AUGHlskdfghkfgjlkfj
So my internets magically back. Thats nice.
College and personal life. not so nice.
I dont know whats wrong with me. Theres something wrong with me, i sort of want to go to the doctors to find out what it is. Augh i really dont know how to explain it. but i feel like....i feel like i've gotten more stupid. And i dont even mean that in a humorous way. Like i cant think as intellectually as i could before, and my writing and thoughts just seem so demeaning nowadays. I dont even had the imagination i once had. I mean, i can retain information as good as ever, so my academics arent suffering. Its like...its like im losing myself. im turning into this mindless sack of meat whom on the outside looks like a normal human being, but on the inside is breaking apart like a bowl of antique china.
Im pretty sure i have severe social issues too. Like, if i know someones watching me do something, or glancing even, i freeze up like you would not believe. my head becomes stiff and i cant move. my speech gets awkward and i sound nervous. I'd like to shake it off, but if i do that its as if my head will snap, or i'll have a breakdown. I want to stop that. i want to be a normal person. i want people to know my real personality. I cant even go out and have fun because i feel like i need to keep up some godforsaken image i've never even heard of. Then people think im annoying, a freak. I just want to talk with someone, without being stupid and sarcastic. Not to sound negative (because you know, this entry is so positive) but im starting to lose hope that that person will ever come. Not for me, i dont deserve it.
I cant even express my feelings in artwork because i get so worked up over the fact i cant draw to save my life. Then i feel like what i draw is too cliche, then i say screw it and stop.
Why am i even telling everyone this? i need a diary or something. Or a psychiatrist.
College and personal life. not so nice.
I dont know whats wrong with me. Theres something wrong with me, i sort of want to go to the doctors to find out what it is. Augh i really dont know how to explain it. but i feel like....i feel like i've gotten more stupid. And i dont even mean that in a humorous way. Like i cant think as intellectually as i could before, and my writing and thoughts just seem so demeaning nowadays. I dont even had the imagination i once had. I mean, i can retain information as good as ever, so my academics arent suffering. Its like...its like im losing myself. im turning into this mindless sack of meat whom on the outside looks like a normal human being, but on the inside is breaking apart like a bowl of antique china.
Im pretty sure i have severe social issues too. Like, if i know someones watching me do something, or glancing even, i freeze up like you would not believe. my head becomes stiff and i cant move. my speech gets awkward and i sound nervous. I'd like to shake it off, but if i do that its as if my head will snap, or i'll have a breakdown. I want to stop that. i want to be a normal person. i want people to know my real personality. I cant even go out and have fun because i feel like i need to keep up some godforsaken image i've never even heard of. Then people think im annoying, a freak. I just want to talk with someone, without being stupid and sarcastic. Not to sound negative (because you know, this entry is so positive) but im starting to lose hope that that person will ever come. Not for me, i dont deserve it.
I cant even express my feelings in artwork because i get so worked up over the fact i cant draw to save my life. Then i feel like what i draw is too cliche, then i say screw it and stop.
Why am i even telling everyone this? i need a diary or something. Or a psychiatrist.