(no subject)
I have to start getting ready to leave for work.
I spend a lot of time pondering (well, pretty much everything, but lately...) my past and how certain behaviors were triggered, and how crushes seemed to pop out of nowhere, for no obvious good reasons. I crushed, hard, all of the fucking time. I once participated without having to make the choice to, and now, I struggle with simple movement. Everything is overanalyzed, but in truth, I don't do much these days to warrant all that analyzing.
I know I had my reasons back then to crush however often and hard I wanted to (hard. hah.). I miss being able to let myself be foolish, have fun... god, no matter how frightening it was, I remember it being so much fun. It couldn't have been that much fun, at least that what I think now, with me being as anxiety ridden and frightful as I am now. It's not even all about crushing, I just use it as an example because of the range of emotions that came into play that have been so hard to find lately. A lack of arousal, in any form, has been crippling me as of late.
It's a good sign that I've been attempting to exercise behaviors that have maybe help in the past, like diving into livejournal and typing out some poorly organized thoughts, thoughts that only get out when I'm especially depressed in the form of an emotionally charge convoluted conversation with Cory.
I don't know how to feel like a friend to my friends, and it's been hard because I need them. I'm freaked because my anxiety seems to be getting more ramped up with the beings I love most, with the exception of Cory, probably due to our closeness and exposure to each other. Love is becoming a bit scary right now. I feel like I've isolated myself and love is alien, it's lingering and it seems (and is) reciprocated, but I feel like I'm stuck between letting it go or just losing it all together.
I'm lost and more afraid than I'd like to admit and can handle, and I can't even tell if I want back in.
I spend a lot of time pondering (well, pretty much everything, but lately...) my past and how certain behaviors were triggered, and how crushes seemed to pop out of nowhere, for no obvious good reasons. I crushed, hard, all of the fucking time. I once participated without having to make the choice to, and now, I struggle with simple movement. Everything is overanalyzed, but in truth, I don't do much these days to warrant all that analyzing.
I know I had my reasons back then to crush however often and hard I wanted to (hard. hah.). I miss being able to let myself be foolish, have fun... god, no matter how frightening it was, I remember it being so much fun. It couldn't have been that much fun, at least that what I think now, with me being as anxiety ridden and frightful as I am now. It's not even all about crushing, I just use it as an example because of the range of emotions that came into play that have been so hard to find lately. A lack of arousal, in any form, has been crippling me as of late.
It's a good sign that I've been attempting to exercise behaviors that have maybe help in the past, like diving into livejournal and typing out some poorly organized thoughts, thoughts that only get out when I'm especially depressed in the form of an emotionally charge convoluted conversation with Cory.
I don't know how to feel like a friend to my friends, and it's been hard because I need them. I'm freaked because my anxiety seems to be getting more ramped up with the beings I love most, with the exception of Cory, probably due to our closeness and exposure to each other. Love is becoming a bit scary right now. I feel like I've isolated myself and love is alien, it's lingering and it seems (and is) reciprocated, but I feel like I'm stuck between letting it go or just losing it all together.
I'm lost and more afraid than I'd like to admit and can handle, and I can't even tell if I want back in.