Fic: Nobody's Perfect
Author: 
andibeth82
Rating: G
Fandom: LOST
Characters: James/Juliet
Spoilers: None really
Word Count: 1,799
Note: James is still learning about Juliet, and doesn't realize she has her own insecurities.
One minute they’re eating dinner and the next she’s pushing back her chair, sending it scraping across the tiled floor. The bedroom door slams and he bows his head in frustration, still not sure what he said or why she reacted the way she did. Six damn months in this place, close to 24 hours of being together every single day and he STILL can’t figure her out. He’s pretty sure that has to be some kind of relationship record.
James sighs to himself and gets up, rubbing his hands on his jeans. Reaching the bedroom, he pushes the door open slightly, just so she can’t yell at him for barging in and disrupting her privacy. It apparently doesn’t matter. She’s curled up on the bed with the lights off, her head shoved under a pillow. Stray strands of blonde peek out from underneath the white fabric pressed over her scalp.
“Juliet?”
“Go away.” Her voice is muffled under the pillow and he suddenly feels like he’s talking to a five year old. Except he’s never really talked to a five year old before, not unless you count the Dharma kids who visited the security station every now and then.
James runs a hand through his hair, realizing he’s not quite sure what to do about this. Normally, she’s quiet about her moods or whatever’s bothering her and he doesn’t even know about it until days later when he manages to catch a look in her eye or a waver in her voice. But this is the first time she’s had an out-and-out reaction to him, and he has no idea how to play caring boyfriend. Hell, he’s just figuring out how to play boyfriend in general.
He eases himself down on the bed, placing his hand on her back. “Look, I’m not one to pull rank here, but you gotta talk to me. I deserve to know what happened back there, why you just shot off for no reason. Didn’t think I said anythin’ bad.”
She shakes her head under the pillow, her voice migrating from muffled to slightly miserable.
“You didn’t.”
He wills his frustrations to stay beneath the surface because he’s not that person anymore. He’s not Sawyer the con artist who smooth-talked women and then used his own anger to get in their face when he needed the upper hand. He’s James the head of security who, for reasons he still can’t figure out, is loved by a woman he never thought would look twice at him. And so he takes a moment, steadies himself, and focuses on the one thing he knows to be constant - her.
“So tell me. C’mon. If you think it’s gonna sound stupid, I got a laundry list of things I’ve said in my 30-odd years that I’m sure you’re just dyin’ to rag on me about.”
She doesn’t answer and he wonders if he’s said something wrong, if maybe his intention to humor her was the wrong route to take. But then she moves slightly under the sheets and her head pokes out from underneath the pillow, just enough for him to see that she’s been crying. The sight of her looking so pathetic, crying and curled up on the bed like a child who’s scared to death, breaks his heart.
“Hey. There you are.” He smiles at her, wiping a tear from her cheek. “Talk to me, okay?”
She nods, and he’s surprised at how easy she relents. “Okay.” Rubbing the sleeve of her shirt across her face, she pushes herself up so that her back is resting against the headboard. He scoots nearer so he can sit next to her, and she lays a head on his shoulder almost immediately. He smiles, remembering how only two months ago, a movement like this would’ve sent them both into the depths of uncertainty.
“It’s just…sometimes it hits, you know?”
He doesn’t know, and feels rather stupid for not knowing, like maybe he should lose his boyfriend license or something. He pretty much watches every little thing she does for this exact reason - to know everything about her - but maybe he’s doing something wrong. So he bites the bullet, owning up.
“No…Juliet, I don’t know.”
She looks at him with sad eyes. “You wouldn’t, though.”
“Well, hell, Blondie. Humor me.” He throws another smile in her direction, and she returns a tight-lipped grin. It’s definitely forced, but hey, at least it’s better than nothing.
“It’s just…this.” She throws her hand up. “This. All this playing house and us being together and feeling like it’s real. But it’s not real, is it?”
He has a hand on her arm, he’s running his fingers up and down her skin and he abruptly stops at her words. “What are you talkin’ about?”
She bites her lip. “I…I stopped by the station today. I had to pick up some van keys, Miles said he would give them to me if I came after lunch because it would save him a trip to the motor pool. And I…I didn’t mean to, but I heard you talking.”
