HASH ( a promised House/MASH crossover)
A/N: You know I have weird ideas and most of the times I - thank God - don't follow through and write them. But sometimes I got inspired by another person and it's all getting worse from that point ;)
Watch this. If you survive: proceed to read the fic.
BTW great thanks to the author of this amazing thing. With undying love I dare to dedicate this weird piece of fiction to Tilian3.
Title: H.A.S.H.
Rating: PG-13 (I think).
Author: Andrea_Deer
Words: 2.122
Pairings/Characters: House, Wilson, Ducklings (at least a short appearance by every one from the basic patch), mentions of Cuddy, Mark and Stacy.
Warnings: silliness, crack, M.A.S.H. cross-over, AU, silliness, attempts at humor and maybe just a bit of silliness.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. If the owners of House and/or M.A.S.H. would see this they wouldn't sue me. They'd kill me. And only if Omar Epps wouldn't get me first.
Beta: NONE!
A/N: Another warning. I just wanted to share my sick vision of this cross-over, so the plot… you know… sucks. xD
***
H.A.S.H.
***
Wilson sat outside the biggest tent that was proudly called the operating hall. It seemed kind of funny, actually. He smiled faintly to himself, realizing that the exhaustion after lasting seventeen hours shift was probably responsible for any humor right now.
Theoretically theirs shifts were supposed to last not longer than eight hours. Practically, when Captain Wilson finally managed to get to his tent and lay his head on the pillow… copters came bringing new wounded. Practically no one cared about the theory. And - as Hawkeye once suggested - theoretically practice wasn't so important. In Hawkeye opinion that was a reason why Mark managed to become a doctor.
"I could be a Korean's diagnostician," announced Hawkeye, limping out of the operating hall and dropping on the bench next to his friend.
"I thought you are a diagnostician," mused Wilson, thinking that maybe sitting down to wait for the other Captain wasn't such a good plan. Now they were both sited and standing up sounded like an extreme sport, neither of them could handle.
"Why, yes, but I was American diagnostician. That wasn't fun at all. Weird diseases and bunch of people lying about what they took and whom they fucked. Here, I can be a real master of this specialization. Only slightly messy, but bleeding: shot. Very messy and bleeding: grenade. Very messy, rarely still bleeding: a mine. See, I can diagnose without seeing the patients."
Wilson thought about that for a minute with a small smile playing in the corners of his lips. Trust the Hawkeye to be even funnier than half-working from exhaustion brain.
"How about: smashed, very messy and slowly stopping to bleed?"
"Run over by a tank. Easy-peasy."
"You're good," admitted his friend, nodding solemnly.
"Ha. I'm the best thing that happened to this country since Hot Lips lost virginity!"
The younger Captain snorted, but failed to answer in words. They were both way too tired for theirs usual witty dialogues. Obviously set on proving the point Hawkeye chose this moment to yawn loudly.
"We should go to the tent and catch few hours of sleep," said Wilson reasonably and dragged himself to his feet.
"How about few days? With sweet interludes made by stolen painkillers and booze?" suggested hopefully doctor, holding his weight on the dark cane and dragging himself upward.
"Sounds like a plan."
"And if the moment I'll manage to close my eyes, some disgusting British accent will announce through this damned speakers that choppers came again… I'll kill the wombat with my bare hands."
"It's a deal."
***
Wombat and his British accent decided to come personally to the Swam as was nicely called the tent of three doctors. Actually only a third part of the tent truly deserved the famous nickname. Both, Captain Wilson and Major Mark Warner, took care of theirs parts of the tent, so only officer House (a. ka. Hawkeye) fought with the clean order of their living space. The gossips said hat his mess was fighting really dirty to not be killed not only by overpowering order, but also by captain's Wilson weird attacks that made him clean the whole tent forgetting about any borders between the three parts.
