to apply for this internship had been grueling, but after meeting with a representative of the program, Minseok had passed the initial process with flying colors. He won't pretend like he isn't nervous, his hands haven't stopped shaking in weeks, but he's also exuberant.
Amber comes by a few hours later with two boxes of pizza and spicy buffalo wings. She bursts through the door, blonde hair ruffled under her snapback.
"I've come to save the day," she declares placing everything on the kitchen counter, "Except, Dongwoo can only eat if he doesn't talk too much."
"I'm sure the food can keep his mouth busy," Minseok opens one of the boxes, blowing on a slice before devouring the entire piece in four bites. He hadn't realized how hungry he had been this entire time.
"So guess what," Amber's grinning, "I stopped talking to that guy, and I have a date with one of his friends."
Minseok is only kind of stunned, but he's relieved Amber has moved on to someone else. The last guy had been dragging his feet, and he had seemed to be hurting her too much.
"So who's the new guy?" Dongwoo says with half a chicken wing in his mouth.
"Actually it's a girl."
They're both quiet, but Dongwoo breaks the silence first.
"We have to meet her before Minseok leaves," Dongwoo turns towards him, "Right Min?"
"Of course," Minseok grins around another bite. He's going to miss this much more than he had realized, but he swallows down the lump that is starting to form in his throat with a swig from Amber's beer. They pass out sometime around midnight in Minseok's living room. He worries that homesickness will get the best of him. He makes a fuzzy mental note to call home before his departure.
When Minseok had been first accepted into the program, he had immediately called his parents. He hadn't gotten an answer from the program advisor until a month later, so it had come as a bit of a surprise. His parents had been overjoyed, all but whooping and hollering over the telephone line. Minseok's friends had thrown him a party in celebration of his acceptance. Everyone seemed to be rooting for him, and it was an almost pressure, but Minseok found himself also cheering. This was his childhood dream becoming reality, manifesting itself in a completely different way. But all too real.
✶❊✶
Minseok's first few days at the space center have him experiencing small amounts of deja vu.
It’s like starting university all over again, complete with being placed in dorms and everything. Minseok gets a room to himself, something about leaving space for those placed on a waiting list for the program. Those that were close to making it, but hadn't for one reason or another. He's only a little bit disappointed he's alone, because something about forced cohabitation makes for good friendship building. Or enemy making.
It’s all about the attitude, right? Glass half full instead of half empty.
The first week at the facility is used for orientation, some people can get a feel of what might be to come. There are twenty of them, and that’s when it hits Minseok just how elite this is. Just how lucky he is to be occupying the desk he’s in. They’re split into two groups of ten on the second day, and they’re supposed to fill out paperwork. Medical histories, a Myer’s Briggs test, a fact sheet about himself and Minseok is left feeling more like he’s signing up for a dating site.
“What’s the point of this,” A guy sitting next to him mumbles when they’ve been sitting for a while.
"It's a psychology thing?" Minseok replies automatically. He doesn't bother looking up to see who the owner of the voice is.
"Yeah," they sigh.
Minseok keeps bubbling answers, he isn't the type to put down fake ones just because. The only physical pain he's currently suffering from is of the wooden pencil biting into the skin of his hand. So it wouldn't necessarily kill him to put effort into the questionnaires.
He puts the pencil down when he finishes a page and stretches his hand in an effort to relieve the cramping.
"Tiring huh?" The same guy asks. Minseok finally looks up, and he's met with soft dark eyes, heavy lashes, and a mop of caramel brown hair in disarray.
"Yeah," Minseok replies easily, "you?" This same person is hunched over their desk, clothes completely rumpled. They tug on one of their earlobes before sitting up.
"I'm excited to be here and all, especially after the whole 'being put on a waiting list thing', but I just want to sleep," he finishes with a groan, "I'm Han Lu by the way."
"I'm Minseok Kim."
They both get back to work after exchanging a few more pleasantries.
