I Will Let Myself Believe (Supernatural)
Title: I Will Let Myself Believe.
Characters/Pairing(s): Sam. Sam/Ruby (kind of), Sam/Dean (kind of).
Rating: R-ish (swearing, mentions of sex, swearing)
Warnings: angst, alternating the canon, messed up idea, swearing, incest, het, mentions of sex and some angst. Does not really contain a happy ending.
Spoilers/Timeline: Season 4.
Summary: People often ignore facts, blinded by the obviousness. For example, they think Dean is master of denial and lying, because he’s constantly in denial and lying. Nobody considers that if he was so great at it, nobody would notice. Sam is a much better liar and he’s in denial since he can only remember.
It’s an alternative, slightly psychedelic version of Sam/Ruby plot-line.
Word Count: 1,677
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.
-
People often ignore facts, blinded by the obviousness. For example, they think Dean is master of denial and lying, because he’s constantly in denial and lying. Nobody considers that if he was so great at it, nobody would notice. Sam is a much better liar and he’s in denial since he can only remember.
For years he managed to not let the obvious clues enter his conscious mind and figure out what theirs father real job was. Even if he was given the less probable excuses ever. Dad never even bothered with lying to him actually, preferring to just avoid explanations. And Dean basically sucked at lying. Especially to Sam.
Sam on the other hand was even in denial of his own skills at lying and denial. His most honest action so far, even if subconscious, was picking a lawyer career. And even that was mostly caused by his denial of just how good he is in killing things.
Dean was so used to swallowing Sam’s lies, he didn’t even notice yet another one, too preoccupied with Sam, in theory, coming clean. Sam told Dean about Ruby and their affair and Dean decided it’s disgusting enough to be the truth. Sam was more than glad he didn’t even consider telling him the whole truth.
Of how Ruby could wear a camouflage charm whenever she pleased. It wasn’t any good, to tell the truth, nothing even close to the shapeshifter kind of magic, but if someone was desperate, it was enough. It was the key to Sam’s successful lying to Dean, it was a key to all the best lies: if the person that was lied to wanted to believe the lie, everything would work out. After some time Ruby got used to using the camouflage like a second skin, while she was around Sam. Just because he couldn’t stand not seeing Dean ever again. He willingly gave her his blood and hair, so she could specify the charm for him; making it stronger and easier to believe in, so he could pretend he was not alone. Sam was the real master of denial.
He tried even pretending he was disgusted when Ruby finally guessed what he really wants from Dean and will never get. Wouldn’t get even if dean was alive.
-
Sam turned to take a bunch of pills to kill the horrible headache thumping in his skull. He could hear Ruby walking up to him from behind and he could hear her murmured words and her step changing. He wasn’t even surprised when she spoke up and it was Dean’s voice instead of hers. He closed his eyes for a second, savoring it, noticing how the pain got slightly easier to bear.
“Just give it time, Sam. It’ll get better.”
He huffed a smile upon hearing the exact words tough. He wondered if she really ran through his mind and memories so deeply or was it the specified charm, making the illusion more believable. Or perhaps it was only and coincidence that those were the exact words Dean used to say to him, when he was teaching him how to shoot or throw a knife. Give it time, Sam. It’ll get better. You just need to practice, little bro. Sam was too drunk and too far gone to care how his-Dean managed to be so much like the real Dean sometimes.
“What? I need more practice?” he asked with a bitter smile, turning to his-Dean, who was carelessly leaning against one of the wooden poles in the middle of the room that were the only things that still kept that house up, probably.
“I’m not talking about pulling demons,” Dean protested as Sam drunk deeply from his whisky bottle.
If it could get any more fucked up it was if he now started discussing missing Dean with his-Dean. His-Dean was here to pretend he didn’t need the real Dean. Talking about how life sucked without him was kind of counterproductive.
“I know loosing Dean is…”
“Hey!” stopped him Sam quickly, raising his finger, barely stopping himself from putting a hand over his-Dean’s lips. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
He started talking louder and louder, trying to shut up her voice. She tried to speak kindly to him. Selling him the ‘I was once human too’ card and he just glared at her. He hated it when she used Dean’s body to make him listen, but was still so awfully herself. That’s not what the charm was for.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly under his glare.
She ran a hand through his hair, putting it back behind his ear. Sam only huffed another bitter laugh at her and her fucked up tricks.