Corporal Chase was hoping that maybe Major Warner would wake up Captain House, while he was getting out 'accidentally' kicking the frame of Hawkeye's bed on his way. Unfortunately the older doctor just mumbled something about doing more x-rays and proceed to keep on sleeping.
Chase made his way to the head of the bed carefully stepping above the loose boots, some clothes and books that Hawkeye threw around. While he was passing the delicate machinery that was Captain's constant source of booze, he almost stopped breathing. He knew he's not House's most hated person in the camp, but if he'd managed to ruin this machine, he'd get even higher on list than Major Warner. Then his only chance to get out of tortures would be Captain's Wilson kind nature that would make him kill Chase off quickly.
"Hawkeye," said young man trying to not be too loud and not wake the other Captain.
"It's not a lupus," murmured only House turning on the other side, his back turned to the blonde man.
"Hawkeye!" said Corporal louder, shaking sleeping man's arm slightly.
"Wombat… If you're waking me up it's better to tell me this war is over and I can get to sleep in more comfortable bed."
"Sorry, Hawkeye. It's about Major Mar and Major Stacy."
"Unless it's a question of whether or not we should burry them in the same grave - I'm still not listening."
"Hawkeye!" whined Wombat, but the older man was now completely ignoring him.
The blonde stood straighter wondering what to do now. Of course, he could wait until Hawkeye would be in a mood to listen to him, but then it may be too late… Not to mention that Hawkeye was rarely in the mood to listen to anybody.
"What is it about Majors Stacy and Mark, Chase?" asked the sleepy voice from the other bed and Wombat turned around with a smile to see he accidentally managed to also wake up Captain Wilson.
He should probably start with that, but for some unfathomed reason he thought House would want to know first. Normally it'd be probably true, but Chase forgot that after seventeen hours shift all House wanted to know was where are his painkillers and who dares to wake him up.
"Major Stacy filled the form in major's Mark name for a weekend's pass to Tokio to escort the patient with complicated brake of the leg."
"The one with moved and fractured thigh bone?"
"Yes, sir."
"But we send him away almost a week ago!"
"Exactly, but since his friends from the company took him, the file I requested was left unused so major Stacy used it, and since she already has a pass for this weekend for herself, I think they want to sneak out together… You know…"
Wilson looked up at the troubled face of the younger man and smiled reassuringly.
"Yeah, I think I can figure that out Chase. Thanks for the information."
Wombat nodded quickly and left in hurry in case someone would bother to check why he's in Captain's tent. Or rather what kind of information he's selling right now.
Wilson wasn't much surprised when he glanced at the other bed and noticed his friend's eyes are open and aware.
"Chase gave us information, we're going to use it and make Mark's and Hot Lips' life a living hell. That's obvious, but why in the name of God, this kid told us that in the first place?"
"He doesn't like Mark," answered Wilson with a small shrug.
"He doesn't like me either."
"He doesn't like Mark more," explained the other doctor and watched as curiosity on his friend's face changes into surprise and then offense. Wilson sighed loudly. "You're mean to him, you insult him and treat him like a trash. Mark ignores him."
"My God. In what place in universe that actually makes sense?"
"Australia?" suggested Wilson with a shrug.
***
"So…" started Wilson after sitting next to his best friend in the cafeteria. "Any bright plans how to make Mark's life miserable? Start thinking quickly, I'll need some additional time to stop you, you know."
House glared at the food on his plate as if daring it to move. Or stop moving. With House and cafeteria food you never could know for sure.
"For know I just figured we may poison him with the military food."
"Cruel."
"Without narcosis."
"Very cruel."
Hawkeye smiled and stole something that was probably supposed to be piece of beef from Wilson's plate. The other doctor just glared at him.
"I'm not getting extra food from home, you know? It's just as disgusting as yours."
"But you're eating it and you're still alive, so I figured it's at least not poisonous."
"I love to see such a bright mind in action," announced Wilson deciding that the food he got is not worth fighting over. Quite the contrary.