James racks his brain, trying to think what the hell he could’ve been talking about. As usual, he comes up with nothing, and decides he definitely needs to revoke his license. Some boyfriend he is. She’s clearly upset, possibly with him, and he has no idea why.
“You…you were talking with Jin. About finding them. And he started talking about how he missed Sun. And he asked if you missed them, and…and…”
And James doesn’t need her to finish, he knows exactly what she heard and what he said and son of a bitch, it’s like someone has taken a boxing glove and fisted him hard in the stomach. He hears his own voice like a broken record, each repeated word drilling into his subconscious, making him feel worse and worse. “Yeah, I miss ‘em.” “You miss her too?” “Yeah, I miss her too.”
“Juliet…” He trails off, because he has no idea what to say. He can’t take back what he said and he can’t even pretend to say he didn’t mean to say it. How stupid was he? Here he was, with the most wonderful, beautiful, girl in the world - the only person who he’s ever felt has truly understood him - and she’s sitting here crying in the dark because he’s made her believe that someone else was better than her. He hears his voice in the back of his head. “Just give me two weeks…”
Everything he’s done has been because he truly loves her and one stupid mishap is going to make her believe it’s all been a lie. And after all this, after all the talks and the dinners and the sex and the “I love you’s”, she could choose to leave. Something spreads through his chest, a fear that grips him deeper than he realizes.
She can’t leave.
She’s avoiding his gaze, fixing her blue eyes on an invisible piece of dust on the wall next to her dresser. He drops down and kisses the top of her shoulder gently.
“Sayin’ sorry won’t do anythin’. I can’t take back what I said.”
She shakes her head. “Then you don’t have to apologize, James.”
That frustrates him even more than her previous actions, and he grits his teeth, because for once in her life, she’s wrong.
“No, Juliet, I do have to apologize. Cause anytime I make you feel anythin’ less than what you are to me…who you are, what you mean to me…Christ, I might as well throw myself off the nearest damn cliff, I can’t stand it. I hurt you and it’s like a part of me is ripped in half, I never want to hurt you.” He kind of can’t believe he’s saying things like this but in the wake of how much he knows she’s hurting and the thought of her possibly picking up and leaving because of it, his emotions are out in full force.
“And what makes you think I mean anything to you?”
He looks at her as if seeing her clearly for the first time, realizing in that moment that it’s not about her being mad at him, or the fact that she overheard a conversation he now wishes had never happened in the first place. It’s about her. And the fact that he fights every single day to get over his insecurities of how someone like her could love someone with his past…yet he’s never stopped to think that she’s been having the same issues. That she’s so emotionally broken inside, she looks at everyone else thinking how much better they are than her. How much better they are at being in a relationship then her.
The thought of her hating herself so much that she doesn’t even deserve HIM makes him want to hold her forever, to tell her it’s okay and that she means everything to him. But he doesn’t quite know how to say that, not yet. So he says the first thing that comes to mind, hoping it’s what she needs to hear.
“Because you’re perfect.”
She shakes her head, tears glistening, and laughs slightly. “Trust me, James. I’m not perfect. I don’t know what you thought I was when you met me…but I’m not perfect. Far from it.” She scrunches down on the bed and turns over on her side, staring at the wall.
“Yes you are. To me, you are.” He pushes himself down so that he’s lying next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist. She takes his free hand and presses it to her cheek, bringing him as close as she can to her body. It takes a moment for her to speak again.
“Ever think you’d say that about someone?” Her voice is quiet, but serious. He kisses her, and when he speaks, he knows he’s never been surer about anything.
“Nope. You?”
It’s real smile that climbs onto her face at his words. “No,” she answers softly, because she knows it’s the truth. She snuggles into him and then turns over, her blue eyes meeting his green ones.
“Sorry I ruined dinner.”
He chuckles. “I’ll manage. I don’t need to really eat, anyway.”
She smiles. “You do too. If I didn’t cook my lousy meals, you wouldn’t eat at all.”
“Now that’s just not true.” There’s a glint in his eye, and she smirks slightly.
“Which part? The part about the lousy meals…or you not eating?”
“Both.” He kisses the top of her head, and then pulls her off the bed. “Come on.”