Minseok decides to head back to his dorm after lunch. He had tried to look for Han Lu, but he was no where to be found. When he opens the door to his dorm, he almost cries out. It's as if a tornado has blown through, hurricane, or maybe a typhoon. But it's none of these things, there's a person lying in a nest of clothes the bed opposite of Minseok's. He gets closer and recognizes it as the person he had just been looking for. He grins, maybe they're supposed to be roommates now. Minseok tries to carefully put the guy's stuff neatly onto his side, and he collapses onto his own bed. He feels drained even though he hasn't done much of anything the past two days. It must be more or less emotional exhaustion.
Minseok wakes a little later to soft music, and the windows in his dorm are navy blue. How long did he manage to sleep?
"I think fate has brought us together again," a voice teases. Minseok dimly remembers seeing that he now had a roommate before passing out. He rolls onto his side so that he's facing the other bed.
"Hey," Minseok says sitting up, "you were asleep when I came in so I did the same thing. Took a nap I mean."
"I'm glad you weren't freaked out, I introduced myself earlier, but,” He pauses scratching his head, “you can call me Lu Han. I think it sounds better."
Minseok finds out that Lu Han had just come in that morning, which is why he had probably not moved into the dorm until lunchtime. They're to be here for about a month, one week of orientation, two weeks of training, and one week to prepare for their destinations. It's still only the very beginning, and Lu Han voices his worries. He had been placed on the waiting list, but he was the only one allowed in.
"Something about even numbers," Lu Han laughs when explaining. Minseok likes him a lot. He's easy to talk to, and like him, he's the product of his parents' hope and dreams. Another kid trying to navigate a world that isn't too kind to the diasporic experience.
He's a glass half full kind of person. Minseok has hope.
The training period turns out to be hell on Earth.
"We can't go easy on you all," one of the instructors says for the hundredth time that week alone, "We have to be sure of who can tough it out in space. It's a year long trip on a spacecraft. We can't really take any chances."
Minseok knows she's right, but his body is screaming out in pain. His brain feels like it's going to melt and trickle out of his ears, he wants to give up.
"This is great," A guy named Joonmyun Kim says, he's really tough even though he doesn’t look it. He's working on one of the simulators, the same one that Lu Han had previously been working on. Despite being naturally good at everything, Joonmyun doesn't really care whether or not he gets to go into space. He's more of the 'what happens happens' person, and Minseok finds himself admiring him. Unlike him though, Minseok has his heart set on travelling. He really feels like he can make it, and that pushes him to try harder. Lu Han is the same way. He's right alongside Minseok and does everything to the best of his abilities. Even if he suffers from crushing anxiety when they simulate a take off.
“I’m actually bad on planes,” he confides later that day. They’re in the cafeteria, just the two of them sitting together with bowls of corn chowder. Lu Han likes to drink soda, and Minseok had asked for a coke, but really that meant a sprite.
“I haven’t been to China in years because of the flight,” he continues. Lu Han was born there, Beijing, but his family had left when his dad had transferred positions at his job. Their experiences similar, but not quite the same when looking into the circumstances of their parents’ migration. Why they’re sitting right here, right now.
The tiny details that set them apart. Its apparent in the clothes Lu Han wears, and the way he discusses his childhood in brief snippets of conversation.
Minseok remembers the deep running lines in his father’s hands, deeper than the laugh lines around his mouth.
It doesn’t work to sever their connection, if anything, Minseok feels the gap between himself and Lu Han closing everyday.
Their training is over as fast as it began. Minseok is too tired to celebrate, but he’s awake bright and early on Sunday morning. He’s successfully hauling Lu Han out of bed when there’s an announcement being made for everyone to head down to the ballroom. Lu Han is stumbling and grumbling behind Minseok and into a seat. He’s mumbling about Minseok being gentler next time.
“You hit me,” Minseok repeats himself.
“I was asleep,” Lu Han hisses. He’s going to continue, but then the program director walks to the front of the room. There's a projector already humming in the background. He opens the ceremony with a joke that flops, and he launches into some brief history of the space program. Minseok notices for the first time that there happen to be a few people taking pictures. He rubs at his drooping eyes. He reaches over to smooth down a cowlick on Lu Han's head before settling into his seat again. Minseok is restless by the time the director finally gets to the important part.