"This bright mind doesn't have enough facts, I got to steal more info from Wombat."
"Have fun."
"Oh, I definitely won't. He'll tell me everything voluntarily, I won't get to torture the answers out of him."
"Such a spoil fun this Chase-kid, really."
***
"No, really, it's not a problem. I love to help you out, girls. I mean, truly, your company is totally worth it."
Wilson smiled charmingly to the nurses gathered around him. He just helped them repair theirs bang beds that were falling apart, and now girls decided that he absolutely has to spend some time with them. James Wilson was learned early in his life to be obedient, when women ask.
"Oh, you're such a charmer," giggled Francis.
She had a crush on Wilson since she saw him. It was flattering and all, but doctor wasn't exactly looking for some serious relationship in Korea. For that he had a wife back in States.
Thankfully, most of the times Cameron - one of the other nurses - kept Francis on bearable limit of shameless flirting. This time tough Wilson didn't think through what he's saying and since he mentioned he might not have too much time, since probably House will look for him soon, Cameron stared at the door as if charmed. Waiting for her knight on a white horse.
The knight joined them finally without a white horse, but with dark cane and even darker humor.
"Jimmy, say goodbyes, you're supposed to be home for at least an hour now!"
"Sorry, mommy, I'm going. Sorry beauties, beast calls."
"When you excuse yourself to use the bathroom you say the same?" wondered House once they stepped outside.
"Only when I mean that cafeteria's dinner makes me leave."
"I've got a great a idea," announced Hawkeye and smiled brightly.
"Which, of course, explains the dark mood you presented few minutes ago…"
"It does, since you manage to spoil every great plan I ever had with your morals and conscience."
Wilson snorted, but stopped with his answer to compliment new dress of passing them Foreman. The guy may be slightly weird and stubborn on his way to prove he's too mad to serve in the army, but everyone had to admit he's getting better in his sewing skills. Unfortunately Lieutenant Colonel Cuddy was still sure in her decision.
House just glared as the dark-skinned man moved away from them. Wilson still didn't get the definite answer if Hawkeye is more irritated with the fact that Foreman's black or if he pretends to be more insane than House is. Or maybe because he got the idea of dressing up in skirts before Hawkeye managed to use it.
"Let's treat it as your birthday gift. As long as your plan doesn't involve killing Stacy or Mark, I'm in."
"You sure? It includes some false paper work, you know?"
"What exactly did you plan, House?"
"Oh, I just suggested in said paper work that poor sergeant Klerson needs some stronger help than one, weak guy that three weeks ago pretended to have broken leg."
"And… you're this stronger help?" asked Wilson incredulous.
Maybe Mark wasn't the strongest guy on this war and maybe he did pretend to have a broken leg, but he pretend it only to piss off House with, as Hawkeye put it, his "amateur's limping". House didn't fake his limping and the last thing he could do was help waking some heavy sergeant with complications in his broken leg.
"No, you idiot. You are the stronger help. I am the smart physician, since you're obviously - like every other strongman - an idiot."
"But I'm not a strongman!"
"And you're lucky enough that they didn’t right that down in your papers."
***
The warm water around them was blissfully pleasurable even without the beautiful, exotic girls. Although - at least in Wilson's opinion - the beautiful, exotic girls were just making everything better. He swore to God, if there's something his going to miss about Korea - except his best friend that is - it was going to be Jacuzzi with Korean's hookers.
Petite girl sited next to House slide a hand down his wet chest and looked at him with a bright smile.
"Why are you called 'Hawkeye'?" she asked with thick accent.
"No idea. Speedy Stallion somehow didn't stick with me."
She looked at him slightly confused, not sure if she should laugh, and Wilson sighed loudly.
"House, could you please not scare off the hookers?"
"That's, Jimmy, exactly why hookers are so great. They're not so easily scared off," smiled Hawkeye happily.
