(no subject)
its the 4th now.... that means 10 days. 10 days till im back in seattle, 10 days left in missoula, 10 days with what ive grown to love, and 10 days with what I hate. 10 days is the longest short time ive wated for somthing this big. Part of me already left, but my heart and my mind are having second thoughts. Everything about seattle is better, EVERYTHING except I leave behind somthing I dont know if I can really live without. I wonder if it would chnage things if I really told her that shes whats kepping me here, and shes why I dont want to leave. Somone want to loan me like $60,000 so i cna bring her with me (shes gotta finish school, and If i had the money she could finish it with me) I dont care if I have to pay it back for the rest of my life, I want her to run away with me
I dont care if shes even just a friend, i'd still do it. I dont care. I just think that I cant live without her. IF she ever read this she'd probably look at me differently. It would ruin everything, or who knows maybe it would make it better. The world is odd like that. All i know is there have been a lot of things in my life Ive wished for, but this is the one thing that I know i really want. that when i look back will make a difference. She'll come to visit me, and I will visit her, but it wont be the same. If i want to be around her i wont be able to go upstairs and see her anymore. and she wont be able to do the same with me.
Ive actually lost sleep over this, its sad. I couldnt sleep for two nights thinking about how she wont fall asleep next to me on the couch anymore, go to the store when we get bored, or just hop in my car and say drive.... Its going to be rough. and its going to be the one thing I miss the most. I'd give up everything to make it work out and take her with me.
For once im looking at doing somthing for myself. Ive talked to people about this, and they all tell me that I NEED to do this for me for once. Im killing myslef here, missoula is not the place for me. But will seattle be? Is it worth the try? What if what I want to be around is here? and im losing the only chance ive got... I need an answer, i need to know how the future is going to be, so i cna make the right choice. Im sure there will be great things waiting for me in seattle, actaully i KNOW there will be. BUt im going to miss her more than anything. If it were closer and she needed somthing and I could just run there it woundt be a problem, but a nine hour drive is a long one (though its worth it, every mile, every gallon of gas, every second)
I just want to put my ideas out on here, just get them out there for someone else to look at, maybe even figure it out on my own. All i know is in 10 days im leaving and i dont know if what im leaving is somthing im going to regret. Maybe if i knew more or there was somthing even more amazing there. but ive never felt this way about leaing a friend, and ive more ALOT, ive seen alot of friends come and go, and this one, this is different some how.....
I dont care if shes even just a friend, i'd still do it. I dont care. I just think that I cant live without her. IF she ever read this she'd probably look at me differently. It would ruin everything, or who knows maybe it would make it better. The world is odd like that. All i know is there have been a lot of things in my life Ive wished for, but this is the one thing that I know i really want. that when i look back will make a difference. She'll come to visit me, and I will visit her, but it wont be the same. If i want to be around her i wont be able to go upstairs and see her anymore. and she wont be able to do the same with me.
Ive actually lost sleep over this, its sad. I couldnt sleep for two nights thinking about how she wont fall asleep next to me on the couch anymore, go to the store when we get bored, or just hop in my car and say drive.... Its going to be rough. and its going to be the one thing I miss the most. I'd give up everything to make it work out and take her with me.
For once im looking at doing somthing for myself. Ive talked to people about this, and they all tell me that I NEED to do this for me for once. Im killing myslef here, missoula is not the place for me. But will seattle be? Is it worth the try? What if what I want to be around is here? and im losing the only chance ive got... I need an answer, i need to know how the future is going to be, so i cna make the right choice. Im sure there will be great things waiting for me in seattle, actaully i KNOW there will be. BUt im going to miss her more than anything. If it were closer and she needed somthing and I could just run there it woundt be a problem, but a nine hour drive is a long one (though its worth it, every mile, every gallon of gas, every second)
I just want to put my ideas out on here, just get them out there for someone else to look at, maybe even figure it out on my own. All i know is in 10 days im leaving and i dont know if what im leaving is somthing im going to regret. Maybe if i knew more or there was somthing even more amazing there. but ive never felt this way about leaing a friend, and ive more ALOT, ive seen alot of friends come and go, and this one, this is different some how.....