because facebook notes don't cut it and winter is so long.
I finally put the System of a Down back where it belongs last week and I... I drive around and I remember driving to Middlefield to visit Josh one of two or three times a couple lifes ago. I remember it in the way I remember dreams about driving, because I almost always dream that I'm driving... cartogrophy of dreams is even more beyond me than the waking sort... Driving from Goshen to Middlefield. And it was hard to believe how very fucking vast The Middle of Nowhere is... it's not one point. It's not that kind of "middle" if you want to get topological about it. Or even tographical. I didn't listen to System of a Down on that trip....did I?.... I remember some mixed-cd involving The Doors and Violent Femmes and Stone Temple Piolets covering Led Zeppelin and Bjork.... Oh yes, there was Bjork. But. I stopped to pee on the side of the road on my journey home. It was almost dark. I had escaped from my life for an afternoon and had driven away and met a friend and I felt really powerful. IT felt really powerful, being alone. In my car. Stopping to urinate where ever I damn well wanted to. And I don't remember if I journalled about it... I only remember writing.... at some time...."No one. Fucking no one. Is allowed in my car. But System of a Down and me"... and those words and that evening got mind linked. And I'm alone less these days...flash to past life in question...less alone.... the double memory came up strong in a sea of dulled and not alone enough... I'll find that girl again. She's not really lost this time, just looking for shadows to warm up in. And Josh, every once in a while, for entirely selfish reasons, I miss you.