Wilson just shook his head with a slight chuckle. All in all, this week of that damned war wasn't so bad…
***
The End
***
Watch this. If you survive: proceed to read the fic.
BTW great thanks to the author of this amazing thing. With undying love I dare to dedicate this weird piece of fiction to Tilian3.
Title: H.A.S.H.
Rating: PG-13 (I think).
Author: Andrea_Deer
Words: 2.122
Pairings/Characters: House, Wilson, Ducklings (at least a short appearance by every one from the basic patch), mentions of Cuddy, Mark and Stacy.
Warnings: silliness, crack, M.A.S.H. cross-over, AU, silliness, attempts at humor and maybe just a bit of silliness.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. If the owners of House and/or M.A.S.H. would see this they wouldn't sue me. They'd kill me. And only if Omar Epps wouldn't get me first.
Beta: NONE!
A/N: Another warning. I just wanted to share my sick vision of this cross-over, so the plot… you know… sucks. xD
***
H.A.S.H.
***
Wilson sat outside the biggest tent that was proudly called the operating hall. It seemed kind of funny, actually. He smiled faintly to himself, realizing that the exhaustion after lasting seventeen hours shift was probably responsible for any humor right now.
Theoretically theirs shifts were supposed to last not longer than eight hours. Practically, when Captain Wilson finally managed to get to his tent and lay his head on the pillow… copters came bringing new wounded. Practically no one cared about the theory. And - as Hawkeye once suggested - theoretically practice wasn't so important. In Hawkeye opinion that was a reason why Mark managed to become a doctor.
"I could be a Korean's diagnostician," announced Hawkeye, limping out of the operating hall and dropping on the bench next to his friend.
"I thought you are a diagnostician," mused Wilson, thinking that maybe sitting down to wait for the other Captain wasn't such a good plan. Now they were both sited and standing up sounded like an extreme sport, neither of them could handle.
"Why, yes, but I was American diagnostician. That wasn't fun at all. Weird diseases and bunch of people lying about what they took and whom they fucked. Here, I can be a real master of this specialization. Only slightly messy, but bleeding: shot. Very messy and bleeding: grenade. Very messy, rarely still bleeding: a mine. See, I can diagnose without seeing the patients."
Wilson thought about that for a minute with a small smile playing in the corners of his lips. Trust the Hawkeye to be even funnier than half-working from exhaustion brain.
"How about: smashed, very messy and slowly stopping to bleed?"
"Run over by a tank. Easy-peasy."
"You're good," admitted his friend, nodding solemnly.
"Ha. I'm the best thing that happened to this country since Hot Lips lost virginity!"
The younger Captain snorted, but failed to answer in words. They were both way too tired for theirs usual witty dialogues. Obviously set on proving the point Hawkeye chose this moment to yawn loudly.
"We should go to the tent and catch few hours of sleep," said Wilson reasonably and dragged himself to his feet.
"How about few days? With sweet interludes made by stolen painkillers and booze?" suggested hopefully doctor, holding his weight on the dark cane and dragging himself upward.
"Sounds like a plan."
"And if the moment I'll manage to close my eyes, some disgusting British accent will announce through this damned speakers that choppers came again… I'll kill the wombat with my bare hands."
"It's a deal."
***
Wombat and his British accent decided to come personally to the Swam as was nicely called the tent of three doctors. Actually only a third part of the tent truly deserved the famous nickname. Both, Captain Wilson and Major Mark Warner, took care of theirs parts of the tent, so only officer House (a. ka. Hawkeye) fought with the clean order of their living space. The gossips said hat his mess was fighting really dirty to not be killed not only by overpowering order, but also by captain's Wilson weird attacks that made him clean the whole tent forgetting about any borders between the three parts.
Corporal Chase was hoping that maybe Major Warner would wake up Captain House, while he was getting out 'accidentally' kicking the frame of Hawkeye's bed on his way. Unfortunately the older doctor just mumbled something about doing more x-rays and proceed to keep on sleeping.
