"...the last thing they want is a litany of woe!""
I haven't been wanting to do anything but draw. Just draw and draw and draw. As fast as I can, as much as I can, as well as I can. Just draw and draw and work hard and be better and love what I create.
But at the same time, I don't want to. I hate the fact that I can't focus and I have no patience when I draw, I hate the fact that the style that I want to have for myself belongs to somebody else, a style that I don't have the skill to pull off anyways. I hate doing things with difficulty that come to other people with so much ease. I hate whining about it all the time and I hate the fact that I can't help whining all the time. I hate bothering people about it when their problems are worse. I hate feeling like second-rate hack all the time.
But...for the most part, I feel good. I'm happy. I love being myself, and I love my life, and I love my friends and family. And I know that I have some talent, at least, but this just keeps eating away at me and it won't and can't go away. I would be totally content with life it it weren't for this, my struggles with my art. I don't want compliments or reassurances or advice, that just makes me feel silly and shallow and stupid. I don't want to stop trying, but grinding on and on is just so hard sometimes. I just want to be able to like how and what I draw.
I don't know how coherent this is, since I don't really understand it myself. I don't know if it's making me feel better, having gotten all of that out. I hope I'm not acting too dramatic or depressed or something, because I'm really not. Just confused and really frustrated. Maybe I'm just being hormonal and PMS-ing, or something. I don't really know. I just wish I could be satisfied with what I am.
[edit:] Okay, turns out most of that WAS just PMS. I've been getting really weepy before my period lately, so, uh, next angst-filled entry I guess you can expect me to be nearly on the red dot.