"Today," he says standing straighter, "we will be announcing the results to everyone's training over the past two weeks. I know it was a tumultuous two weeks for everyone, and we're proud of all of you--"
Minseok can't hear the rest, because next thing he knows, Lu Han is fully awake, whooping and hollering beside him. Lu Han presses a warm wet kiss on his cheek, but Minseok can't do anything but sit there. They’re ushered to the front, flashing cameras blinding as people shake their hands.
Minseok and Lu Han are going into space.
They're quiet on their way back to their room, but Minseok changes their direction when he hears Lu Han's stomach growling. His body feels numb in a sort of pleasant way, but his left cheek is tingling in an odd not unpleasant way.
They're not the only ones going, there are three other people who were also chosen. Joonmyun was one of them, but he had requested they let him stay on site to work here instead right after the ceremony. That leaves only four out of the originally chosen five, and Minseok only knows Sojin, the engineering student. The last person must be the guy Lu Han had been talking to a few days ago. Minseok can't ever seem to remember his name. In the cafeteria area, people come up to congratulate them, a few of the staff members wish them luck. Tomorrow they're going to be getting ready to leave, because next week everything begins.
It suddenly hits Minseok, like a punch to his chest, the wind is knocked out of him. His life is about to change. He won't be part of life on Earth. Everything, everything will be different. An ocean apart from his family is incomparable to being light years away. They're to travel exoplanet, they're to be millions upon thousands of miles away. It's terrifying, exhilarating.
"Lu Han are you okay?" Minseok asks from the doorway to their room. Lu Han has been much quieter over the past few days. His entire demeanor completely different than it had been at the ceremony.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” He says in a voice so small, Minseok finds himself walking over immediately. Their friendship is still new. There are boundaries neither crosses, and that leaves Minseok hovering awkwardly where Lu Han is sitting on his bed.
"Why the sudden change?" Minseok tries asking gently, he hesitantly places his hand lightly on Lu Han's shoulder.
"I was just thinking how it's kind of a really big deal?" He says finally looking up. Minseok notices the slight puffiness under Lu Han's eyes. It feels like the room is suddenly too small.
"Well," Minseok finally responds, "it is. But you've worked hard for this Lu."
"I'm just being really..." He trails off, "I'm--" He huffs, blowing his hair out of his face. "It's kind of crazy, huh?"
Minseok nods, and he feels the tension seeping out of Lu Han's body. Lu Han sniffs, and he looks at Minseok with soft soft eyes.
The room continues to shrink. Minseok excuses himself after he's sure the other seems better.
"You're not allowed to run off," he says before making his way to the library.
"Cross my heart," Lu Han replies solemnly, crooked smile on his face.
"T-minus two days before lift off," Lu Han says when Minseok walks into the communal bathroom to brush his teeth.
"Stop talking," He grumbles before spitting in the sink. Everyone had decided to go out the night before, they would be officially beginning their assigned positions by the end of the week. They were also making up for the fact that they wouldn't be able to go out for an entire year.
So Minseok has a hangover.
The really awful kind that makes him irritable and angry that every single light is too damn bright. He takes an aspirin and leaves the facility with Lu Han in tow. They end up at what seems to be a mostly deserted mall. Minseok had suggested they take shopping lists, because Sojin had mentioned that everyone be organized. They finish picking up things they'll need rather quick, and Lu Han ends up inviting Minseok to lunch in the food court. They leave when it's dark outside.
There's only one day left, and Minseok calls home for the last time. His mom prays for him, and Minseok's dad tells him how proud he is. He feels homesickness for the people he knows weighing in on him.
There is a full crew gathered around on the day they're to go. Sojin stands off to the side, she's older and interacts with the fourth student going. His name, as Minseok later found out, is Leo Jung. He's soft spoken but polite. Their things have already been put on a separate cargo shuttle. They're going to be transported to a ship just outside of their solar system. The ability to go exoplanet a few years ago is something that would not have been possible. At least not in the span of half a day. They're going to be living close to Alpha Centauri, an entirely different star system than their own.
