ya
ok my life has come to this, i'm sitting here in the fawkin library, supposed to be at work but i'm so emotionally distraught i keep throwing up (but not for at least an hour so i chanced coming here). i ma so lost in life. i don't know what i want to do. i dont want a job where i'm forced to lie to people, i don't want to settle and be in an unrewarding relationship because i dont wanna be single... sigh. I dont want my kids to not have a dad but I dont want them to have just anyone or to deal too much with the one i have.
i dont want to be sick but i cant help it. i hate doctors. i've learned throughout life that if you just tell doctors what they wanna hear, they'll shut up. it's cool.
see the thing with throwing up (eww i know i'm sorry) is that i'm so emotionally out of whack i'm making myself feel physically ill. plus i forgot to make my interferon on monday so i went 5 days without a shot and i was reacting pretty badly overnight (fever, shaking). The ugliest thing is i get these humongous red spots anywhere i give myself a shot and they last at least a month. so i take 3 a month x 4 weeks and ewww. i feel horrible.
in my drunkeness on new years eve (Zach, Katie and Jay were there) I developed my first true hangover on sunday. goddamnit i'm never drinking belvedere again. I have never drunk like that before. i was so sad about everything including matt. at first i was funny - very very funny. woohoo for drunken playstation 2 and all that but then i got so sad and i freaked jay out and i kept saying "why doesnt he even care about me anymore?" when i know it's my fault. they all told me he's a douchebag and he's the one missing out but i just miss his presence in my life so fawkin much. he was stable, there for me, one of the only people who ever had been. katie kept sayin i should give Jay another chance cuz if he didnt love me he wouldnt be there with me. screw that i know he wants me but i dont want him. we were together in 10th-11th grade. he lied, he cheated and all and i know people like that never change. dont want more drama. have enough.
i called a whole hell of a lot of people new years eve- i called matt too. he answered and said who's this and i was like you know who this is and i said happy new year and he said happy new year and hung up and i feel worse.
i feel like i'm losing it- the only good thing in life is my kids and i try to give all my energy to that but it's just messed up. i mean i have about 10 good friends in my life and that's good. to be honest it is so hard for me to trust anyone and my heart is soooo damn broken. i've got me some library books to help me think about a few topics on my mind.
i miss all my mommy friends. hopefully by feb i'll be back on line. i HAVE to get back to school. i cant afford to repay my student loans at this time and if i'm gonna pay for it i may as well have something to show for it.
*vent over* thanks
i dont want to be sick but i cant help it. i hate doctors. i've learned throughout life that if you just tell doctors what they wanna hear, they'll shut up. it's cool.
see the thing with throwing up (eww i know i'm sorry) is that i'm so emotionally out of whack i'm making myself feel physically ill. plus i forgot to make my interferon on monday so i went 5 days without a shot and i was reacting pretty badly overnight (fever, shaking). The ugliest thing is i get these humongous red spots anywhere i give myself a shot and they last at least a month. so i take 3 a month x 4 weeks and ewww. i feel horrible.
in my drunkeness on new years eve (Zach, Katie and Jay were there) I developed my first true hangover on sunday. goddamnit i'm never drinking belvedere again. I have never drunk like that before. i was so sad about everything including matt. at first i was funny - very very funny. woohoo for drunken playstation 2 and all that but then i got so sad and i freaked jay out and i kept saying "why doesnt he even care about me anymore?" when i know it's my fault. they all told me he's a douchebag and he's the one missing out but i just miss his presence in my life so fawkin much. he was stable, there for me, one of the only people who ever had been. katie kept sayin i should give Jay another chance cuz if he didnt love me he wouldnt be there with me. screw that i know he wants me but i dont want him. we were together in 10th-11th grade. he lied, he cheated and all and i know people like that never change. dont want more drama. have enough.
i called a whole hell of a lot of people new years eve- i called matt too. he answered and said who's this and i was like you know who this is and i said happy new year and he said happy new year and hung up and i feel worse.
i feel like i'm losing it- the only good thing in life is my kids and i try to give all my energy to that but it's just messed up. i mean i have about 10 good friends in my life and that's good. to be honest it is so hard for me to trust anyone and my heart is soooo damn broken. i've got me some library books to help me think about a few topics on my mind.
i miss all my mommy friends. hopefully by feb i'll be back on line. i HAVE to get back to school. i cant afford to repay my student loans at this time and if i'm gonna pay for it i may as well have something to show for it.
*vent over* thanks