Surreal
Where to begin?
My life has been doing tumbersaults and handstands, mostly without so much as a 'by your leave.' For those of you who have not had much contact with me lately, I apologize. It was not my intention to hide myself away, or to neglect friendships that I cherish. It simply happened. As the storm of splendid insanity breaks and rolls away the clouds that had darkened my soul and my summer and as I begin to rebuild anew on foundations growing from the Rock, I hope to be a much better friend and to learn to love without being so clumbsy.
Two very big and likely unrelated things have been happening in my life: I have encountered someone who is invisible to bumblebees, and God has begun fufiling desires I have had for many years.
I will be brief, as I respect all of your time, and because I'd love to talk about this in person to anyone interested.
Two years ago I went to Chapter Camp and entered into a track called 'Passionate Pursuit.' My staff told me to take a different track, but God overruled them. I'd had an aweful term and had wanted to end it all at one point because, I realize now, I was looking for that which can only be found in Him in someone else. But He drew me back to Himself with gentleness that left me mentally speechless and spent the week pouring out His love to me. I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Him, hand-in-hand, like lovers. I felt I could do anything, go anywhere, never fear and always hope. But it couldn't be, for I was still loving another.
Months later He freed me from the chains that bound me to a mortal. I'd always expected that to feel as though my heart was being rent from my chest still beating. But it didn't. It felt as though chains were dropping from my arms, or a scab was being peeled away from a healed wound. There was pain, but it was good. And sooo freeing.
I didn't know what to do with my new-found freedom, though, and I muddled around for quite some time, struggling with it and arguing and making some progress, but really just chasing my own mental tail a whole lot.
All of that came to a head this summer, and I found that I was paralyzed, oppressed by it. Despite being, in reality, completely free and unbound, I felt as if I had no freedom, no control, no power. I had no leave to make decisions, I couldn't make myself do things I desired, I was listless and irratible. I tried to find the answers, but they eluded me.
Then, within the space of 24 hours, God handed me the keys (as if from no where!) and dismissed that which oppressed me.
He showed me the power which I let myself be prisioner to HAD NO AUTHORITY over me.
He showed me that my struggle was more than my own imaginings, but rather a war in which I have right to fight.
He showed me that if I only allowed myself to be led by His Spirit, I could overcome.
And then He told me, not once or twice, but four times, that I needed to love.
So here I am, my whole life before me, no plans of my own so dear or urgent as to restrict me, with the chains removed, with the knowlegde to do what my heart desires -- with the knowledge to learn to honor Him in all I do.
So here I am, ready to live, to learn to live, and to learn to love...
My life has been doing tumbersaults and handstands, mostly without so much as a 'by your leave.' For those of you who have not had much contact with me lately, I apologize. It was not my intention to hide myself away, or to neglect friendships that I cherish. It simply happened. As the storm of splendid insanity breaks and rolls away the clouds that had darkened my soul and my summer and as I begin to rebuild anew on foundations growing from the Rock, I hope to be a much better friend and to learn to love without being so clumbsy.
Two very big and likely unrelated things have been happening in my life: I have encountered someone who is invisible to bumblebees, and God has begun fufiling desires I have had for many years.
I will be brief, as I respect all of your time, and because I'd love to talk about this in person to anyone interested.
Two years ago I went to Chapter Camp and entered into a track called 'Passionate Pursuit.' My staff told me to take a different track, but God overruled them. I'd had an aweful term and had wanted to end it all at one point because, I realize now, I was looking for that which can only be found in Him in someone else. But He drew me back to Himself with gentleness that left me mentally speechless and spent the week pouring out His love to me. I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Him, hand-in-hand, like lovers. I felt I could do anything, go anywhere, never fear and always hope. But it couldn't be, for I was still loving another.
Months later He freed me from the chains that bound me to a mortal. I'd always expected that to feel as though my heart was being rent from my chest still beating. But it didn't. It felt as though chains were dropping from my arms, or a scab was being peeled away from a healed wound. There was pain, but it was good. And sooo freeing.
I didn't know what to do with my new-found freedom, though, and I muddled around for quite some time, struggling with it and arguing and making some progress, but really just chasing my own mental tail a whole lot.
All of that came to a head this summer, and I found that I was paralyzed, oppressed by it. Despite being, in reality, completely free and unbound, I felt as if I had no freedom, no control, no power. I had no leave to make decisions, I couldn't make myself do things I desired, I was listless and irratible. I tried to find the answers, but they eluded me.
Then, within the space of 24 hours, God handed me the keys (as if from no where!) and dismissed that which oppressed me.
He showed me the power which I let myself be prisioner to HAD NO AUTHORITY over me.
He showed me that my struggle was more than my own imaginings, but rather a war in which I have right to fight.
He showed me that if I only allowed myself to be led by His Spirit, I could overcome.
And then He told me, not once or twice, but four times, that I needed to love.
So here I am, my whole life before me, no plans of my own so dear or urgent as to restrict me, with the chains removed, with the knowlegde to do what my heart desires -- with the knowledge to learn to honor Him in all I do.
So here I am, ready to live, to learn to live, and to learn to love...