(no subject)
For four years, I believed I was honestly, completely in love with someone who was honestly and completely in love with me. And now, after all that, I can't believe I ever, ever thought love was real.
Because if someone EVER really loved someone, they couldn't be happy when that person was in hell. Every second, of every hour, of everyday I can't think of anything else but how miserable I am. I dropped out of school. I quit my job. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I watch Men in Black everynight while everyone else sleeps because it's the one movie I never watched with him. Looking at his name makes me sick, so it's just "him".
I'm trying. I'm trying harder than anyone has ever tried to be okay. But I can't be. Some people NEVER are okay. And I know everyone is saying, "you'll be okay." but some people aren't. Some people are forced to give up the one person they love more than anything in the world, and they never recover. I won't ever recover. He made me happy at times like this. There isn't anyone to make me happy anymore.
Love isn't real, because love couldn't make anyone wish they were dead. I don't want to kill myself. I don't, ever. But I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again, because I'm not a strong person and this pain is making me crumple. In one second, with one sentence, I went from being the happiest, luckiest person alive to wishing I could sleep and never wake up! ME!
I haven't gone more than an hour at a time without crying. I look at other boys and try to think they're cute, and all I think is, "they will never, ever compare to him." He was the thing that made me special. I was special because I had to the MOST SPECIAL FEELINGS in the world for him. I thought they were love, and I was wrong.
The point is, I am now a college drop out, unemployed, so skinny I look like a crack head,and puffy from crying. I haven't listened to music in over a month because I'm so scared it will hurt me.
I have a tattoo on my body that is now always going to be a painful reminder of what I had. I have a promise ring-- a promise we would get married!-- that I can't take off because I really think it might kill me.
Whoever said "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is wrong, because if I never met him, I would be HAPPY. I wouldn't KNOW how to hurt this badly. I would be able to BREATHE. I wouldn't imagine his scent or what it feels like to be pressed against him.
I just want this to all go away.
I care about him more than my own life.
Because if someone EVER really loved someone, they couldn't be happy when that person was in hell. Every second, of every hour, of everyday I can't think of anything else but how miserable I am. I dropped out of school. I quit my job. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I watch Men in Black everynight while everyone else sleeps because it's the one movie I never watched with him. Looking at his name makes me sick, so it's just "him".
I'm trying. I'm trying harder than anyone has ever tried to be okay. But I can't be. Some people NEVER are okay. And I know everyone is saying, "you'll be okay." but some people aren't. Some people are forced to give up the one person they love more than anything in the world, and they never recover. I won't ever recover. He made me happy at times like this. There isn't anyone to make me happy anymore.
Love isn't real, because love couldn't make anyone wish they were dead. I don't want to kill myself. I don't, ever. But I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again, because I'm not a strong person and this pain is making me crumple. In one second, with one sentence, I went from being the happiest, luckiest person alive to wishing I could sleep and never wake up! ME!
I haven't gone more than an hour at a time without crying. I look at other boys and try to think they're cute, and all I think is, "they will never, ever compare to him." He was the thing that made me special. I was special because I had to the MOST SPECIAL FEELINGS in the world for him. I thought they were love, and I was wrong.
The point is, I am now a college drop out, unemployed, so skinny I look like a crack head,and puffy from crying. I haven't listened to music in over a month because I'm so scared it will hurt me.
I have a tattoo on my body that is now always going to be a painful reminder of what I had. I have a promise ring-- a promise we would get married!-- that I can't take off because I really think it might kill me.
Whoever said "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is wrong, because if I never met him, I would be HAPPY. I wouldn't KNOW how to hurt this badly. I would be able to BREATHE. I wouldn't imagine his scent or what it feels like to be pressed against him.
I just want this to all go away.
I care about him more than my own life.