She knows she’s not perfect, but does know she loves him, so she lets him pull her from the bed and together they make their way back to the kitchen.
andibeth82
Rating: G
Fandom: LOST
Characters: James/Juliet
Spoilers: None really
Word Count: 1,799
Note: James is still learning about Juliet, and doesn't realize she has her own insecurities.
One minute they’re eating dinner and the next she’s pushing back her chair, sending it scraping across the tiled floor. The bedroom door slams and he bows his head in frustration, still not sure what he said or why she reacted the way she did. Six damn months in this place, close to 24 hours of being together every single day and he STILL can’t figure her out. He’s pretty sure that has to be some kind of relationship record.
James sighs to himself and gets up, rubbing his hands on his jeans. Reaching the bedroom, he pushes the door open slightly, just so she can’t yell at him for barging in and disrupting her privacy. It apparently doesn’t matter. She’s curled up on the bed with the lights off, her head shoved under a pillow. Stray strands of blonde peek out from underneath the white fabric pressed over her scalp.
“Juliet?”
“Go away.” Her voice is muffled under the pillow and he suddenly feels like he’s talking to a five year old. Except he’s never really talked to a five year old before, not unless you count the Dharma kids who visited the security station every now and then.
James runs a hand through his hair, realizing he’s not quite sure what to do about this. Normally, she’s quiet about her moods or whatever’s bothering her and he doesn’t even know about it until days later when he manages to catch a look in her eye or a waver in her voice. But this is the first time she’s had an out-and-out reaction to him, and he has no idea how to play caring boyfriend. Hell, he’s just figuring out how to play boyfriend in general.
He eases himself down on the bed, placing his hand on her back. “Look, I’m not one to pull rank here, but you gotta talk to me. I deserve to know what happened back there, why you just shot off for no reason. Didn’t think I said anythin’ bad.”
She shakes her head under the pillow, her voice migrating from muffled to slightly miserable.
“You didn’t.”
He wills his frustrations to stay beneath the surface because he’s not that person anymore. He’s not Sawyer the con artist who smooth-talked women and then used his own anger to get in their face when he needed the upper hand. He’s James the head of security who, for reasons he still can’t figure out, is loved by a woman he never thought would look twice at him. And so he takes a moment, steadies himself, and focuses on the one thing he knows to be constant - her.
“So tell me. C’mon. If you think it’s gonna sound stupid, I got a laundry list of things I’ve said in my 30-odd years that I’m sure you’re just dyin’ to rag on me about.”
She doesn’t answer and he wonders if he’s said something wrong, if maybe his intention to humor her was the wrong route to take. But then she moves slightly under the sheets and her head pokes out from underneath the pillow, just enough for him to see that she’s been crying. The sight of her looking so pathetic, crying and curled up on the bed like a child who’s scared to death, breaks his heart.
“Hey. There you are.” He smiles at her, wiping a tear from her cheek. “Talk to me, okay?”
She nods, and he’s surprised at how easy she relents. “Okay.” Rubbing the sleeve of her shirt across her face, she pushes herself up so that her back is resting against the headboard. He scoots nearer so he can sit next to her, and she lays a head on his shoulder almost immediately. He smiles, remembering how only two months ago, a movement like this would’ve sent them both into the depths of uncertainty.
“It’s just…sometimes it hits, you know?”
He doesn’t know, and feels rather stupid for not knowing, like maybe he should lose his boyfriend license or something. He pretty much watches every little thing she does for this exact reason - to know everything about her - but maybe he’s doing something wrong. So he bites the bullet, owning up.
“No…Juliet, I don’t know.”
She looks at him with sad eyes. “You wouldn’t, though.”
“Well, hell, Blondie. Humor me.” He throws another smile in her direction, and she returns a tight-lipped grin. It’s definitely forced, but hey, at least it’s better than nothing.
“It’s just…this.” She throws her hand up. “This. All this playing house and us being together and feeling like it’s real. But it’s not real, is it?”
He has a hand on her arm, he’s running his fingers up and down her skin and he abruptly stops at her words. “What are you talkin’ about?”
She bites her lip. “I…I stopped by the station today. I had to pick up some van keys, Miles said he would give them to me if I came after lunch because it would save him a trip to the motor pool. And I…I didn’t mean to, but I heard you talking.”