Lu Han is shaking when they're ushered onto the shuttle. It looks similar to a jet on the inside, just as compact, but with much more leg room. They're not allowed to have any electronics on while they're taking off; it's dangerous to have anything that could interfere with radio signals as they exit the atmosphere.
"I can't believe I haven't been to China in years," Lu Han begins as they're settling in, "but I'm leaving the fucking planet."
"You're leaving the solar system too," Leo chimes in quietly, "you're going all the way I see."
Sojin bursts into nervous laughter, and everyone else joins in too. It helps to lighten the mood, but it doesn't last very long. Before they know it, there's an electronic voice going through safety instructions; the countdown hits zero and Minseok reaches for Lu Han's hand. He gives Minseok a half reckless smile.
He’s just as scared as everyone else.
✶❊✶
There's silence surrounding him, it feels like his body is suspended. Thick warmth enveloping his limbs. This is not like anything he's experienced. Everything is suddenly deafening, quietly surrounding him. Someone is calling his name, but it sounds much too jumbled to be recognizable.
Who is he, what is he.
There's a light, a bright trembling white right in front of him. It glows with a warmth that makes him want to reach towards it. Bright, light, white nostalgia. It smells like nothing, but his skin is beginning to melt off of his bones.
"Minseok, Minseok?"
He remembers, he knows.
Coherency.
His lids are heavy, as if someone has poured lead over the delicate skin, fusing his lashes together. Minseok wrenches his eyes open suddenly, squinting at the bright light being shined directly at him.
"You scared us for a second there, son," A man with graying brown hair says. He's part of the medical staff on the ship, because he had been ushered onto a different shuttle. Minseok figures he's in a medical examination room, because it smells like latex gloves. He’s starting to come back.
"You stopped breathing," Lu Han pops up from behind the doctor, "I almost started crying you, asshole."
Minseok believes him, because Lu Han’s eyes look puffy, and the tip of his nose is red. He feels a pang of guilt. And a twinge of embarrassment.
"Why--" Minseok tries to get up, but he feels a little bit dizzy when he's sitting.
The doctor explains that Minseok must've gone into shock. He had become unconscious while sleeping, something about his body going into survival mode at the last minute. It's terrifying to hear. Minseok has never had any medical troubles, and he almost panics again. They finally let him get up, and Lu Han excitedly tells him that they've already been transferred to the ship. He’s working hard to dispel any tension.
They reach their rooms, Minseok's directly across from Lu Han's. It's nice, like the kind of apartment Minseok can't afford. Everything is pristine and new looking. Incredibly modern.
“You should lie down for a while,” Lu Han says leading him to a neatly made bed.
“But--” Minseok begins to protest. His head kind of hurts, like he’d fallen and hit it, but he wants to go and see what the rest of the ship is like. He hasn’t even had a chance to look outside any of the windows. He feels like he’s inside any other building, and it’s slightly unnerving if he thinks too long about it.
“Stay here, I’ll bring you something to eat. They’re going to be serving dinner soon,” Lu Han says gently pushing Minseok to lie down on his bed. Minseok decides to listen, and he lets the pain medication he was given before they left the doctor’s office wash over him.
Lu Han comes back half an hour later, two other people trailing behind him. It’s Leo and Sojin, holding their plates of food.
“I brought people,” Lu Han announces. He puts down the food, and Minseok figures Lu Han has already had time to check the rooms out, because he pulls out a table from the wall.
“Hi,” Sojin says, “are you feeling better?”
Minseok nods, sitting up, “Yeah, thanks.”
Leo quietly makes his way to the table, “Glad you’re better.”
Lu Han doesn’t let Minseok stand up, he brings a tray over and places the plate of food there. Minseok looks up at him through his hair.
“You’re mothering me,” he teases. Lu Han reaches down, smoothing the hair away softly.
