If you are here

[and_it_rains]

If you have come looking:
for me, for answers.

Maybe you heard from our mutual friend, that I am engaged:
I am.

Maybe you filed away that time
when you came out of the ether with a bottle of wine and said:
"maybe we should talk about it, but I would rather go to bed about it."
And you sat on my couch and I sat on the floor and I told you that:

I would always love you:
I will.

***

And.

I've accepted (mostly)
that this is how my mind ... this is how it translates negative feelings... doubt, terror, weakness:
I don't even know I'm feeling it until I find that I am missing you.

You

are a neural pathway
for me

and I've thought it would change, thought it should, but it's been too long, I suspect. It is what it is. You are my keeper. My protector. You are my strength. Embodied.

And I think, yes... that's problematic. sort of. but. it's also. ok. because it is true in my head, and if anyone should have that kind of presence.... well, it was earned.

And ... but... I don't like that I feel like
it's
a thing
I can't confide
to the lover who
is real
and mine
and now
and who I wouldn't trade
-not even for you
-not even for a hundred of you

so
sit
in back of my brain
and smile that grin of yours
and make me feel
ok
and I'll worry
later
if it is ok
to let you stay