James racks his brain, trying to think what the hell he could’ve been talking about. As usual, he comes up with nothing, and decides he definitely needs to revoke his license. Some boyfriend he is. She’s clearly upset, possibly with him, and he has no idea why.
“You…you were talking with Jin. About finding them. And he started talking about how he missed Sun. And he asked if you missed them, and…and…”
And James doesn’t need her to finish, he knows exactly what she heard and what he said and son of a bitch, it’s like someone has taken a boxing glove and fisted him hard in the stomach. He hears his own voice like a broken record, each repeated word drilling into his subconscious, making him feel worse and worse. “Yeah, I miss ‘em.” “You miss her too?” “Yeah, I miss her too.”
“Juliet…” He trails off, because he has no idea what to say. He can’t take back what he said and he can’t even pretend to say he didn’t mean to say it. How stupid was he? Here he was, with the most wonderful, beautiful, girl in the world - the only person who he’s ever felt has truly understood him - and she’s sitting here crying in the dark because he’s made her believe that someone else was better than her. He hears his voice in the back of his head. “Just give me two weeks…”
Everything he’s done has been because he truly loves her and one stupid mishap is going to make her believe it’s all been a lie. And after all this, after all the talks and the dinners and the sex and the “I love you’s”, she could choose to leave. Something spreads through his chest, a fear that grips him deeper than he realizes.
She can’t leave.
She’s avoiding his gaze, fixing her blue eyes on an invisible piece of dust on the wall next to her dresser. He drops down and kisses the top of her shoulder gently.
“Sayin’ sorry won’t do anythin’. I can’t take back what I said.”
She shakes her head. “Then you don’t have to apologize, James.”
That frustrates him even more than her previous actions, and he grits his teeth, because for once in her life, she’s wrong.
“No, Juliet, I do have to apologize. Cause anytime I make you feel anythin’ less than what you are to me…who you are, what you mean to me…Christ, I might as well throw myself off the nearest damn cliff, I can’t stand it. I hurt you and it’s like a part of me is ripped in half, I never want to hurt you.” He kind of can’t believe he’s saying things like this but in the wake of how much he knows she’s hurting and the thought of her possibly picking up and leaving because of it, his emotions are out in full force.
“And what makes you think I mean anything to you?”
He looks at her as if seeing her clearly for the first time, realizing in that moment that it’s not about her being mad at him, or the fact that she overheard a conversation he now wishes had never happened in the first place. It’s about her. And the fact that he fights every single day to get over his insecurities of how someone like her could love someone with his past…yet he’s never stopped to think that she’s been having the same issues. That she’s so emotionally broken inside, she looks at everyone else thinking how much better they are than her. How much better they are at being in a relationship then her.
The thought of her hating herself so much that she doesn’t even deserve HIM makes him want to hold her forever, to tell her it’s okay and that she means everything to him. But he doesn’t quite know how to say that, not yet. So he says the first thing that comes to mind, hoping it’s what she needs to hear.
“Because you’re perfect.”
She shakes her head, tears glistening, and laughs slightly. “Trust me, James. I’m not perfect. I don’t know what you thought I was when you met me…but I’m not perfect. Far from it.” She scrunches down on the bed and turns over on her side, staring at the wall.
“Yes you are. To me, you are.” He pushes himself down so that he’s lying next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist. She takes his free hand and presses it to her cheek, bringing him as close as she can to her body. It takes a moment for her to speak again.
“Ever think you’d say that about someone?” Her voice is quiet, but serious. He kisses her, and when he speaks, he knows he’s never been surer about anything.
“Nope. You?”
It’s real smile that climbs onto her face at his words. “No,” she answers softly, because she knows it’s the truth. She snuggles into him and then turns over, her blue eyes meeting his green ones.
“Sorry I ruined dinner.”
He chuckles. “I’ll manage. I don’t need to really eat, anyway.”
She smiles. “You do too. If I didn’t cook my lousy meals, you wouldn’t eat at all.”
“Now that’s just not true.” There’s a glint in his eye, and she smirks slightly.
“Which part? The part about the lousy meals…or you not eating?”
“Both.” He kisses the top of her head, and then pulls her off the bed. “Come on.”
She knows she’s not perfect, but does know she loves him, so she lets him pull her from the bed and together they make their way back to the kitchen.