“Eat,” he says before going to sit down. Minseok feels warm, but he begins to eat anyways. It’s delicious, much better than the food had been at the dorms. Sojin takes out a bottle of wine, but she doesn’t let Minseok have any. Leo sneaks him a glass anyway, and Lu Han begins to protest when he realizes Minseok is drinking. The mood is really good, much better than they could’ve hoped for. Everyone finally trickles to their rooms, stuffed and kind of drunk. He can’t tell, but Minseok thinks it must be late anyway.
“What time is it?” Minseok asks Lu Han who’s spread out on the floor. Minseok has yet to leave his room, but he doesn’t feel as antsy as he did a few hours ago.
“Um,” Lu Han rolls onto his stomach and brings his wrist up to look at his watch, “1am….I think.”
“I’m not sleepy,” Minseok groans, “I just wanna burn up some energy.”
“No,” Lu Han whines back at him, “sleep.”
“You can sleep,” Minseok stands up and he feels a little tipsy, alcohol pleasantly running through his body, “I want to explore.”
He slips on his shoes to head out, and he feels Lu Han follow right behind him, tapping his shoulder. Minseok turns around and is met with a smug expression.
“You don’t know where anything is,” Lu Han says holding out a small square device. It looks like a miniature sized tablet, but when Lu Han presses a button, the screen lights up and a map of the ship appears. He presses a second button on the screen this time and it turns into a hologram. Minseok has seen these before, but he’s never used one himself. The image is steady, and doesn’t flicker like it had on the older models he’s seen.
“Where’d you get this?” Minseok asks in awe.
“I actually got it from home,” he says shrugging, “you’ll get one from the staff tomorrow though.”
Minseok decides not to ask anymore questions when Lu Han lets an uncomfortable expression fall across his face. It’s not his business, but he’s still a little thrown off. There have been plenty of instances where Minseok has felt like Lu Han is keeping something from him, but he never likes to push. It’s not like when Lu Han had confessed his fears of flying, this is something much more serious. Minseok doesn’t know if he even wants to know.
He decides to smile.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”
“I’m kind of sleepy--”
Minseok pushes his bottom lip out, “I had a medical scare and you don’t even want to care for me.” He’s hitting a nerve, because he sees how Lu Han perks up slightly. He’s cautious with his teasing.
Still new, still new.
"Fine," Lu Han concedes, "but that means I'll have to spend the night too."
"You can sleep on the floor," Minseok's stomach lurches a little, bringing a hand up to his mouth.
“Come on,” Lu Han says grabbing his arm, “you haven’t gotten used to the gravity here, it’s like seasickness--”
“I’ve never been on a boat,” Minseok replies between deep breaths. His stomach is starting to settle, but he still feels unsteady on his feet. Lu Han urges Minseok to lean on him. He leads Minseok outside of the room, they head down the hall and come upon a glass elevator.
Minseok thinks about Willy Wonka, and he suddenly gets a craving for chocolate. Fleeting. His stomach churns.
Lu Han’s weight against him is warm, stable. Strong, he smells a little of their leftover food. Like sweat too.
"So where are we headed to?" Minseok asks as the elevator pings, waiting for them to input a floor number.
Lu Han just hums, not saying anything. Minseok’s stomach feels weird again, he’s light headed. By the time he exhales, the elevator has pinged again, and the doors open.
Minseok hadn’t even felt the elevator move. Lu Han guides him out of the glass elevator and into a dimly lit hallway. The floor is covered in industrial carpeting, walls a cool pale green. It reminds him of the tender spring onions his mom loves to eat. The hologram in Lu Han’s hand shifts to show their current location.
Minseok always pictured the inside of this and any space station as looking more like the one Zenon lived on in those Disney movies. This is nothing like that. He’s feeling a little better--
“Why are you completely fine?” Minseok asks, studying Lu Han’s face.
