falling in love
Meeting you has been such a strange and neccesary thing. It feels like for the last several years, I have been sleepwalking--home, at last, and not really sure what to do with that. Piecing myself back together, getting everything right in my head and in my life, working to make the picture of my future more clear and clean. I've always known myself exceptionally well, but for awhile the past/present/future were indistinguishable to me, which means that I was very unhealthy and unhappy. I could not have been a good partner for anyone during that period.
And still, I feel like I have been trying to pick up pennies with gloves on when dealing with most people. Nearly every relationship I have had with another person ended in me feeling numb, broken, or just unrelatable. I have had the good fortune to know some very kind, creative souls who have been very good to to me. I have also known people so callous against life that they were impossible to be near--for the most part, I feel like it's the first that I get involved with, because really, I'm not a bad judge of character. Making it to this point, I had mostly come to the feeling that I would never meet anyone who I would have a true connection with.
Meeting with you was sudden, frightening, frenzied. You have this energy, and I know I've told you before, but this light that circles around you and that I am deeply attracted to. It feels healing, uplifting, kind. It makes me want to be soft, gentle, to give and give and give of myself, as if I am a well that never ends. When we kissed for the first time my hands were shaking so badly because I thought that I had lost all feeling in my body--and more importantly, in my soul. When you bound my hands in your fist, even then, I could feel that it was not about control, but about warmth and affection--you were feeling the edges of me, bucking against you. I lose control when I think about you, and kissing you is like disappearing into a long dark hallway. When I see you near me, I have to force myself to look away, so that I don't fall in.
Perhaps the most extraordinary thing is that being with you is--I hate to use the word, but really, there isn't another one--transcendental. Other women that I have been with, there was always a strange undercurrent, when I felt the most in-love I could barely breath, smothered under something I couldn't name... and being with men has been impossible--sometimes very good, but ultimately missing some major part, running fine until suddenly exploding. You are "something more than a woman or a man" or at least I find there is no uneasiness relating to gender with you, and that is extraordinary. With you I feel raw, human, alive and awake.
And still, I feel like I have been trying to pick up pennies with gloves on when dealing with most people. Nearly every relationship I have had with another person ended in me feeling numb, broken, or just unrelatable. I have had the good fortune to know some very kind, creative souls who have been very good to to me. I have also known people so callous against life that they were impossible to be near--for the most part, I feel like it's the first that I get involved with, because really, I'm not a bad judge of character. Making it to this point, I had mostly come to the feeling that I would never meet anyone who I would have a true connection with.
Meeting with you was sudden, frightening, frenzied. You have this energy, and I know I've told you before, but this light that circles around you and that I am deeply attracted to. It feels healing, uplifting, kind. It makes me want to be soft, gentle, to give and give and give of myself, as if I am a well that never ends. When we kissed for the first time my hands were shaking so badly because I thought that I had lost all feeling in my body--and more importantly, in my soul. When you bound my hands in your fist, even then, I could feel that it was not about control, but about warmth and affection--you were feeling the edges of me, bucking against you. I lose control when I think about you, and kissing you is like disappearing into a long dark hallway. When I see you near me, I have to force myself to look away, so that I don't fall in.
Perhaps the most extraordinary thing is that being with you is--I hate to use the word, but really, there isn't another one--transcendental. Other women that I have been with, there was always a strange undercurrent, when I felt the most in-love I could barely breath, smothered under something I couldn't name... and being with men has been impossible--sometimes very good, but ultimately missing some major part, running fine until suddenly exploding. You are "something more than a woman or a man" or at least I find there is no uneasiness relating to gender with you, and that is extraordinary. With you I feel raw, human, alive and awake.