…since the world’s been turning…
today is the last few hours of 2024 and i guess i made it another year. with one meeting a week and one am weeknights and William coming and going and Katie and now who knows with Patrick what will happen.
…revolving directors door I can’t take it anymore…
Reflections and memories from this year…
Becoming a therapist again
Meeting Henry my new nephew
Being a part of Charlie’s life that he knows and likes and is happy to see
Being an angry bird all summer
Turning 39
Turning 14… older than happy turned when I met him.
Happy’s knee surgery which feels like yesterday but was a year ago.
Ginger getting older
Feeling farther away from my mom
Generations changing
The water bar, the gold room
Villain Halloween
Fire
Space
Free from commitments
This year I want to be less angry. Or take things less personally. Grow younger. Not give in to tired. Not fear change, or fear it and not let it stop me from living. Laugh. Remember and cry but also not get stuck. I started to get unstuck this year but I’m still kinda sad all the time about all the people who are gone and who are eventually going to be gone. I would love to not think that parenthood would fix my existential problems since it’s not something I want. But I think it would. But I wish I didn’t believe that.
I will god willing turn 40 this year and that’s halfway done or more. That’s just strange and scary and there’s no one to replace all the gone people with. That’s all I keep thinking when I have time. So how can I be generative from here on out instead of stagnating? I don’t even like young people so what can I offer? I don’t have positivity maybe wisdom but couched in cynicism, deep down I just don’t know what the point is and I know it’s none of my business. That’s ok but that’s not much hope to offer anyone! YOLO in a bad way?
But - 15 years and 4 hours ago I couldn’t show up for anyone at all, my parents were scared for my life, I had abandoned my relationship with my brother. I was out of jobs and I was fucking someone who was not my boyfriend with a tampon inside me in a hot tub and I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and the next morning I woke up and tried to smash a pill case with a hammer just to make it all go away.
And today I’m just in bed typing on an iPhone. Not in danger, not causing damage, not worrying anyone. Talked to all my parents today. Like normal. Got a pic of the dog pooping from my long term partner. Like usual. Have a sink full of clean dishes, 3 jobs, and people who can count on me. Coworkers who are family. Rent that’s paid and a queen bed with fluffy comforters and that’s all I ever wanted was “comfort” and “home” and to feel like I could be me in my own skin and be okay. And despite the list of insecurities - finances, teeth, medical, hygiene, household, future dead people - I don’t want to die today or kill myself or disappear, because I can just keep on keeping on as is and take it as it comes and - maybe I’m not happy but I’m neutral as hell and that’s kind of all I ever wanted to be was okay.
So. Another year of okay would be more than okay with me. Happy 2025 current Amy, you’ll be ok no matter what cause if we are meant to be we are.