(no subject)
Silvia is back, but she does not bring back feelings of old with her. Loredana is gone. Carmen is gone. Andreea Ulmeanu, gone. Loredana and Carmen tried to come back, so pathetically denied entrance. It reminded me of a foreign film I saw where a king was stripped of his throne and begged to return. I can not help but wonder if that would ever happen to me, begging to receive something I once had. I should hope not. I tried to end all this long ago, but somehow it is a thing which surrounds me like a disease. Perhaps bad analogy. I should work on something less dark. It is not all bad.
I have a feeling deep within that Silvia is making a bad choice. The medical field would perhaps agree. Looking at the two of us, both teenagers yet with back pains of the elderly. I feel she has it much worse, though she is younger. Maybe that is just sympathy. We make our own choices though, and I must admit having her around should relieve pressure. The way people look at; expect of me things. It is not something I enjoy. As if I am supposed to carry this torch of Nadia Comaneci, who I adore, but I am no clone.
All I hear is the negative though that is now to decay soon. It is not as much as it was, however still evidently there. I felt the pressure then, when I wanted to retire. It perhaps was the fuel to my wanting that. And I could just see them all blaming me for a dying legend, something that has become Romanian gymnastics. I owe nothing to anyone, but no one is on my side in that. I have done my part. I am only one person and they expect me to carry an entire legacy. The sport has changed in my eyes over a course of time. It is not the same as it was when I started.
Oh wow I must sound like a complaint hostess. I am not that. I am venting, I admit. Graduation exams were difficult, and now they are gone so no more studies in that regard. Maybe some of the venting comes from that. Looking back I perhaps had greater motivation for completing those tasks than anything with gymnastics. It is okay, however, for soon I will retire. When? I do not know. I thought I would have done so already. I possibly should have when I had the chance. But those looks, that expectation of people. How could I possibly call quits? Perhaps I will have a chance as soon as I have fulfilled that legacy they wish of me to perform, whatever it may be. Do I even want that? Maybe then they will accept my decision. Or perhaps I will retire after it has destroyed me. That seems a likely pair. Look at me. It is near 3:00 AM and I still can not fall to sleep. Maybe I will try to get some rest now.
I have a feeling deep within that Silvia is making a bad choice. The medical field would perhaps agree. Looking at the two of us, both teenagers yet with back pains of the elderly. I feel she has it much worse, though she is younger. Maybe that is just sympathy. We make our own choices though, and I must admit having her around should relieve pressure. The way people look at; expect of me things. It is not something I enjoy. As if I am supposed to carry this torch of Nadia Comaneci, who I adore, but I am no clone.
All I hear is the negative though that is now to decay soon. It is not as much as it was, however still evidently there. I felt the pressure then, when I wanted to retire. It perhaps was the fuel to my wanting that. And I could just see them all blaming me for a dying legend, something that has become Romanian gymnastics. I owe nothing to anyone, but no one is on my side in that. I have done my part. I am only one person and they expect me to carry an entire legacy. The sport has changed in my eyes over a course of time. It is not the same as it was when I started.
Oh wow I must sound like a complaint hostess. I am not that. I am venting, I admit. Graduation exams were difficult, and now they are gone so no more studies in that regard. Maybe some of the venting comes from that. Looking back I perhaps had greater motivation for completing those tasks than anything with gymnastics. It is okay, however, for soon I will retire. When? I do not know. I thought I would have done so already. I possibly should have when I had the chance. But those looks, that expectation of people. How could I possibly call quits? Perhaps I will have a chance as soon as I have fulfilled that legacy they wish of me to perform, whatever it may be. Do I even want that? Maybe then they will accept my decision. Or perhaps I will retire after it has destroyed me. That seems a likely pair. Look at me. It is near 3:00 AM and I still can not fall to sleep. Maybe I will try to get some rest now.