“We were given some medicine to help, like that airborne stuff, but you can’t have any,” Lu Han grins, a shit eating grin. Minseok weakly punches him in the arm. Lu Han does the pouting this time, whining about lack of appreciation. They continue down the hall, coming to a stop in what seems to be a lobby area.
It's a wide open space with a large window covered by a screen. There are a few couches around the window, set up as if it was a living room.
"Is this--" Minseok rushes over, but he stumbles. The room begins to spin and his legs are heavy. Lu Han is suddenly next to him, holding him up. He gently guides him to the window, a hand on Minseok's hip. His stomach is warm, hipbone on fire. It burns. Minseok shakes his head, trying to even out his breathing for a completely different reason. His cheeks burn when Lu Han's breathing hits his ear.
"This is an observation area," Lu Han whispers. The screen lifts, and Minseok's skin breaks out into goosebumps. Lu Han's fingertips ghosting down his bare arm, but the view.
The view is breathtaking.
He is overwhelmed, and a loud crashing nostalgic wave hits him. It washes over him, the taste of honeysuckle thick on his tongue. He almost forgets his surroundings.
Minseok isn’t ten, makeshift telescope pressed into his fingers--gone. It’s a memory
“Look,” Lu Han’s gentle voice brings him back, and Minseok’s staring into something he can’t even begin to process.
It’s overpowering, all consuming darkness, but there are hundreds upon thousands--millions of stars in the distance. He’s trembling when in their orbit enters a comet, he can see the Sun. Minseok sees the swarms of space dust, but the neverending black of the universe is what he realizes scares him.
He suddenly feels a need to go back home.
“It’s kind of scary,” Lu Han admits, “I--” He trails off. Minseok sucks in a shuddering breath. Everything is all too real, and the romance of this profound place, something that exists. He's shaking.
"Vertigo," Minseok says steadying himself, pressing too far back into Lu Han. A hand on the glass. He expects to be pushed gently so that he's standing, even just a little. Lu Han presses in instead; Lu Han is acting as a pillar to Minseok. His back pressing into him.
Minseok feels fluttery.
"Let's go sit down," Lu Han says taking his hand, "you need some water."
Lu Han probably thinks that Minseok is only clammy, because he's overwhelmed by the view. He doesn't realize how he's slowly affecting Minseok.
Minseok himself tries to dispel the odd feeling. He's probably reacting to suddenly being in a new place, or the difference in gravity. His head hurts.
"Where to next?" He asks Lu Han. There are worry lines creasing his face, the beginnings of crow's feet around his eyes, crinkling.
Minseok reassures that he's alright, really.
A hand on the other's upper arm. The gesture is almost too stiff.
"Show me something else," he says, putting a lot of energy into his smile.
Minseok ends up finding out that the small agriculture office, and the synthetic field of bright green grass are his favorite things. Outside of the office he's been promised, of course. Lu Han shows him how they're trying to develop the growth of vegetation on Mars. On new planets they're trying to find.
Minseok's head finally hits his pillow a few hours later, dirt under his nails. He didn't think being light years away would make him suddenly appreciate something as simple as this.
"The amazing thing is," Lu Han had said, eyes shining bright, "is that we all come from the same things. The same substance, our basic needs are the same. We were created so long ago--"
And Minseok realizes foggily, that maybe this aching feeling, is just a basic need too.
He can't though.
"No," he says turning to his side.
"No what?" Lu Han's quiet voice asks. He had acted upon his earlier demand to sleep on Minseok's floor.
But Minseok's already fast asleep.
✶❊✶
Time is regulated so that their bodies are monitored by a twenty four hour time frame each day. The first few days, they're allowed to wander around freely. The days stay the same, and they have the weekends to do what they want. There are enough people on the ship to constitute it as a small town, everyone knows everyone, but you don't get tired of it.
The first few months pass easily, they each have their own routines; school, work, alone time, and socializing. There are days when Minseok goes through his own schedule, but will leave for independent study. He goes to the observatory and writes down everything.
He observes, skin still tingling like it had that first day. Minseok doesn’t think he’ll ever really get over the sight, but he always finds himself putting in the coordinates to locate Earth.