“No. Don’t.” He said shortly and then looked up and saw Dean’s green eyes looking back at him. He swallowed thickly unable to look away. “I can’t.”
“Sam, you’re not alone,” he said and Sam could almost feel something breaking inside him even more. As if someone tore out the stitches from his unhealed wound.
His-Dean leaned down kissing him warmly, his full lip pushed against Sam’s lips and it was just as soft as he imagined. And so he pushed him away, because Ruby sure didn’t need that much of the power over him. And he had to remember that this was Ruby. Not Dean, never Dean.
“What are you doing?!”
“Sam, it’s okay,” says his-Dean in this raised big brother voice. The same voice the real Dean used when Sam had visions, when he became a freak even amongst hunters. Same voice he used, when Sam, little, stupid Sammy, confessed he feels guilty for wanting normal. And much later, when Sam told him he’s leaving for Stanford.
And that was just wrong.
“No, it is anything, but okay!”
Even if it felt really, really right. Or good, at least.
“What’s wrong?” asked his-Dean. Or maybe Ruby, who was perhaps now doubting what she thought she discovered about Sam. Or doubting Sam will be able to win with his denial, he carried around him like armor for so long.
“What’s wrong?!” he yelled back, knowing how well he can play this game. Perhaps well enough to make Ruby forget this. Hopefully not. “Where do I start?!”
“Is it because of …the body?” she asked as if she really thought he’d rather sleep with her in any other body. Or perhaps she was talking of the body she was possessing, that was somewhere under the whole charm. Sam never bothered to think of it, when he could see Dean instead. “Because, I told you, it’s only me inside of here.”
And perhaps she was still talking about her meat-suit, but Sam thought it meant there’s no real Dean inside this Dean’s body to judge him. Hate him and be disgusted by him. It was only a willing body that looked like a body Sam was willing to touch.
“There’s no one else in here. And it’s nice inside this body, Sam. Soft. Warm.”
His-Dean took one of Sam’s big hands and slid it under his shirts, while talking. Pressing his face against Sam’s. Moving in his loose arms, pressing closer and pleading with every small touch.
“What are you doing?”
“Is it because you’re real scared to go there with a demon?” asked Ruby in Dean’s voice and Sam closed his eyes, angry that she wasn’t keeping her role. Or she wasn’t playing, but in that case he was not interested in her show. “Because it’s wrong? And bad? And we shouldn’t?”
He could feel it as he was getting closer and closer to loosing it. Finally gripping her tight with his fists full of Dean’s hair and he kissed her painfully hard. Shutting her up, so he could forget she was the one inside this body. After that she only panted occasional ‘Sam’ or later even ‘Sammy’ and it was good, because then it was His-Dean fully.
-
The first time they did it, Sam laid spent later next to the demon and told her to shut up, when she tried to speak. They laid in silence; her charm wearing thin, and then Sam started talking. Explaining to Dean how what he does may seem wrong, but it’s the only way, really. He held His-Dean’s hand and talked until it felt less like Dean and more like the Jane Doe, Ruby was currently wearing. Then he went to take shower, leaving the rest of his many planned speeches for the next times.
After some time he didn’t even mind his-Dean talking, responding. Mostly because he was always angry just like Dean would be. But then forgiving and understanding, like Dean always would be. Carrying like he was, when he hugged Sam in that motel room. Sam could barely believe his eyes, when he saw him standing there and Ruby standing right next to him. And seeing them together meant it was finally true and Sam never saw anything better.
He hugged his brother considering when he should tell him and how long the real one will be angry until he’ll see that Sam was right. He sneaked to Ruby to suck blood from Jane Doe and fuck his-Dean, and he kept waiting and moving along. Firmly believing one day Dean will morph into his-Dean and his-Dean always knew Sam was doing the right thing and always was there for him. All Sam needed to do was waiting for just a little bit longer.
-
“Listen to me, you blood-sucking freak, Dad always said I either have to save you or kill you. Well, I’m giving you fair warning - I’m done trying to save you. You’re a monster, Sam. A vampire. You’re not you anymore. And there’s no going back.”
-
On the whole wide world (and beyond) only Ruby knew how deep in denial Sam can be and how hard push he may need to snap out of it. She even knew where to put the right amount of pressure. She knew him better than anyone else. She was his-Dean after all.