Chase made his way to the head of the bed carefully stepping above the loose boots, some clothes and books that Hawkeye threw around. While he was passing the delicate machinery that was Captain's constant source of booze, he almost stopped breathing. He knew he's not House's most hated person in the camp, but if he'd managed to ruin this machine, he'd get even higher on list than Major Warner. Then his only chance to get out of tortures would be Captain's Wilson kind nature that would make him kill Chase off quickly.
"Hawkeye," said young man trying to not be too loud and not wake the other Captain.
"It's not a lupus," murmured only House turning on the other side, his back turned to the blonde man.
"Hawkeye!" said Corporal louder, shaking sleeping man's arm slightly.
"Wombat… If you're waking me up it's better to tell me this war is over and I can get to sleep in more comfortable bed."
"Sorry, Hawkeye. It's about Major Mar and Major Stacy."
"Unless it's a question of whether or not we should burry them in the same grave - I'm still not listening."
"Hawkeye!" whined Wombat, but the older man was now completely ignoring him.
The blonde stood straighter wondering what to do now. Of course, he could wait until Hawkeye would be in a mood to listen to him, but then it may be too late… Not to mention that Hawkeye was rarely in the mood to listen to anybody.
"What is it about Majors Stacy and Mark, Chase?" asked the sleepy voice from the other bed and Wombat turned around with a smile to see he accidentally managed to also wake up Captain Wilson.
He should probably start with that, but for some unfathomed reason he thought House would want to know first. Normally it'd be probably true, but Chase forgot that after seventeen hours shift all House wanted to know was where are his painkillers and who dares to wake him up.
"Major Stacy filled the form in major's Mark name for a weekend's pass to Tokio to escort the patient with complicated brake of the leg."
"The one with moved and fractured thigh bone?"
"Yes, sir."
"But we send him away almost a week ago!"
"Exactly, but since his friends from the company took him, the file I requested was left unused so major Stacy used it, and since she already has a pass for this weekend for herself, I think they want to sneak out together… You know…"
Wilson looked up at the troubled face of the younger man and smiled reassuringly.
"Yeah, I think I can figure that out Chase. Thanks for the information."
Wombat nodded quickly and left in hurry in case someone would bother to check why he's in Captain's tent. Or rather what kind of information he's selling right now.
Wilson wasn't much surprised when he glanced at the other bed and noticed his friend's eyes are open and aware.
"Chase gave us information, we're going to use it and make Mark's and Hot Lips' life a living hell. That's obvious, but why in the name of God, this kid told us that in the first place?"
"He doesn't like Mark," answered Wilson with a small shrug.
"He doesn't like me either."
"He doesn't like Mark more," explained the other doctor and watched as curiosity on his friend's face changes into surprise and then offense. Wilson sighed loudly. "You're mean to him, you insult him and treat him like a trash. Mark ignores him."
"My God. In what place in universe that actually makes sense?"
"Australia?" suggested Wilson with a shrug.
***
"So…" started Wilson after sitting next to his best friend in the cafeteria. "Any bright plans how to make Mark's life miserable? Start thinking quickly, I'll need some additional time to stop you, you know."
House glared at the food on his plate as if daring it to move. Or stop moving. With House and cafeteria food you never could know for sure.
"For know I just figured we may poison him with the military food."
"Cruel."
"Without narcosis."
"Very cruel."
Hawkeye smiled and stole something that was probably supposed to be piece of beef from Wilson's plate. The other doctor just glared at him.
"I'm not getting extra food from home, you know? It's just as disgusting as yours."
"But you're eating it and you're still alive, so I figured it's at least not poisonous."
"I love to see such a bright mind in action," announced Wilson deciding that the food he got is not worth fighting over. Quite the contrary.
"This bright mind doesn't have enough facts, I got to steal more info from Wombat."