Lu Han will sometimes wander in, sitting, not saying anything as he reads or draws in a small notebook. His department focuses on developing agriculture based outside of Earth. They’ve been testing and cataloguing different seeds recently. Lu Han always likes to pocket a few to show Minseok. He gets excited, pointing out how they’ll grow.
He had come in a few days ago covered in bee stings. Minseok had felt bad for him. Gingerly applying some oatmeal based ointment.
Minseok's been sitting in the same position for almost an hour, leg asleep, he gets up and jumps up and down for while. Lu Han would have made fun of him by now, but he continues to draw. Eyebrows furrowed.
"Whatcha drawing?" Minseok asks, walking closer. It feels like thousands of needles are being pressed into his leg.
"Flowers," Lu Han says, "constellations."
There are single sketches covering his paper, diagrams of the stars as the backdrop to the curling flowers. Delicate petals.
"I miss home," Lu Han whispers this time around, "there are some plant species they've been thinking may have come directly from a planet outside of our solar system, new ones."
Minseok hums, he's heard that theory before, plants having been pollinated, but only being able to thrive on Earth. Or in greenhouses.
"You learn anything new?" Lu Han asks, diverting the conversation. Minseok has realized that the closer he feels himself getting to Lu Han, the more he avoids, less he reveals. It's almost unsettling, almost but not quite. Minseok tries to understand.
His mom always taught him to be patient.
Minseok gestures for Lu Han to follow him, the telescope set up in this small observation room is worth millions of dollars, and that always makes him nervous. He sits Lu Han on the stool, fixing the height and the magnitude of the telescope. He gently places it near Lu Han's face. His hand brushes the swell of the other's cheek. There's a light coloring that dusts the tops of Lu Han's cheeks when it happens.
"Earth?"
"Yes, now," and Minseok changes the telescope again, "it's a little star cluster I found a few days ago. It hasn't been documented yet, so I can name it whatever I want," Minseok says.
"Name it after me," Lu Han says smiling up at him. Perfect small nose sloping in a way that makes Minseok look away. He's joking, but Minseok would consider.
"Never," he laughs instead.
A white lie. Really. He would definitely.
And it’s easy, easy.
Because Lu Han looks away, biting down a smile.
Minseok eats lunch with Sojin. She's always trailing behind quiet Leo, urging him to eat better. They’re a two for one deal, because they happen to be in the same engineering department so they're always near one another. Whispering about something.
Lu Han sometimes eats with them. Some people in his department speak Mandarin, and he's confessed to missing his native tongue. Minseok understands. He knows not to be jealous; emotions are something that cannot be helped sometimes.
They’ll usually play soccer together, the four of them, two against two. Lu Han and Leo are the two most closely matched in skill. Sojin is a force to be reckoned with, and maybe that's why they beat him and Lu Han. Minseok pretends to bicker with Lu Han, Leo watching with a delighted look on his face. Sojin teases them, calling them cute.
Any other time Minseok would quiet down, shyly look away. But he bumps Lu Han with his shoulder, forcing them to catch each other's eye.
And his words settle a little too thickly onto his tongue.
"I'm glad you exist," Minseok mumbles, clumsily, when they're walking back to their rooms. Its unspoken agreement that they go their separate ways sometimes. Too much contact is stressful, and Minseok likes to cherish the moments he spends in anyone's company.
Over saturation is cause for irritability.
He's never gotten into a real argument with Lu Han anyway, but they bicker every once in a while. They’re honest when needed, and Minseok is happy to have that connection.
"Me too," Lu Han replies, but it seems like an almost confession. And Minseok doesn't know if that's what he's actually looking for. If this is what he wants out of this. He’s unsurety, probably misguided feelings.
He smiles, ducking into his room, and he relaxes when he hears the sound of Lu Han's door closing too.
Heart hammering away at his rib cage.
Lu Han's gravitational pull becomes stronger and stronger with the passing days.
It just happens to be that Minseok is vibrating, core thrumming.
✶❊✶
Part II