-
The End.
-
Characters/Pairing(s): Sam. Sam/Ruby (kind of), Sam/Dean (kind of).
Rating: R-ish (swearing, mentions of sex, swearing)
Warnings: angst, alternating the canon, messed up idea, swearing, incest, het, mentions of sex and some angst. Does not really contain a happy ending.
Spoilers/Timeline: Season 4.
Summary: People often ignore facts, blinded by the obviousness. For example, they think Dean is master of denial and lying, because he’s constantly in denial and lying. Nobody considers that if he was so great at it, nobody would notice. Sam is a much better liar and he’s in denial since he can only remember.
It’s an alternative, slightly psychedelic version of Sam/Ruby plot-line.
Word Count: 1,677
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.
-
People often ignore facts, blinded by the obviousness. For example, they think Dean is master of denial and lying, because he’s constantly in denial and lying. Nobody considers that if he was so great at it, nobody would notice. Sam is a much better liar and he’s in denial since he can only remember.
For years he managed to not let the obvious clues enter his conscious mind and figure out what theirs father real job was. Even if he was given the less probable excuses ever. Dad never even bothered with lying to him actually, preferring to just avoid explanations. And Dean basically sucked at lying. Especially to Sam.
Sam on the other hand was even in denial of his own skills at lying and denial. His most honest action so far, even if subconscious, was picking a lawyer career. And even that was mostly caused by his denial of just how good he is in killing things.
Dean was so used to swallowing Sam’s lies, he didn’t even notice yet another one, too preoccupied with Sam, in theory, coming clean. Sam told Dean about Ruby and their affair and Dean decided it’s disgusting enough to be the truth. Sam was more than glad he didn’t even consider telling him the whole truth.
Of how Ruby could wear a camouflage charm whenever she pleased. It wasn’t any good, to tell the truth, nothing even close to the shapeshifter kind of magic, but if someone was desperate, it was enough. It was the key to Sam’s successful lying to Dean, it was a key to all the best lies: if the person that was lied to wanted to believe the lie, everything would work out. After some time Ruby got used to using the camouflage like a second skin, while she was around Sam. Just because he couldn’t stand not seeing Dean ever again. He willingly gave her his blood and hair, so she could specify the charm for him; making it stronger and easier to believe in, so he could pretend he was not alone. Sam was the real master of denial.
He tried even pretending he was disgusted when Ruby finally guessed what he really wants from Dean and will never get. Wouldn’t get even if dean was alive.
-
Sam turned to take a bunch of pills to kill the horrible headache thumping in his skull. He could hear Ruby walking up to him from behind and he could hear her murmured words and her step changing. He wasn’t even surprised when she spoke up and it was Dean’s voice instead of hers. He closed his eyes for a second, savoring it, noticing how the pain got slightly easier to bear.
“Just give it time, Sam. It’ll get better.”
He huffed a smile upon hearing the exact words tough. He wondered if she really ran through his mind and memories so deeply or was it the specified charm, making the illusion more believable. Or perhaps it was only and coincidence that those were the exact words Dean used to say to him, when he was teaching him how to shoot or throw a knife. Give it time, Sam. It’ll get better. You just need to practice, little bro. Sam was too drunk and too far gone to care how his-Dean managed to be so much like the real Dean sometimes.
“What? I need more practice?” he asked with a bitter smile, turning to his-Dean, who was carelessly leaning against one of the wooden poles in the middle of the room that were the only things that still kept that house up, probably.
“I’m not talking about pulling demons,” Dean protested as Sam drunk deeply from his whisky bottle.
If it could get any more fucked up it was if he now started discussing missing Dean with his-Dean. His-Dean was here to pretend he didn’t need the real Dean. Talking about how life sucked without him was kind of counterproductive.
“I know loosing Dean is…”
“Hey!” stopped him Sam quickly, raising his finger, barely stopping himself from putting a hand over his-Dean’s lips. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
He started talking louder and louder, trying to shut up her voice. She tried to speak kindly to him. Selling him the ‘I was once human too’ card and he just glared at her. He hated it when she used Dean’s body to make him listen, but was still so awfully herself. That’s not what the charm was for.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly under his glare.
She ran a hand through his hair, putting it back behind his ear. Sam only huffed another bitter laugh at her and her fucked up tricks.