"Have fun."
"Oh, I definitely won't. He'll tell me everything voluntarily, I won't get to torture the answers out of him."
"Such a spoil fun this Chase-kid, really."
***
"No, really, it's not a problem. I love to help you out, girls. I mean, truly, your company is totally worth it."
Wilson smiled charmingly to the nurses gathered around him. He just helped them repair theirs bang beds that were falling apart, and now girls decided that he absolutely has to spend some time with them. James Wilson was learned early in his life to be obedient, when women ask.
"Oh, you're such a charmer," giggled Francis.
She had a crush on Wilson since she saw him. It was flattering and all, but doctor wasn't exactly looking for some serious relationship in Korea. For that he had a wife back in States.
Thankfully, most of the times Cameron - one of the other nurses - kept Francis on bearable limit of shameless flirting. This time tough Wilson didn't think through what he's saying and since he mentioned he might not have too much time, since probably House will look for him soon, Cameron stared at the door as if charmed. Waiting for her knight on a white horse.
The knight joined them finally without a white horse, but with dark cane and even darker humor.
"Jimmy, say goodbyes, you're supposed to be home for at least an hour now!"
"Sorry, mommy, I'm going. Sorry beauties, beast calls."
"When you excuse yourself to use the bathroom you say the same?" wondered House once they stepped outside.
"Only when I mean that cafeteria's dinner makes me leave."
"I've got a great a idea," announced Hawkeye and smiled brightly.
"Which, of course, explains the dark mood you presented few minutes ago…"
"It does, since you manage to spoil every great plan I ever had with your morals and conscience."
Wilson snorted, but stopped with his answer to compliment new dress of passing them Foreman. The guy may be slightly weird and stubborn on his way to prove he's too mad to serve in the army, but everyone had to admit he's getting better in his sewing skills. Unfortunately Lieutenant Colonel Cuddy was still sure in her decision.
House just glared as the dark-skinned man moved away from them. Wilson still didn't get the definite answer if Hawkeye is more irritated with the fact that Foreman's black or if he pretends to be more insane than House is. Or maybe because he got the idea of dressing up in skirts before Hawkeye managed to use it.
"Let's treat it as your birthday gift. As long as your plan doesn't involve killing Stacy or Mark, I'm in."
"You sure? It includes some false paper work, you know?"
"What exactly did you plan, House?"
"Oh, I just suggested in said paper work that poor sergeant Klerson needs some stronger help than one, weak guy that three weeks ago pretended to have broken leg."
"And… you're this stronger help?" asked Wilson incredulous.
Maybe Mark wasn't the strongest guy on this war and maybe he did pretend to have a broken leg, but he pretend it only to piss off House with, as Hawkeye put it, his "amateur's limping". House didn't fake his limping and the last thing he could do was help waking some heavy sergeant with complications in his broken leg.
"No, you idiot. You are the stronger help. I am the smart physician, since you're obviously - like every other strongman - an idiot."
"But I'm not a strongman!"
"And you're lucky enough that they didn’t right that down in your papers."
***
The warm water around them was blissfully pleasurable even without the beautiful, exotic girls. Although - at least in Wilson's opinion - the beautiful, exotic girls were just making everything better. He swore to God, if there's something his going to miss about Korea - except his best friend that is - it was going to be Jacuzzi with Korean's hookers.
Petite girl sited next to House slide a hand down his wet chest and looked at him with a bright smile.
"Why are you called 'Hawkeye'?" she asked with thick accent.
"No idea. Speedy Stallion somehow didn't stick with me."
She looked at him slightly confused, not sure if she should laugh, and Wilson sighed loudly.
"House, could you please not scare off the hookers?"
"That's, Jimmy, exactly why hookers are so great. They're not so easily scared off," smiled Hawkeye happily.
Wilson just shook his head with a slight chuckle. All in all, this week of that damned war wasn't so bad…
***
The End
***