“No. Don’t.” He said shortly and then looked up and saw Dean’s green eyes looking back at him. He swallowed thickly unable to look away. “I can’t.”
“Sam, you’re not alone,” he said and Sam could almost feel something breaking inside him even more. As if someone tore out the stitches from his unhealed wound.
His-Dean leaned down kissing him warmly, his full lip pushed against Sam’s lips and it was just as soft as he imagined. And so he pushed him away, because Ruby sure didn’t need that much of the power over him. And he had to remember that this was Ruby. Not Dean, never Dean.
“What are you doing?!”
“Sam, it’s okay,” says his-Dean in this raised big brother voice. The same voice the real Dean used when Sam had visions, when he became a freak even amongst hunters. Same voice he used, when Sam, little, stupid Sammy, confessed he feels guilty for wanting normal. And much later, when Sam told him he’s leaving for Stanford.
And that was just wrong.
“No, it is anything, but okay!”
Even if it felt really, really right. Or good, at least.
“What’s wrong?” asked his-Dean. Or maybe Ruby, who was perhaps now doubting what she thought she discovered about Sam. Or doubting Sam will be able to win with his denial, he carried around him like armor for so long.
“What’s wrong?!” he yelled back, knowing how well he can play this game. Perhaps well enough to make Ruby forget this. Hopefully not. “Where do I start?!”
“Is it because of …the body?” she asked as if she really thought he’d rather sleep with her in any other body. Or perhaps she was talking of the body she was possessing, that was somewhere under the whole charm. Sam never bothered to think of it, when he could see Dean instead. “Because, I told you, it’s only me inside of here.”
And perhaps she was still talking about her meat-suit, but Sam thought it meant there’s no real Dean inside this Dean’s body to judge him. Hate him and be disgusted by him. It was only a willing body that looked like a body Sam was willing to touch.
“There’s no one else in here. And it’s nice inside this body, Sam. Soft. Warm.”
His-Dean took one of Sam’s big hands and slid it under his shirts, while talking. Pressing his face against Sam’s. Moving in his loose arms, pressing closer and pleading with every small touch.
“What are you doing?”
“Is it because you’re real scared to go there with a demon?” asked Ruby in Dean’s voice and Sam closed his eyes, angry that she wasn’t keeping her role. Or she wasn’t playing, but in that case he was not interested in her show. “Because it’s wrong? And bad? And we shouldn’t?”
He could feel it as he was getting closer and closer to loosing it. Finally gripping her tight with his fists full of Dean’s hair and he kissed her painfully hard. Shutting her up, so he could forget she was the one inside this body. After that she only panted occasional ‘Sam’ or later even ‘Sammy’ and it was good, because then it was His-Dean fully.
-
The first time they did it, Sam laid spent later next to the demon and told her to shut up, when she tried to speak. They laid in silence; her charm wearing thin, and then Sam started talking. Explaining to Dean how what he does may seem wrong, but it’s the only way, really. He held His-Dean’s hand and talked until it felt less like Dean and more like the Jane Doe, Ruby was currently wearing. Then he went to take shower, leaving the rest of his many planned speeches for the next times.
After some time he didn’t even mind his-Dean talking, responding. Mostly because he was always angry just like Dean would be. But then forgiving and understanding, like Dean always would be. Carrying like he was, when he hugged Sam in that motel room. Sam could barely believe his eyes, when he saw him standing there and Ruby standing right next to him. And seeing them together meant it was finally true and Sam never saw anything better.
He hugged his brother considering when he should tell him and how long the real one will be angry until he’ll see that Sam was right. He sneaked to Ruby to suck blood from Jane Doe and fuck his-Dean, and he kept waiting and moving along. Firmly believing one day Dean will morph into his-Dean and his-Dean always knew Sam was doing the right thing and always was there for him. All Sam needed to do was waiting for just a little bit longer.
-
“Listen to me, you blood-sucking freak, Dad always said I either have to save you or kill you. Well, I’m giving you fair warning - I’m done trying to save you. You’re a monster, Sam. A vampire. You’re not you anymore. And there’s no going back.”
-
On the whole wide world (and beyond) only Ruby knew how deep in denial Sam can be and how hard push he may need to snap out of it. She even knew where to put the right amount of pressure. She knew him better than anyone else. She was his-Dean after all.
-
The End.
-